The time I blogged drunk decided it wasn't a good look and then read it sober and found it completely appropriate...

So, last week I proceeded to get completely annihilated on a weekday because isn't that what great mothers and wives do?  Oh...  Well, I was raised a little different I guess.  Anyway, I never posted the below because at the time, in my drunken insanity, I thought it was terrible...I read it today and it's soooooo terrible that it's fucking GREAT!  I might just get drunk tonight and go for round 2!!!  The funniest part about the previous sentence is the use of the word might.  Mommy LOVES her medicine!!!!!!!
Side note -  I left the spelling errors because I think it truly expresses what a complete rock star I am on Tuesdays.

Tuesday, August 26th at entirely too early to be this loaded.
This an experiment...
I've been into the sauce and I'm about to blog. It could be a total nightmare or it might be the best 3 minutes of your life...similar to a one night stand.  Let's see how it goes. 
Some disclaimers ~ As I am typing this I have no idea where it might go and therefore am not liable for anything I might say about anything.  In addition, I'm not that drunk, yes I have consumed three very large vodka and tonics on a random Tuesay night but the only thing being affected right now is my ability to find the period button, .  See?  Speaking of periods, I'm on mine...I thought you should know. 
I have decided to purge in this post anyhtign that comes to mind...
Right now I'll have you know I hate smoking, the smell and the people that do it...however, I have just smoked three cigarettes so take from that what you will judgey mcjudgerton...maybe I am more buzzed than I thought.
This is not going well...maybe I should pick a topic.  Hmm, how about people that you manage at work that talk to you like you are a retard.
I have one of these...I tell her a new policy or procedure or something I have handked for her out of kindness and she sits down in her chair, clasps her hands together as if to pray and says EVERYM'FGTIME, "well, I'm not certain how you used to do things but here we...."  She does a lot of eyelash batting and nodding her head back and forth as if hse is going into some epilectic seizure.  The whole time this scene is palying out I smile because all I want to do is back hand that smug look off her face and tell her that if it was being done the right way the million years she has been there then maybe I wouldn't have to tell her a different way of dpoign it. 
Okay, this isn't working out.  As I'm typing this I am thinking to myself, "are you really going to post this shit?"  Seriosuly it's awful and I am having a hard time even typing it...at the same tiume I'm thinking, "I did say it was an ecperiment so they knew what they were getting into."  Let's continue...
I'm smoking another cigarette...that makes four. 
What else? 

This is where it ended.  I might have passed out or developed lung cancer or made a pizza but more than likely passed out as cancer enveloped my lungs while making a pizza...yeah, that's more my style.  I'm a multi-tasker!

End of the World To Do list...

As recorded by 10 year old me when I first learned in Vacation Bible School that some day, in the very near future, the world would end due to the sinful nature of mankind.  The worst sin I had ever committed at the time was telling my mom and dad I wasn't crossing the busy highway to get to my BFF Cari's house.  I figured with today being the day everyone, except you dirty ass sinners of course, will just float away like a hot air balloon to hang out and see for ourselves what Jesus is really doing (not wearing some dumb ass bracelet to remind him to make good decisions I bet) this will be the only chance I get to share this dynamic list.  

• Make an end of the world mix tape - I can only imagine these "rockin' hits" would have included Livin' On A Prayer, Didn't We Almost Have It All (as recorded by a crackless Whitney), and the very appropriate (I Just) Died In Your Arms...
• French kiss a boy - at this age the boy I wanted to kiss was a trashy punk and last I heard was featured on a little site named Faces of Meth...way to shoot for the stars 10 year old me.
• Learn to whistle the part on Walk Like An Egyptian - I still can't whistle :(
• Shave my legs for the first time - seriously?  I'm thinking about the end of the f'g world and I'm worried about using a razor...however, I do shave my legs and hoonaner today for the Gyno so I should at least show the same respect to JC.
• Watch Fatal Attraction - I knew it was a good one when I got sent to bed early on that movie night, thank goodness for Neverending Story (if you've seen my featured blog this week you know what I'm talking about)
• Meet Debbie Gibson - her perfume was the shit back then so I can't really argue...

