The only coverage I'll do for the Royal Wedding...

Coincidence?



Introducing Scummer...

If you read regularly then you'll know Scummer is my alter-ego.  She is quite possibly the most annoying chick on the planet but everyone loves when she decides to make an appearance...well, everyone with a vagina or anyone who does not have a wedding ring tattooed on their finger that matches my own.  In essence, my husband hates her & my friends and creepy single dudes love her and usually egg her on.  Truth be told, she doesn't need egging...
I thought the best way to explain her is through photos...

This is Scummer in the making...the yellow cup and straw are usually a dead giveaway that she is revving up for an appearance.  Innocent bystanders or gals who have not yet been acquainted have no idea what they are in for. 

Uh-Oh...sure tells Scummer has arrived; someone is fondling her, alcoholic substance in hand, the fucking duck face and she has aged about 60 years...

Don't be fooled by the sweet faces surrounding Scummer, they have all had a hand in her demise and point and laugh as she becomes what we like to refer to as "a situation".  Also, don't be fooled with how together Scummer looks in this photo, she has no idea where she is. 




















But what she does know is she wants a sandwich...and when she gets hungry...

She ATTACKS!

and then goes to sleep...

Oh Scummer, until next time...

Special thanks to a small little valley who made Scummer's appearance possible and to all those who met her for the first time last Saturday, she meant no harm...or did she???

I'd like to thank the little people...

Look!  I got another one of those people not related to me actually read my blog and like it awards!  A chick who I bet has 20/20 vision and can leap buildings in a single bound gave it to me...go check her out at The Opto-Mom.

The first thing I did was google the word versatile because maybe I don't want to own up to being a Versatile Blogger.  The definition read - with many uses: able or meant to be used in different ways as well as changeable: subject to rapid or unpredictable change.  So basically I'm an unpredictable nut case that is meant to be chewed up and spit out or rode hard and put away wet.  Heck yes, that is totally me!!!  So, thank you Opto-Mom!  I have never received a better compliment...

Part of the rules are I have to pass the award on to bloggers I also think are versatile.  I am drawn to folks of this nature:

Yo Mama's Blog - I originally visited this gal because I was surprised to find out my mom had a blog, turns out it's not really my mom...
Wait in the Van - This is one stranger that I would actually get in their van...and wait.
The Un-Mom - She introduced me to random thoughts and a weekday called Tuesday...
Red Means Go - Quite possibly the funniest chick on the information superhighway, also she is not above whoring herself out for fame and that's admirable.
Just Getting Going - She is newer to the blog scene and apparently if I ever get kidnapped I need to provide the po-po her scar history and breast size, good to know!
The Bloggess - This gal is pretty much the cat's ass of blogging...

I think you will see a theme here...anxious alcoholics hiding behind a computer screen and all pretty much AWESOME!

I also need to share 5 random things about myself...
This is starting to feel like work...

1. I bought a pair of jeggings - for those who don't know those are jean leggings, I know, that's just ridiculous, but I try to camouflage my gut by putting the focus on my chicken legs.
2. I tried them on for my husband and his reply was, "we are watching too much Jersey Shore"
3. I wore them for the fist time this weekend and at the first bar we stopped at a tear across my upper thigh neighboring my coochie occurred...by tear I mean gapping hole.
4. I contemplated just cutting them off into shorts, Sammi Sweetheart style.
5. I do watch too much Jersey Shore.

Ahh well, I bet none of those guidette bitches have won a versatile blogger award!  Boo-Ya!

Copy cat blogger...

I've noticed there is a rash of blogs where people tell a little about themselves and what made them the way they are today...considering my favorite topic happens to be me and whatever conversation you are having I eventually circle back to me (it's a gift really) I am going to totally copy because originality is exhausting.

Please do not confuse copy cat blogger with copy cat killer, even though Ted Bundy had some really good ideas...

My dad stuck his shaft in a popcorn box at the drive-in back in the 70's and my mom fell madly in love.  They were married after my dad un-married his first wife (kinda blew it with that chain of events dad)...they did the horizontal tango and this happened...

