Today's Special!

TODAY'S SPECIAL ~ Crazy with a shot of More Crazy


Toot, Toot!

That's my horn and "toot, toot" is me tooting it, my own horn, get it, come on it was funny...whatever, fuck off.

So why the narcissistic celebration?  Well if you must know, over the past couple months I've been given a couple blog awards...yeah, people like me.  The cool thing about these awards is it opens you up to other funny people out there in blog world...the not so cool thing is it means you have to do a bunch of shit and I think we have established at this point that I'm both lazy and bitchy so I haven't handled my blog award business.  So I am going to that today...okay?  Here we go...

The first award is (drum roll)....

No, it's not The Lick Old Lesbians Award.  I made that mistake too and my upper lip still smells like Cream of Mushroom soup...was that too far Charlie?  Anyway, it apparently stands for Laugh Out Loud and all the youngsters use this to communicate when something is tremendously much so that they actually laugh out loud.  See?  See how that works...those annoying little fuckers are tricky aren't they?

First and foremost I have to tell you who I make Laugh Out Loud and it's none other than Downtown Jenny Brown.  She is funny so go there...NOW!

Next I have to state 7 unknown facts about myself...this is hard because there isn't too much of the unknown.  Let's see what I can pull out of my ass...
  1. I've never actually licked an old lesbian, I am not saying I wouldn't
  2. I do have a terrible habit of biting cheeks, face cheeks
  3. I have never bitten a butt cheek, I am not saying I wouldn't
  4. I cry when I'm pissed which thoroughly fucks up portraying how pissed I am
  5. I laugh when someone is pissed at me which thoroughly fucks up showing how sorry I am
  6. I'm not usually sorry
  7. I do apologize more than I should
Well, that didn't go too bad if I do say so myself.  Next I have to pass on the award to a certain number of people but I can't remember so I am going to tell you about one blog I have recently stumbled upon and she might very well live in my parallel universe...

Princess Muffintop - This chick has a body of a muffin and not just any muffin but a Blueberry Muffin...I fucking love Blueberry Muffins!!!  There is another thing you didn't know about me.  So, I guess you could say I would LOL, lick this old lesbian, only she isn't old and she isn't a lesbian.  Oh well, she will make you laugh out loud so check her out, yo!

In perfect transition, Princess Muffintop also presented me with an award! (drum roll...yes, I will drum roll every fucking time)

It's the Cherry on Top Award just in case you aren't paying cherry was busted in the early 90's so to win it back means a lot to me.  I've missed you Cherry...I also miss Tight Vagina but not nearly as much as T- daddy I'm sure, do they have that award?  Sorry, I'm being ungrateful...

With this award I have to tell you three things I love about myself...this is hard too because I am usually so modest.  I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but...
  1. I love my face!  If you look past the lines, crows feet, sun spots, dry skin patches, 30 year old acne and a slight guido moustache I really am beautiful.
  2. I love my abs, I love my abdominals! (Do you know that commercial?)  If you look past the stretch marks and 70 pounds of leftover pregnancy belly flab that looks like crinkled up papers they are really tight.  I should get a belly button ring actually.
  3. I love this blog and I love the blogs I follow and I love you for reading!
I am supposed to give this award away but I need a Mountain Dew or something...check out my profile and click on any of the blogs I follow, you will not be disappointed!  Do you want to know what is disappointing?  That no sweet, problem solving alcohol will be hitting these lips this weekend...why oh why did I give up booze for Lent?  So. Fucking. Stupid.


  1. You totally deserve those awards. Way to be fucking awesome.

  2. I just licked old lesbians all the way through this post (which is super hard to do and read at the same time). Thanks for the shout out from my parallel universe!

  3. Congrats! Good to see that sarcastic bitchy-ness is rewarded in this world. I like that. :)

  4. Hey......I love your list of 7 never cease to let me down, do you?......I can always count on you to make me laugh.....and Congrats on your 'Cherry on Top Award'....You're freakin' awesome, girlfriend!

  5. Damn! I thought LOL stood for "Lick Old Larry." That's what my neighbor, Larry, told me. I think he's been taking advantage of me. I'm gonna go bleach my tongue now.

    And congrats on the awards - you ROCK!!!

  6. seriously. i've missed you.