Last and my personal favorite:

• Find out what my mom's Cosmopolitan magazine means by lying under the bath tub faucet - oh you just wait until you figure this out...Best. Day. Ever?  Yeah, pretty close!

So, good luck today my fellow blog buddies!  My advice, get yourself a grocery cart...that's what got Viggo Mortensen through The Road.  Oh, he died...welp, WWJD?

Ready or not, here I come...

Just as I sat down to enjoy my 2.5 minute lunch break I stumbled across this:

 Hide N Seek (the shitty version) 

I'll give you a minute...

Now, let me put a 10 foot pile of manure in perspective with a 10 foot Harriet Tubman,  a 10 foot bunny rabbit (Easter shout out), and a normal sized man next to a 10 foot fence.

How about telling me how anyone is allowed to build a shrine to horse crap for so long that it grows in excess of 10 feet?  Maybe the town folk never noticed but The Law cleared that up for us, ""It was the biggest pile of (manure) I have ever seen.  They've been putting it back there for years."  

YOU KNEW THE ENTIRE TIME THERE WAS A 10 FOOT PILE OF HORSE SHIT??? 

I'm surprised that these people are surprised that bodies were found in it.  You people are just asking for bodies to be dumped there...hell, I might stop by and dump the turtle for goodness sakes (yes, it's still alive).

When asked if the deceased were white or Hispanic Wyatt Earp had to say, "We're not sure which, but we know for sure they're not black"

Phew! We wouldn't want a Mississippi Burning sequel now would we? Good job on making sure the folks murdered and dumped in 10 feet of horse manure were definitely not black. I'm sure that makes everyone sleep a little more soundly in your Deliverance hell. How can one be so sure they aren't black anyway...considering they're dead, wrapped in plastic and covered in shit? On that note, I could care less if they are brown or yellow, black or white...

Don't worry though, a thorough search has been completed and although more bones were found they are believed to belong to horses so no more threat of illegal dumping of plastic.  I know that's a happy ending for anyone who could have very well starred in The Hills Have Eyes.

Random Rules of Life...

#39 If you walk into a bathroom and the toilet flushes immediately but there is no shuffling feet sound that is your sign that someone is shitting and to please give them privacy.
#40 If you choose the stall right next to them and there are 3 other stalls for your use, you are an asshole.

#122 If you buy a microwaveable meal for one dollar...that is what it will taste like.
#123 It doesn't matter if it has chocolate pudding in it.

#517 Never tell someone you are good at something if you don't want to have to do that something every fucking time they need it done.
#518 Expect to have that someone point out how not good you are at it everytime you do it.

#932 Your crotch will never smell like a flower...no amount of special kuka wash or arm pit spray for vajayjays or plastic container filled with vinegar will make that happen.
#933 It will smell less like Chicken of the Sea if you shave your muff occasionally.

#1524 The very first time you try marijuana will be the day before your first random drug screen at work.
#1525 Every positive random drug screen for marijuana is a person that has just tried it for the very first time.

Toot, Toot!

That's my horn and "toot, toot" is me tooting it, my own horn, get it, come on it was funny...whatever, fuck off.

So why the narcissistic celebration?  Well if you must know, over the past couple months I've been given a couple blog awards...yeah, people like me.  The cool thing about these awards is it opens you up to other funny people out there in blog world...the not so cool thing is it means you have to do a bunch of shit and I think we have established at this point that I'm both lazy and bitchy so I haven't handled my blog award business.  So I am going to that today...okay?  Here we go...

The first award is (drum roll)....

No, it's not The Lick Old Lesbians Award.  I made that mistake too and my upper lip still smells like Cream of Mushroom soup...was that too far Charlie?  Anyway, it apparently stands for Laugh Out Loud and all the youngsters use this to communicate when something is tremendously funny...so much so that they actually laugh out loud.  See?  See how that works...those annoying little fuckers are tricky aren't they?