I became more and more adorable...

I discovered boys and one chap in particular immediately knew I was going places...

I also discovered alcohol, Felix the Cat, Children's Gardens, Candy Kids and a little group lovingly referred to as The Friday Night Posse...memories were made, brain cells were fried.

This was also when Scummer emerged...my co-pilot who takes the wheel when I'm not going to remember anything the next morning.  Many have met her but often times you don't know until it's too late.  She bites and she wrestles and she talks too loud and stands way too close.  I have a soft spot in my heart for her but my husband does not...mainly because when she shows up it means at the end of the night he will be carrying dead weight from the vehicle to the bed.

Oops, skipping ahead...remember that dude who stalked me in high school...err, I mean, knew I was going places...well, we got hitched.  After one engagement fail and a "break" I tricked him into believing that I would be the best thing that would ever happen to him...SUCKER!

He knocked me up...not once, but twice...

If it looks painful, it's because it was...I had one child rip his way out of my vagina (4th degree tear, 100 stitches and the doctor actually mentioned at one point he was rebuilding my sphincter) and the other was surgically removed from my gut....They are wild, in every sense of the word, and definitely all mine my husbands.

 

I love my girls...

I love beer...

I love boys who dress as girls...

I love supporting chicks through medical school...one dollar at a time...

I love The Hoff...

I love being AWESOME...

and ranting...

and most of all I LOVE LOVE LOVE the Craziness that is MY LIFE...most days, some days, today, at the time I wrote this post...

Thanks for being a part of it!  For that, YOU ARE AWESOME!

WT"f" book...and other birthday ridiculousness

We had a birthday bash this past weekend and as I was torching my home and rebuilding it so all my guests would think I was super organized and clean my mom and I came across this in my son's room... 

Not appropriate Scholastic...but look at how excited my mom is about it!  They were really off on the age range for this book.

We had a water slide at the birthday bash and it didn't take long before some freak nasty adults decided to take the plunge.  Beer may or may not have been involved...it was a kid party isn't booze a necessity???

Yes, one of those freaks is me and yes, we are holding hands as we slippety doo dah down to the pool of death (it was scary) and no, children were not harmed or completely mortified during this debacle...at least that is what we are telling ourselves.

It was a good party, my body still hurts from all the good that went down...and apparently my husband and I need to have a talk...

I would like to thank my mom for having bi-polar disorder...

I won something freak nasty followers!!!!  Look at me!  I SAID LOOK AT ME!!! (clapping and jumping up and down in excitement but careful not to give myself a black eye Dolly Parton style)!  I have been waiting months for someone in blog land and not related or who I am paying for friendship to say, "Hey SumSum, I noticed you and you're kind of funny...you must have some sort of mood disorder"  and guess what?  Somebody freakin' did!

To check out who currently is in the lead as the President (& also a client) of my FAN CLUB, go here:
http://www.likeshessomebody.com/2010/07/frisky-feedback-friday-winners.html

All you other bitches better step up your game and tell me how awesome I am quick or it is OVER...well, not really, but let's just pretend I am really serious. 

I can help get you started.  SumSum is awesome because...(you fill in the rest!)

Am I in 1984?

Big Brother is obviously keeping a watchful eye on my internet voyages and has certainly sabotaged my afternoon blogging.  I don't understand what the big deal is...sure, I am clearly not obeying the electronic communications policy set forth in the employee handbook but it's not like I'm the one knee deep in porn (today).  I'm not the one sending love e-mails to the married person I'm having a lucid affair with in another department (yes, that is really happening and it is as juicy as it sounds).  I'm not spending 20 minutes 3+ times each day in the handicap stall suffering from wicked IBS (we have code words for when not to enter the facilities; RED=do not enter/PINK=subtle shat scent/CLEAR=proceed with your own dump).  I'm not traveling from cubicle to cubicle spreading my halitosis around the entire floor (I really think this person has a serious medical condition and their breath is screaming a warning to deaf ears).  I'm certainly not the one sitting at my desk all day picking at acne on my neck and then going into the kitchen to grab cookies brought in for the whole office (no one touched the casserole this person brought in during the Christmas pot luck).  I blog and if that's a crime, damn it, sue me but don't fire me because as much as I don't want to admit it I need this gig...at least until Andy Samberg stumbles upon my blog and wants me to write the follow up to Dick in a Box, Twat in a Tote.

