Usually an absence like this involves a shit story...

I don't have a good excuse...My dog ate my blogger password?  I've gone blind (no, not from masturbation...who has time for that)?  My place of employment decided the QWERTY style keyboards were for cave men and switched the location of every key and now when I want to type "awesome" it results in "fartpop"? 

None of these are true (for you slow readers..) I just haven't felt the writing fire.  Sure some interesting things have happened that I should have purged on to this page, errr, screen like...

• I was told in front of my husband that I have great boobs and then being asked if I was married at which point I nod to my husband who is standing right next to me.  To be honest, the girls aren't all that great, just big...additionally my husband really could have cared less, mostly because he sees how not great they are.
• We were invited as a couple by same dude who really likes my boobs to join him, his wife and a another random group of folks to a place they call "fun town"
• This brought back memories of my honeymoon where my husband and I were propositioned by a couple who were really deep in the swinger community, we declined (sorry to let any freaks down but it was our honeymoon for goodness sakes) and the guy gave us his business card in case we changed our mind...they conveniently live a few hours away from our hometown even though we met them in Mexico...this story is much better actually but maybe for another time.
• I came in dead last at our latest weight loss challenge at work, DEAD fucking LAST!  I even ended with a negative percentage which means I closed out the competition at a higher weight then what I started...I've never been very competitive plus I really love bagels.
• My new year has not gone without shit, literally, my oldest son shat all over my cream carpet...it was a very interesting mix of diarrhea and mushy rabbit pellets and quite possibly the most shit I have ever seen released from a human being.  The kind that as you tried to wipe it up it just spread more and more around the cream carpet, did I mention the carpet color is cream? 
• As I'm dumping bleach basically on said shit stain my son stands there in amazement asking various questions, "Am I sick?  How does all that poop come out of my butt?  What is that sound your throat is making Mom?"  Umm, yes you are sick...I asked that same question myself...the sound is me gagging and trying not to add puke to the monstrous pile of crap.
• This same son also broke a bone...we are currently living that hell as he needs to wear a cast from hand to bicep for the next six weeks.  I have started drinking...more.
• My place of employ has cut us off from facebook and all other social networking sites which is the best thing to happen to my career...I have decided since to give up facebook for Lent because I think it's what Jesus would do.
• Look everyone I'm blogging, shove that up your ass network administrator!!!  I am quite certain after that I will be blocked from this site on Monday.

That's a small snippet of life since the last time I let you peek into my crazy, fabulous, psychotic, awesome rack world.  I hope that there are people out there that still like me...and enjoy reading.

Until next time I'll leave you with one of my fat girl thoughts, "You have stopped yourself from eating all of the 3rd piece of pizza you've taken at the work party because you truly can't fit another pepperoni into your gut when you realize there is still creamy romano dressing pooling at the bottom of your salad bowl so you take a sliver of french bread to soak it up and eat it"

That is reason number 572 that I came in dead last to the weight loss challenge.  I should be more depressed about it but I really could give a flying fuck...or a standing very still and calm fuck for that matter.

X, O & Donut Holes...
SumSum

Are you trying to tell me something...

There was a time in my life when I had certain underwears that were specifically worn during my period.  The point of that being I didn't want to goop up my hot little numbers that would be ripped off during steamy bouts of fornication.  The point of that back story is there was a time in my life when I was particular about panties but that time is loooooooooong gone darlin'.  In fact, any pair of underwear are fair play at anytime regardless of what may or may not be coming out of my va-jay-jay. 
That being said, over the holiday break our dryer took a shit.  My mom and my mother in law, the saints they are, jumped at the chance reluctantly offered to help do our laundry.  Now, I am no fool and I hate doing laundry so I was all like, "hellz yeah, I'll drop it off now" and they were all like, "shit fo sho foo"...well, it was more like, "yes, bring it but you DO need to get your dryer fixed"...mmm hmm, I'll get right on that.  Are you completely confused with where I am going here...wait for it because climax happens in...
5:
On Christmas Eve I reach into a stocking at my mom's house...
4:
In front of my own family, my brother and his family...
3:
On Christmas Day I unwrap a box beautifully adorned in bows and lace at my in laws house...
2:
In front of my own family and ALL of my in-laws to find on both occasions...
1:
A 5 pack of Hanes cotton hipsters.

Too lazy to drink...

It's getting colder outside and a new personality is starting to emerge...Slumber.  I'm so lazy!  I think it's apparent considering my awesome blogs have been very sporadic.  I figured today I'd spew a couple of different things I've been thinking of writing about but haven't because...stretch...yawn...sleepy time... 