First and foremost I have to tell you who I make Laugh Out Loud and it's none other than Downtown Jenny Brown.  She is funny so go there...NOW!

Next I have to state 7 unknown facts about myself...this is hard because there isn't too much of the unknown.  Let's see what I can pull out of my ass...

1. I've never actually licked an old lesbian, I am not saying I wouldn't
2. I do have a terrible habit of biting cheeks, face cheeks
3. I have never bitten a butt cheek, I am not saying I wouldn't
4. I cry when I'm pissed which thoroughly fucks up portraying how pissed I am
5. I laugh when someone is pissed at me which thoroughly fucks up showing how sorry I am
6. I'm not usually sorry
7. I do apologize more than I should

Well, that didn't go too bad if I do say so myself.  Next I have to pass on the award to a certain number of people but I can't remember so I am going to tell you about one blog I have recently stumbled upon and she might very well live in my parallel universe...

Princess Muffintop - This chick has a body of a muffin and not just any muffin but a Blueberry Muffin...I fucking love Blueberry Muffins!!!  There is another thing you didn't know about me.  So, I guess you could say I would LOL, lick this old lesbian, only she isn't old and she isn't a lesbian.  Oh well, she will make you laugh out loud so check her out, yo!

In perfect transition, Princess Muffintop also presented me with an award! (drum roll...yes, I will drum roll every fucking time)

It's the Cherry on Top Award just in case you aren't paying attention...my cherry was busted in the early 90's so to win it back means a lot to me.  I've missed you Cherry...I also miss Tight Vagina but not nearly as much as T- daddy I'm sure, do they have that award?  Sorry, I'm being ungrateful...

With this award I have to tell you three things I love about myself...this is hard too because I am usually so modest.  I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but...

1. I love my face!  If you look past the lines, crows feet, sun spots, dry skin patches, 30 year old acne and a slight guido moustache I really am beautiful.
2. I love my abs, I love my abdominals! (Do you know that commercial?)  If you look past the stretch marks and 70 pounds of leftover pregnancy belly flab that looks like crinkled up papers they are really tight.  I should get a belly button ring actually.
3. I love this blog and I love the blogs I follow and I love you for reading!

I am supposed to give this award away but I need a Mountain Dew or something...check out my profile and click on any of the blogs I follow, you will not be disappointed!  Do you want to know what is disappointing?  That no sweet, problem solving alcohol will be hitting these lips this weekend...why oh why did I give up booze for Lent?  So. Fucking. Stupid.

Things I'm going to start doing at the office...1st edition

• When someone asks what I am having for lunch I am going to say, "Dinner regurgitated from last night."
• When they don't believe me and walk over to my cubicle to see what I'm really having I will have a plastic baggy of chewed up bread/chips/chicken sitting on my desk and offer them a sample.  (I learned that baggy trick from Intervention, thank you A&E)
• The next time I am in the restroom and another individual enters the stall next to me I'm going to ask who it is and whether they have answered me or not I'm going to say, "mmm hmm, I've heard of you"
• I'm going to have conversations with coworkers while my eyes are completely closed.
• If someone asks for my assistance I am going to state that I really don't have time but know someone that does, I will then reach into my desk drawer and pull out a sock puppet who will proceed from there.  
• I am going to talk to myself so loud that the folks around me think I am talking to them...oh wait, I already do this...moving on.
• Every task I complete I am going to yell out, "Woot Woot...in your face task, how does it feel to be done task, shove it up your ass to-do list!"
• Take naps
• Start a show and tell that I will hold at my cubicle...just for me.  "For show and tell today Summer I brought a water bottle that holds 24 total oz's of aqua."  "Wow Summer that is fascinating and very hydrating."

Did I mention I gave up booze for Lent?  Do you know that prescription pills are not booze?  Exactly...

I should have known better...

I've spent the greater part of today looking for a really good picture of Thing 1 and/or Thing 2 from the Cat in The Hat movie because I am quite certain their look for that flick was based off this guy...

