Today's Special!

TODAY'S SPECIAL ~ Crazy with a shot of More Crazy


Phases of marriage aka when you love then hate and then love your husband again...

I've been married a successful 7 years.  There have been ups and downs, mainly between the sheets (dut-a-dunt), but overall a pretty decent union in comparison to some really fucked up relationships I know about.  I'm not talking about you so quit being so damn insecure.  I find no matter who you are, and no matter how much you lie about loving your husband and your life and kids (if they have ruined arrived in your life yet) we all go through the same bullshit right around the same times.  If you've just gotten engaged or still in your newlywed stage you are in luck because I'm going to save you a lot of "wondering if you made a mistake" time...for those in the 7 year stretch this is a fun trip down memory lane...

Congratulations it's your wedding day!!!
This is the best day of your life!  You will say later that you can not imagine being more in love with your husband than you were on this very day.  He will say everything right and look all kinds of handsome and be all kinds of charming.  You'll be hella tired but still want to bone because this is the beginning of the rest of your lives together!  The sky is the limit and you two will make it through anything because love is all you need...(insert your wedding song here).

It's your honeymoon!!!
There is no vacation that will ever come close to this trip you take with your brand new husband.  Great food, great drinks and even better sex (if you waited to have sex until marriage it stops hurting some time during your honeymoon).  This trip will be remembered and envied for the rest of your life.  For most of you it's the last time you will ever take a trip outside of your current state...

It's your one, two, three year anniversary!!!
These all will run together at some point so no need to break them out.  Real life has set in at this point but you are still too fresh in the marriage to really be honest how many times you fantasize about smothering your husband in his sleep.  He thinks you are his mother, or worse he acts just like her and you are about fed up of sucking his ass every day because he (choose one) 1) is unhappy with his job 2) has gained weight 3) is losing his hair 4) can't find the gel 5) is an idiot.  You are his housekeeper, his cheerleader, his mistress, his chef and his neck shaver.  He is your first child.

You are pregnant!!!
Why the fuck you got pregnant when you both are still partying your ass off until the wee hours of the morning no one will understand but don't worry every chick does it.  You think seeing those two lines is going to change both of your lives forever and it does, in time, but right now the only person's life that changes is yours and you have 10 months to knock your husband's ass straight.  However, this is both a scary and exciting time and there is a glimmer of hope that your fading love light is starting to ignite again.  This time is filled with as much overflowing pride and love for your husband as it's filled with empty threats of divorce, whether you say them aloud or under your breath. 
Overflowing love = going through the baby book of names together and finding that perfect one
Divorce = picking his drunk ass up from the bar at 2am
Overflowing love = hearing the heart beat for the first time when it all becomes real and you're not just getting fat
Divorce = picking his drunk ass up from the bar at 9pm

You are having a baby RIGHT F'G NOW!!!!!
This is the best day of your life!  You will say later that you can not imagine being more in love with your husband than you were on this very day!  If you've never seen your husband cry, he will and together you fall in love with someone other than each other.  It's pure and beautiful.
The first month or so, even through the after-birth hormonal insanity, your husband remains in this light of sainthood.  He caters to you and the baby and wants to be as much a part of this new life you are making together more than you could have possibly dreamed.

The toddler years and your additional children...
This is when the real fun of marriage begins.  You and all of your girlfriends bitch on the regular about your husbands...some husbands may help at bath time, others may load or unload the dishwasher, few may tell you you're beautiful without being asked but every single husband has one thing in common...he is an asshole.  This is the time when you say, on multiple occasions, that at some point you and your girlfriends will all divorce your husbands and move in together.  It's filled with hopes and dreams that at some point don't include your husband.  Every normal chick at this point in life wants to karate chop their husband in the throat more times than not and for those few gals that claim to be head over heels, everything is perfect and not have one bad thing to add to the bitch fest, well, their marriage is way more fucked up than yours...and he is a cheater.  Don't get me wrong, you'll still have good times with your husband but they will be limited to times when you get a babysitter or the kids go overnight with grandma or to summer camp...see the trend?  Yup, kids are precious!

I haven't made it much farther than this but I think I'll keep it out of divorce court, and so will you, with the help of booze and girlfriends.  Think of everything that lies ahead when you finally see the last life sucking demon spawn sweet angel baby off to begin their very own life leaving you to now live yours, no longer under their rule...falling in love with your husband in a whole new way and enjoying what is referred to as the Golden Years with your very best friends, i.e. vodka, SSI and that guy you married.  Plus, at some point, dementia will set in and we've all seen The Notebook so.......