Fondly ~ SumSum

Stupid Giraffe...Random Tuesday

I hate the turtle...this animal has already cost more of my time than most humans. I feed it, turn the heating light on and off and fill the water when it gets low. The other day, I was replacing the water with a cup I use for the boys bath and all of a sudden I noticed a film on the top of his water (remnants of no tear shampoo...oops). At first I was going to blame BP and just go on with my life but I couldn't fucking do it!!! So here I am at 6am, when people like Snoop Dog have bitches in the living room gettin' it on, cleaning out the damn fish tank. I want the turtle dead but it can't be by my own hands...I need to let the boys play with it more, perhaps while balancing over sulfuric acid.

Hudson spent most of last week battling an "unexplained fever" because doctor's go to school for all those years and make all that money to give you that kind of diagnosis. I can't wait to pay the bill for that office call. Anyway, so the boys spent a lot of time with grandma and grandpa so I could still bring home the bacon. Ryser comes home on Friday with a gash between his eyes that grandma so nonchalantly referred to as a paper cut. I ask, "Ryser, how did you get that boo boo on your head?" He isn't familiar with the term gash yet...and he responds, "Beau threw a stupid giraffe and hit me in the stupid head" I correct him and explain that his head isn't stupid but high five on the correlation between stupidity and giraffes. Have you ever seen a giraffe do a trick? Exactly...I'm basically raising a genius!

Shirts that cost under $20 should not have dry clean only as a care instruction. You should also not wash said shirt if you liked the way it looked upon purchasing it.

A point to support my "Stupid Giraffe" movement:
- Lions and large packs of hyenas, are the giraffe's enemies.
- A lion can die if kicked by a giraffe.
If a Lion can die by being kicked by a Giraffe then why would it be listed as one of it's enemies? Because Giraffes are stupid...

..and apparently, much like us women, love screwing an ass...POW! I'll be here all night.

Fondly ~ SumSum

Random Tuesdays...I'm in!

I hear, in the serious blog world, Tuesday is when you throw up all of your random thoughts. Thank God there is a day for it because I always have random crap in this over sized head of mine...over sized due to genetics and ego, if you were wondering...

So, my son was given a baby turtle from grandpa to hold captive in his bedroom yesterday...I went in there this morning and explained to this tiny little turtle that death is imminent...so sorry Raphael, our temporary teenage mutant ninja turtle.

Do turtles smell? I'm sure ours will...

I never do my hair for work anymore...maybe if I did I would have a better chance at a sexual harassment lawsuit.

I did the dishes last night so that dead, rotting turkey smell is evaporating...if you are confused by this random thought please see previous post.

I am so surprised that Tito Ortiz would ever lay a violent hand on Jenna Jameson...who would ever suspect someone who has made a career out of breaking people's nose or arms and wrestling around in other dudes blood would be a wife beater.

I have to pee. Thankfully I'm not wearing a party cardi because we know how that turns out...

Fondly ~ SumSum

Where I learned about Random Tuesday; http://www.theunmom.com/ Go there and make a friend!

Mama said Knock You Out!

Before I really get started I love that song by LL Cool J! Another LL song I miss, Around the Way Girl...you know it; "I want a girl with extensions in her hair, Bamboo earrings, at least two pair, a Fendi bag and a bad attitude, that's all it takes to get me in a good mood" LOVE THAT SONG!!! You can thank me later for getting that stuck in your head for the rest of the day...at least it's not "Diddy" again, right Sissy?