These type of posts are what happens when someone gives up facebook and booze for Lent...

This will only hurt for a second...

I apologize for my absence...I'm super duper busy at work and that is when I blog...I'm extremely productive!  Want to hire me?

Short and sweet and completely offensive to Catholics (apologies in advance)...

I was driving home from work and I always pass a Catholic school.  This specific evening, I see the priest who is a rather young, dark haired gentlemen with a perfectly styled coif walking with a teenage boy, dressed in a basketball uniform leaving what appears to be the priest's quarters and returning to the school located across the street.  I immediately jump to the conclusion that this child has just paid his alter boy dues.  I concoct this elaborate and rather disturbing story line in my head and then make it my mission to try and get a look at the boys face.  What expression lies there...guilt, shame, sorrow, maybe even acceptance?  This seriously happened in less then 4 seconds as I passed the school.  I was completely sold that in about 5 years I am going to see this kid on A&E's Intervention that I had goose bumps for half of my hour drive home.

What does this prove?  Simply that the scene in Basketball Diaries where Coach Swifty tries to touch Jim's nugs in the locker room has made every grown man with a perfectly side swept, lacquered hairstyle accompanied with a high school age basketball player a pedophile.  Completely reasonable...

Intervention, here I come...

I was absolutely prepared to write about something awesome and hilarious and completely embarrassing but after this article I decided to quit drinking and take up heroin...for health reasons and the safety of those I care about. 

It's a black tar party!

Now I am too busy falling asleep to, passing out in a heroin induced coma, watching Basketball Diaries for hooker inspiration (either from Juliette Lewis or the Sweet Valley High twins) and figuring out which family member I'm going to steal from to get my next fix.

Thank goodness I gave up booze...

Introducing Scummer...

If you read regularly then you'll know Scummer is my alter-ego.  She is quite possibly the most annoying chick on the planet but everyone loves when she decides to make an appearance...well, everyone with a vagina or anyone who does not have a wedding ring tattooed on their finger that matches my own.  In essence, my husband hates her & my friends and creepy single dudes love her and usually egg her on.  Truth be told, she doesn't need egging...
I thought the best way to explain her is through photos...

This is Scummer in the making...the yellow cup and straw are usually a dead giveaway that she is revving up for an appearance.  Innocent bystanders or gals who have not yet been acquainted have no idea what they are in for. 

Uh-Oh...sure tells Scummer has arrived; someone is fondling her, alcoholic substance in hand, the fucking duck face and she has aged about 60 years...

Don't be fooled by the sweet faces surrounding Scummer, they have all had a hand in her demise and point and laugh as she becomes what we like to refer to as "a situation".  Also, don't be fooled with how together Scummer looks in this photo, she has no idea where she is. 




















But what she does know is she wants a sandwich...and when she gets hungry...

She ATTACKS!

and then goes to sleep...

Oh Scummer, until next time...

Special thanks to a small little valley who made Scummer's appearance possible and to all those who met her for the first time last Saturday, she meant no harm...or did she???

Drugs are getting a raw deal...

People start a war on them.
People raid places that house them.
People stash them so their niece/nephew won't steal them.

What did drugs ever do?  They are just sitting quietly in your medicine cabinet, old coca-cola tin or bejeweled pill box wanting to make you happy, or help you sleep, or take away the feeling you are going to barf every time you have a family reunion to attend.  Heck, they even make some people less annoying.  Isn't it people that abuse drugs???  Let's just wipe out the population giving drugs a bad name!
This train of thought got me thinking about the different types of drugs and how they form.  Do you know that magic mushrooms sprout from cow dung?  Who is all, "let's save cows...cows are so cute and we shouldn't make them into big, juicy, delicious burgers?"  The vegetarians!  So, I am starting a new war against vegetarians because I think it's obvious they are behind the people abusing drugs...

Don't hate the playa...