So, a friend shared a story about another friend attempting to sext with his wife for the first time...he initiates the convo and although I'm not sure exactly what he said I can imagine it went like this...
Friend of friend ~ "when I get home I am going to oil up those titties and watch the oil droplets bounce off your chin while I give it to you"
Wow, I'm pretty good at this!  Don't tell my husband...  Anyway, he is all in and ready to get down and dirty with some super hot sexting action when his wife replies, "yes, I will rub your penis and testes"
SCREECHING HALT!
Better luck next time buddy...and after this story my first thought was your wife is a nurse but she isn't.  I think the point of this story is we should leave the sexting to the tweens.

I'm leaving work the other day and need to piddle before my hour long commute.  I am a first stall user because at some point in my life I read or over heard or dreamt that the first stall is used least and therefore usually the cleanest.  So, I arrive to my landing post and it looks like someone was murdered in there!  WARNING it's about to get gross...there was blood smeared all over the back of the toilet.  How does that even happen?  Seriously!?!  Women bleed out of their vag hole so someone please tell me how it would be physically possible to sit on a toilet and leave smears of blood at the back of the seat.  These thoughts followed me all the way home...I am still dying to know how 1) it happened and 2) this person didn't see the trail of death they left behind.  Thanks alot you dirty, bloody bitch for ruining my first stall theory...

Okay...Slumber is kicking in so that's all I got for now (yawn).  Sorry if you were eating lunch during this post...or maybe I shouldn't be sorry because you're on a diet and I just stopped you from eating that whole plate of cheese fries...in that case YOU'RE WELCOME!

is it awkward...yes, now it is.

I was sitting, lying, passing out on the couch last night watching the Real World...I've been hooked since Andre, Becky, Eric, Heather B, Julie, Kevin, Norman...that's the cast of season one from 1992 for all you baybay's who follow.  Anyway I digress, during the commercial break a PSA of sorts comes on with a group of gals traveling around the country to talk to "famous and normal girls just like us about their periods"...What do we need to talk about?  Are periods uncomfortable to talk about?  Do gals exist that really don't know you can run and jump and even swim (GASP!) while wearing a tampon? 

How about I sum it up for everyone here...feel free to print this out and share with your daughters.

At some point you will start to hemorrhage from your vagina.  When it first happens you will freak out, your mom might cry and then your grandma will give you a card welcoming you to womanhood and all of your aunts will look at you with their head tilted to the side wearing a sympathetic smile. 

You will be frightened at the thought of shoving a cotton swab attached to a string in a place that only pee comes out and will resort to wearing a pad, be thankful it's no longer connected to a belt or something you wash and have to reuse.  Sooner or later though you'll be invited to a pool party during that blessed week (or two) and you'll have to go ahead and insert that cardboard applicator.  Don't worry, there are awesome pictorial instructions included in each Tampax box.  Plus, if your mom isn't a menopausal bitch by this point she can break it down in real talk. 

NO, the tampon will not break your hymen...the senior that takes you to prom as a freshman will definitely try though.  It's not embarrassing or weird but it is a tremendous pain in the ass (NOTE-the tampon does not go in your ass...exit only you freak!) and comes at the worst times.  Please, please, please shower every day (if you don't regularly) while you are menstruating (aka on your period, ragging, aunt flo is visiting, T.O.M., bleeding like a stuck pig that just won't die...okay I made that last one up).  Another good tip for once your sexually active is you might want to take that tampon out before you get busy and if you are too embarrassed to tell the dude your boning that you have a tampon in then might I suggest you keep practicing abstinence darlin'.  In addition, if you don't take my advice and ride that pony with your bloody cork don't ask your friend to try and find it with a flashlight the next day...M Kay?

So, there you have it MTV...looks like I've successfully handled the awkward period topic so let's move on to more pressing topics like how not to look like a 20 year old slut when you are 14. 

Tuesday can suck a big fat...

It's already Tuesday...hmm, one week closer to death or if you're the positive type another day to live life to the fullest (barf).

I was told back in middle school by a very trusting OUIJA board that I would die at 19 in a car accident.  I guess I got one over on Satan because I'm still busting a move in my early 30's...come and get me Lucifer.  Something doesn't feel right about taunting the devil...WWJD? 

Well, in addition to deflated boobs, rippled belly and peeing a little every time I jump on the trampoline after my two pregnancies I have acquired allergies.  I don't know if being pregnant can create allergies but I am going to blame it on my spawn.  Those little bastards!  My nose is leaking like a broken faucet, I've been sneezing 7 to 10 times a day, and my eyes are itchy and watery.  I feel like a freakin' Claritan commercial.  Uggh, I want my pre-baby self back only let me keep the babies...although I do pump my fist in aggravation at the things they do driving me to break down and ask the doctor for xanex, I do love the little buggers and think they are awesome!  Someday, Ryser and Hudson, when you  are reading this that should make your heart smile.  You're welcome!