So, back on topic...it's Groundhog Day or Week actually around the house. We are once again getting bad behavior reports from our childcare provider. For those of you who don't know, we went through this same thing last November when we had to leave an awesome preschool/daycare because of biting, among other things. Now the biting has subsided and has been replaced by everything but, i.e. pushing, hitting, kicking, punching, the list could continue but I think you get the point. Now, maybe my 3 year old is the next Muhammad Ali and someday I will look back on these beat downs and say, "Ahhh" but right now I am saying, "Uggh". I have no vision of him being a professional fighter. Based on what I know so far if he is going to be a professional anything it will be a dancer, a celebrity impersonator or a comedian (or a contestant on RuPaul's Drag Race, but let's hope not...no offense to my gay followers ~ as Kathy Griffin would say, "I love The Gays!").


Here he is impersonating one of the dancers from Fame and a Fendi bag sales representative.

To be quite honest, this kid is hilarious. He already holds one of the top spots of funniest people I know and at 3, that's like the Albert Einstein of comedy. So, why the dark side? Well, I attribute it to a Smokey Robinson & the Miracles song...Tears of a Clown (I am all about songs today). You can't be true to the comedy craft unless you suffer from bi-polar disorder, depression and struggle with some sort of aggression issues. If a few kids need to get smacked down so I someday retire and live in a cabana in Fiji thanks to his success...so be it!

Fondly ~ SumSum

I have one thing to say, sashay shante...

Followed next by a check and a note...that last night was dope!

I have always known this about myself but it has truly become clear to me after my Friday night with John Mayer. Yes! John "racial slurring, motor boat loving, homo make out, possible drug addict if Jessica Simpson were coke" Mayer. I don't care what the dude says, he has become ridiculously sexy over the past couple years and I am quite certain his song, Your Body is a Wonderland was written for me and about me. Granted my 'Wonderland' resembles that of the Old Mine Ride at Cedar Point but a Wonderland just the same...anyway, I'm getting off topic.

My name is SumSum (Ms. SumSum if you're nasty) and I am a one night stand friend. Hi SumSum! Now don't get it twisted, I'm not sharing my precious taco of love with these strangers. I am merely giving them, for one night only, my friendship. It usually goes down like this...I begin chatting up some random person within the group but not part of the group or maybe just sitting near us. We laugh, we cry, we dance, at some point we hug (I'm a lover) and by the end of the night we have exchanged e-mail addresses, phone numbers and perhaps even requested facebook friends as well as made plans to hang out again and SOON! "Let's not just say it, let's really do it!" Direct quote made by me a million times!

The sad truth of the matter is I will never see nor speak to this person again. We won't meet for dinner or drinks, we won't hang out next weekend and we will never go on your annual summer canoe trip. We created a spark and for that one night we were friends, really great friends, with so much in common and such promise to truly become a BFF item but let's not tarnish our memories of each other by extending that friendship past that one night.

So, there you have it...I'm a whore for friendship!
Fondly ~ SumSum

One of my many one night stand friends, I don't even remember her name ~ Kid Rock 2009

Ravioli brings all the boys to the yard...

All this time I thought it was milkshakes but apparently I was wrong. I post one recipe on my blog and what happens??? I get another follower, granted it's not a boy and it might be another cousin but I'm counting that shit as success.

On another note, I don't cook and I'm not really great at cleaning up after a meal either so I don't think posting recipes will be my key to blog fame. To tell you the truth, I'm not in this to be famous I just really like talking about myself...hahahahahahaha, that's bullshit (I'm speaking of the not wanting to be famous part, the love affair I have with all things me is absolutely true).

In fact, I'm thinking about somehow changing my nationality to Italian just so I can have a shot at Jersey Shore season 2...if MTV gets one look at my fist pumping skills and my ability to take a punch from New Jersey Elementary School gym teachers I'm on that show faster than you can say mozzarella.

I need to work on NOT pointing my finger as I beat up that beat...and not being seated might work more in my favor as well.

Fondly~SumSum