I love playing games...mind games, make believe games, pretending I like you when I think you are a total bitch because we work together and I can't tell you to go eff yourself because I don't have another job yet games and now...blogger games.  This one comes from two gals who are funny and more importantly like to drink. 
I tell you three things, two of which are the truth and one is a lie.  You have to guess what is a lie and I tell you which is which next Thursday and you can win a BIG PRIZE!  Big Prize = A signed picture of me.  See?  Isn't this going to be FUN!?! 
This is going to be rather difficult as I am pretty sure there are some of you reading that have thoroughly dissected all of the skeletons in my closet and also the fact that I am terrible at keeping my own secrets.  Here we go...

1. I don't "hate" anyone because "hate is murder in the heart"
2. I have never murdered anyone with my bare hands
3. I can't stand that people read my blog and don't sign up as a follower and therefore I am only at 20 something people in my blogger fan club.  Newsflash people ~ popularity contests didn't end in high school!

4th meal...

If it's 2:25am and you are ordering 8 different menu items at Taco Bell while your spouse is passed out in the passenger seat it probably means 1) you're fat, 2) you must need to crap, 3) you should not be driving.  If it's 8:30am that next morning and upon entering the vehicle in which you had the slop fest it smells like Mexico (not the tourist sections) and you locate 3 of the listed 4 soft tacos in the side door and under your seat it probably means 1) you weren't really that hungry to order almost $15 dollars worth of refried bean, 2) you have diarrhea because you did eat the 5 other items listed and 3) you have given up booze once again until the next time you rope your parent and in laws into an overnight visit with your boys.
Might I add that I had never eaten a Mexican Pizza or a Quesadilla from Taco Bell before this caloric debacle.  Might I also add that I didn't want a freakin' Chicken Soft Taco, I wanted a Chicken Grilled Stufft Burrito and that was all I was supposed to order and then, well, 8 completely different items happened.  That must be how Kate Gosselin felt...

H.Q.B.I.C. - Random Tuesday

Friday started out with a random little carpenter ant in my kitchen that was immediately squashed by my super cute black mary jane...then I noticed that this carpenter ant wasn't so random because they were ALL OVER MY FUCKING FLOOR.  Like, everywhere!  So, I began shuffle ball changing all over my kitchen stomping out the colonized bastards as I'm yelling to my husband, "get the kids...they are everywhere, go get ant killer, oh my gawd they are EVERYWHERE!"  My son in the background reminding me, "mom, we don't say Gawd..."  He couldn't hear me pronounce the W.  I may have squealed at this point I'm not sure and don't judge.  What would you have done if you were standing in your kitchen where you make PB&J's in heart shapes for your children staring down one of these...

Those are PINCHERS people!!!!  Ready and willing to rip apart my flesh and drag pieces of my sweet skin to their wicked little queen bitch which could totally happen if by some freak accident during my murderous dance routine I fell and cracked my head on the utensil drawer knocking myself clean out.  I would lay there paralyzed as they took me bit by bit in a single file line to the one they worship.

Whoa, whoa...settle down there friend.  Everything is fine.  I sprayed the entire house down with insecticide made special for ants (it said it was safe and had little children's drawings on it to prove that point so it must be true!)  The next day I woke up and none of the family had any bites or the beginning of flesh eating disease so all is right with the world...or so I thought.  Once my mother heard of Friday's events she begins to explain that these ants will eat my house from the inside out hence why they are carpenters.  So, apparently these guys have tool belts and everything and they are in the wood on my home just taking things apart bit by bit and presenting it to their head bitch in charge, the queen of their colony.  So, guess who comes today?  Terminex you pinching, wood eating, pillaging, flesh eating, dancing mumma murdering bastards!!  Who is the Head Queen Bitch In Charge now M'fers!!!!  Mwah ah ah...

    

There's a pity party here, a pity party there, wave your hands in the air, shake your derriere...

PLEASE NOTE - this is my random Tuesday post but apparently Big Brother and the Inner Party were completely against any illegal trafficking over the Internets yesterday...that, or my time machine just began working and if that's the case here I come Woodstock!!!!!

