Today's Special!

TODAY'S SPECIAL ~ Crazy with a shot of More Crazy


You can take back the bra burning but I'm keeping the weed...

Today a WOF shared that maybe she should go back to working on Fridays because she feels it's not fair that precious husband and father of her children is working seven days straight and they are just making ends meet.  Verbatim:  "I know I'm being selfish but I truly love dropping off and picking up my daughter from kindergarten one day a week and it's nice to be able to have some mom and son alone time while she is at school"
This thoroughly pissed me off...selfish?  It's selfish to want to stay home and spend quality mumma time with your children one freakin' weekday?  Selfish because you should be working 50+ hours a week rather than providing your children with SAHM stability and consistency?
As a working mother that's one of the many things you feel I pulling my own weight financially?  Is my boss not going to give me that bonus/promotion because Skippy has chicken pox (again)?  Is my kid going to be a 15 year old Emo cutter writing poetry about how mommy was never there???  Am I going to make it through another year not being addicted to speed because I don't have energy for it all?
I never asked for this...I don't want to be an equal partner.  I want to stay home with my kids and clean the house and make sure the dinner is on the table and still warm to prevent a good backhand from the husband.  I want to have play groups and walking groups and book clubs and recipe swaps with other mommies while all of our kids play out in the backyard.  I want June Cleaver...with highballs.

I am not in a position to have that luxury so I will continue to say, "You know, I'm just not the type of person that would be truly happy at home all day and that is why I work".  Bullshit!  I work because I have to...I work because someone had a great idea that I should go to college and make as much as a man and have all the same responsibilities as a man. 
That really bit us in the ass though didn't it?  Yeah, we have all the same opportunities as a man but in addition need to raise law abiding citizens who don't eat fast food every night who say please and thank you and don't  upper cut other children on the playground and have clean clothes and good smelling hair and trimmed nails all while ironing our work suit...oh, and make sure not to spank them because then they'll be druggie alcoholics. AWESOME!
Good lookin' out gals from the 60's!!!  


is it awkward...yes, now it is.

I was sitting, lying, passing out on the couch last night watching the Real World...I've been hooked since Andre, Becky, Eric, Heather B, Julie, Kevin, Norman...that's the cast of season one from 1992 for all you baybay's who follow.  Anyway I digress, during the commercial break a PSA of sorts comes on with a group of gals traveling around the country to talk to "famous and normal girls just like us about their periods"...What do we need to talk about?  Are periods uncomfortable to talk about?  Do gals exist that really don't know you can run and jump and even swim (GASP!) while wearing a tampon? 

How about I sum it up for everyone here...feel free to print this out and share with your daughters.

At some point you will start to hemorrhage from your vagina.  When it first happens you will freak out, your mom might cry and then your grandma will give you a card welcoming you to womanhood and all of your aunts will look at you with their head tilted to the side wearing a sympathetic smile. 

You will be frightened at the thought of shoving a cotton swab attached to a string in a place that only pee comes out and will resort to wearing a pad, be thankful it's no longer connected to a belt or something you wash and have to reuse.  Sooner or later though you'll be invited to a pool party during that blessed week (or two) and you'll have to go ahead and insert that cardboard applicator.  Don't worry, there are awesome pictorial instructions included in each Tampax box.  Plus, if your mom isn't a menopausal bitch by this point she can break it down in real talk. 

NO, the tampon will not break your hymen...the senior that takes you to prom as a freshman will definitely try though.  It's not embarrassing or weird but it is a tremendous pain in the ass (NOTE-the tampon does not go in your ass...exit only you freak!) and comes at the worst times.  Please, please, please shower every day (if you don't regularly) while you are menstruating (aka on your period, ragging, aunt flo is visiting, T.O.M., bleeding like a stuck pig that just won't die...okay I made that last one up).  Another good tip for once your sexually active is you might want to take that tampon out before you get busy and if you are too embarrassed to tell the dude your boning that you have a tampon in then might I suggest you keep practicing abstinence darlin'.  In addition, if you don't take my advice and ride that pony with your bloody cork don't ask your friend to try and find it with a flashlight the next day...M Kay?

So, there you have it MTV...looks like I've successfully handled the awkward period topic so let's move on to more pressing topics like how not to look like a 20 year old slut when you are 14.