Today's Special!

TODAY'S SPECIAL ~ Crazy with a shot of More Crazy


Too lazy to drink...

It's getting colder outside and a new personality is starting to emerge...Slumber.  I'm so lazy!  I think it's apparent considering my awesome blogs have been very sporadic.  I figured today I'd spew a couple of different things I've been thinking of writing about but haven't because...stretch...yawn...sleepy time... 

So, a friend shared a story about another friend attempting to sext with his wife for the first time...he initiates the convo and although I'm not sure exactly what he said I can imagine it went like this...
Friend of friend ~ "when I get home I am going to oil up those titties and watch the oil droplets bounce off your chin while I give it to you"
Wow, I'm pretty good at this!  Don't tell my husband...  Anyway, he is all in and ready to get down and dirty with some super hot sexting action when his wife replies, "yes, I will rub your penis and testes"
Better luck next time buddy...and after this story my first thought was your wife is a nurse but she isn't.  I think the point of this story is we should leave the sexting to the tweens.

I'm leaving work the other day and need to piddle before my hour long commute.  I am a first stall user because at some point in my life I read or over heard or dreamt that the first stall is used least and therefore usually the cleanest.  So, I arrive to my landing post and it looks like someone was murdered in there!  WARNING it's about to get gross...there was blood smeared all over the back of the toilet.  How does that even happen?  Seriously!?!  Women bleed out of their vag hole so someone please tell me how it would be physically possible to sit on a toilet and leave smears of blood at the back of the seat.  These thoughts followed me all the way home...I am still dying to know how 1) it happened and 2) this person didn't see the trail of death they left behind.  Thanks alot you dirty, bloody bitch for ruining my first stall theory...

Okay...Slumber is kicking in so that's all I got for now (yawn).  Sorry if you were eating lunch during this post...or maybe I shouldn't be sorry because you're on a diet and I just stopped you from eating that whole plate of cheese that case YOU'RE WELCOME!

Reality Bites...not a movie review

I've been in a bit of a funk...I'm not walking around writing "life sucks" on my thighs with a sharpie marker or anything but I've realized that aging is not only adding crows feet, laugh lines and gunt flab but it is also stealing my magical gift of making things happen.  I've practiced 'The Secret' way before someone wrote a book telling everyone that it was a secret, and newsflash it's no fucking secret.  You think positive things and believe things will happen and they just least, they used to.  Have I lost you yet?  Yeah I'm a bowl full of sense and positive energy right it up!
Let me explain...In the past if I've wanted something badly enough, truly believed with all my might that it was going to happen and played it out in my head it usually turned out the way I wanted it to.  I've always thought of it as a tricky little power I have over the universe.  Yes, I am that delusional.  Anyway, for one of the first times in my life the outcome was not at all as I perceived it to be. 
Umm, hello's SumSum...we aren't friends anymore???
So now what?  Is someone else in charge here because I don't roll to the beat of anyone else's drum!?!  I have even said OUT LOUD, "If people would just do exactly as I say things would run a lot more smoothly around here"...I was greeted with the response, "You'd love that wouldn't you?"  Umm yeah, I would...that's probably why I said it!
Anyway, ADD is kicking is my special power gone?  Has it been eaten away by the bitterness of reality and I'm not some powerful, ESPN having specimen of magic that causes things to happen with my thoughts???  Perhaps I'm not but could it be it's not the bitterness that has sucked it away, or aging that is causing me to lose it rather I'm a batty, ape shit crazy egomaniac that has now realized that the world doesn't spin on an axis called SumSum and sometimes you don't get the job, or the promotion, or walk out of your sister's wedding to see the dude of your dreams waiting outside leaning on his car (oh, Jake Ryan...) and it has nothing to do with how hard you prayed or how much you fantasized about getting the call saying, "YOU WIN!  WE CHOOSE YOU!!!"...sometimes SHIT HAPPENS!
Wait...what am I saying??? Obviously things didn't turn out the way I wanted them too because I am dealing with a bunch of retards that can't tell a diamond from a turd...yeah, that has to be it.  Now, I'm imagining having Panera for lunch...get busy on that request universe!