I don't feel random today...in fact I'm having one of those really awesome days where your mind let's you know that you are getting ready to have your period...have it or release it, I'm not sure the best term but I'm moody and may have cried a couple times just this morning.  I wonder if I can get my hands on one of those wire hangers for a back alley hysterectomy.  Dear hormonal imbalances, it's not working out...

I drank myself to sleep last night (one fish bowl did the trick so don't worry family, my alcoholic doppelganger scummer is not coming back into town) and never put the load of laundry I had sitting on the couch in the washer.  When I awoke this morning and saw the basket of clothes I thought they were clean...needless to say I am wearing A LOT of body spray today. 

I am doused in a body spray titled Pure Seduction...The bottle states I'll imagine I am standing in a lush garden of sensual fragrance but to be honest there is nothing lush or sensual about the fragrance I am emitting.  This is garbage chic at it's finest people...

The turtle is still alive and I'm actually starting to like the little bugger.  He has been the easiest to care for...he doesn't scratch at the back door to go out or whine because he hasn't eaten in a couple of days, will these kids ever give me a break?

We are having a party for my youngest son in July and my mom asked if there was anything I still needed.  I shared my list of still needs and then added, "Oh you know what else?  I need water balloons!"  To which she responded, "I can definitely get those.  They have a huge bag of them at the dollar store...they are called water balloons."  Yes mom, yes they are...

Fondly ~ SumSum

Am I in 1984?

Big Brother is obviously keeping a watchful eye on my internet voyages and has certainly sabotaged my afternoon blogging.  I don't understand what the big deal is...sure, I am clearly not obeying the electronic communications policy set forth in the employee handbook but it's not like I'm the one knee deep in porn (today).  I'm not the one sending love e-mails to the married person I'm having a lucid affair with in another department (yes, that is really happening and it is as juicy as it sounds).  I'm not spending 20 minutes 3+ times each day in the handicap stall suffering from wicked IBS (we have code words for when not to enter the facilities; RED=do not enter/PINK=subtle shat scent/CLEAR=proceed with your own dump).  I'm not traveling from cubicle to cubicle spreading my halitosis around the entire floor (I really think this person has a serious medical condition and their breath is screaming a warning to deaf ears).  I'm certainly not the one sitting at my desk all day picking at acne on my neck and then going into the kitchen to grab cookies brought in for the whole office (no one touched the casserole this person brought in during the Christmas pot luck).  I blog and if that's a crime, damn it, sue me but don't fire me because as much as I don't want to admit it I need this gig...at least until Andy Samberg stumbles upon my blog and wants me to write the follow up to Dick in a Box, Twat in a Tote.

Fondly ~ SumSum

ADD in full effect; I could really use the H today...

There are so many topics flying around this fat head of mine that I've decided to purge them out in one post.

• I have recently heard of a perfume fragrance called Vulva, which apparently is bottled pink taco smell. If you want to smell like crotch I will be more than happy to swab mine with a Q-Tip and place my sweet funk on your pulse points for half the price.
• I know the Pink Taco is also a restaurant chain in LA but when I say pink taco I am referring to your roast beef sandwich of love, your axe wound of desire, or a favorite childhood reference dibadoo.
• What has happened to Rihanna? After Chris Brown cold cocked her in the face she has turned into a real hooch. Example is her latest song, "C'mon Rude Boy Boy, Can you get it up, C'mon Rude Boy Boy, Is you big enough"...Really? I can't wait until Ryser repeats these lyrics in Sunday School. Stick to singing about rain gear!
• I am domestically challenged...I can't really cook and cleaning is so foreign to me. I need at least a 45 minute warning before company is coming over and even then our upstairs is completely off limits. A friend passed this website on to me and it might just cure me before I become a topic on that Hoarding show...http://flylady.net/
• I did shine my sink (1st baby step at site mentioned above) and I took a picture of it to share here but this morning I was so blinded by the shine I forgot my camera. I guess I have to shine my sink now every night, this flying bitch is already asking a little much...
• I don't even watch Dancing with the Stars but I caught the very end last night before LOST and could Kate without her 8 of had a more sour puss look on her face? What more does this chick want from life...your ex-husband is a confirmed douche bag - bonus for you, you popped out 8 kids and someone hooked you up with lypo - that's another bonus and you make millions by placing sticky notes all over your house and demoralizing your partner - triple bonus.
• On another note what has happened to 90210 Brenda's face? I bet those witches from Charmed cast a spell on her!!! Karma at work...
• I'm still miserably failing at my work's weight loss challenge so I ate a Asiago Cheese bagel to make myself feel better.
• I'm thinking about changing my blog's name...
• JUST IN - I have received a short term disability claim for an employee and the attending physician's name is Seymour Wiener.

I feel lighter already...this purging thing really does work!

Fondly ~ SumSum

We need a revolution...

I've been thinking back to my own childhood and comparing it to what happens nowadays. I'm not saying what was done then was always the right way to go but I also don't remember moms being absolute stress cases. In the examples below of Then vs Now, I think we may need to chill out a little.

THEN - Your mom would leave you in a running, unlocked car while she ran into the store...the grocery store, with a list.
NOW - Let me know when you get custody back of your child for leaving them in a locked car, windows cracked with the alarm set as they watch Backyardigans just so you can scurry to pick up the take out.

THEN - Your child was just a brat
NOW - They have ADD, ADHD, Chemical Sensitivity, Sensory Processing Disorder and the whole family needs to see a therapist

THEN - You attended your parents bowling league night and hung out at the arcade while your mom and pops threw back a couple tall ones.
NOW - You spend $50.00 on a babysitter in addition to the $50.00 you spend on booze

THEN - Hamburger Helper, Macaroni & Cheese, Spaghettios with or without meatballs/hot dog chunks were all healthy, acceptable meals
NOW - You have to grow seaweed in your backyard with compost soil and meat, if consumed at all, should only be a free-range organic turkey that you've adopted through Farm Sanctuary

THEN - Moms drank to take the edge off
NOW - You still drink and also talk to a psychiatrist about your feelings and get prescribed xanex/ambien/anti-depressants and/or do time at a mental spa...

However, in my case, I just blog about it while drinking :)

Fondly ~ SumSum

Liar Liar Pants on...Wait! Where are my pants?

Here is a list of totally awesome things that may or may not have happened to me in the past week.

• I may or may not have won $1,253.00 on keno
• I may or may not have had a lice scare that caused the entire family to be drenched in lice killing maybe autism causing lice killer shampoo
• I may or may not have told the neighbor to please call the pound if my dog gets out of the yard again
• I may or may not have made spaghetti
• I may or may not be required to pay the state approximately $400 because of a faulty head light
• I may or may not have seen an extra marital affair happen right before my eyes at my day job
• I may or may not have visited the 'We Po Grocery Sto' in hopes to live on a smaller penny
• I may or may not have gone to Huckleberry Junction

There you have it! One week of totally awesome things that may or may not have happened. They might all be true or they might all be false...that's only for me to know. Well, me and Drop Dead Fred.

Fondly ~ SumSum

P.S. I'm buying time until I can write something really witty in the next couple days...I'm a full time working mom with a part time sleep habit so give me a break you Frappe drinkers from the north!

Really?

I don't know if you can quite make out this genius idea for a vanity plate but it states WSKYGAL. Now, I know what you are thinking...how clever must one be to blatantly advertise their alcoholism on something like their license plate. I KNOW!!! I have been kicking myself that I don't have my own vanity plate...something along the lines of ILUVMETH or IMHIGH maybe even MESOHORNY (too long?).
So WSKYGAL, I hope you enjoy your next serving of alcoholic beverage distilled from fermented grain mash and good luck with the next DUI you f'g moron.
Side note - That really happened!
Disclaimer - I do not do meth, nor get high on any substance other than life and I'm never horny.

Fondly ~ SumSum