I'm wondering if I buy running shoes I will actually start running...I'll keep asking myself that knowing I will never buy running shoes so I will never start running. 

Back to the trampoline...I used to rock the trampoline in my youth and my boys just recently got a trampoline so I finally got on and gave it a whirl.  My insides felt as if they were literally going to just fall out of my vagina with each jump.  Also, as previously mentioned, I pee myself a little here and there.  AWESOME!  I'm doing my kegels right now.

Fondly ~ SumSum

My week wrapped in one sentence...kinda

I put my underwears on inside out today even after making very sure in the dark that they were not inside out.

How stupid I am - they are the silky kind** where it should be very evident that they are inside out.
How even more stupid - I didn't notice the first time I went to the bathroom.
How awesome I am - I left them that way...

Fondly ~ SumSum

**silky does not equal sexy! I don't mess around with sexy underwears because I am happily married.

P.S. I also forgot to put on deodorant but the title is my week in one sentence and I didn't want to blow it.

What smells like pee?

There are times in my life when I am quite certain I am paying for the sins I committed in a past life because stuff that happens to me just doesn't happen to good people. In this life, if you were wondering, I am a good person hence why they must be sins from the past.

I'm a bit out of sorts today to begin with because it's my first day back after a very long weekend and they played musical cubicles at the office so I sit in a brand new place then I did 4 days ago. I keep telling myself I got a new job hoping that gets me out of this work place slump but so far that hasn't been successful.

Anyway, I take my morning potty break after my super sized coffee and it is going as you would imagine a potty break would go...sit, spray, smile...then I go to wipe and that is when my life takes the cruel turn it normally does. Today, of all days, I am wearing one of those really hip cardigans that flow longer down in the front...pictured below if you couldn't get a mental pic after my ridiculously awesome description.



Well, guess what was wrapped in the toilet paper that was supposed to be gently dabbing my pink taco????? The freaking flowing part of the stupid cardigan!!!! Did I change it or ask someone to borrow their cardigan for the remainder of the day? Nope, I just rinsed it under hot water in the sink and figured that would be sufficient for work.

I'm super clean...
Fondly ~ SumSum

ADD in full effect; I could really use the H today...

There are so many topics flying around this fat head of mine that I've decided to purge them out in one post.

• I have recently heard of a perfume fragrance called Vulva, which apparently is bottled pink taco smell. If you want to smell like crotch I will be more than happy to swab mine with a Q-Tip and place my sweet funk on your pulse points for half the price.
• I know the Pink Taco is also a restaurant chain in LA but when I say pink taco I am referring to your roast beef sandwich of love, your axe wound of desire, or a favorite childhood reference dibadoo.
• What has happened to Rihanna? After Chris Brown cold cocked her in the face she has turned into a real hooch. Example is her latest song, "C'mon Rude Boy Boy, Can you get it up, C'mon Rude Boy Boy, Is you big enough"...Really? I can't wait until Ryser repeats these lyrics in Sunday School. Stick to singing about rain gear!
• I am domestically challenged...I can't really cook and cleaning is so foreign to me. I need at least a 45 minute warning before company is coming over and even then our upstairs is completely off limits. A friend passed this website on to me and it might just cure me before I become a topic on that Hoarding show...http://flylady.net/
• I did shine my sink (1st baby step at site mentioned above) and I took a picture of it to share here but this morning I was so blinded by the shine I forgot my camera. I guess I have to shine my sink now every night, this flying bitch is already asking a little much...
• I don't even watch Dancing with the Stars but I caught the very end last night before LOST and could Kate without her 8 of had a more sour puss look on her face? What more does this chick want from life...your ex-husband is a confirmed douche bag - bonus for you, you popped out 8 kids and someone hooked you up with lypo - that's another bonus and you make millions by placing sticky notes all over your house and demoralizing your partner - triple bonus.
• On another note what has happened to 90210 Brenda's face? I bet those witches from Charmed cast a spell on her!!! Karma at work...
• I'm still miserably failing at my work's weight loss challenge so I ate a Asiago Cheese bagel to make myself feel better.
• I'm thinking about changing my blog's name...
• JUST IN - I have received a short term disability claim for an employee and the attending physician's name is Seymour Wiener.

I feel lighter already...this purging thing really does work!

Fondly ~ SumSum

The good ol' days...

This is an e-mail I came across today in one of my archive folders (I would like to take a moment and thank God for the ability to archive e-mail as it has saved me numerous times ~ personally and professionally) and it made me laugh so I thought I'd share...
If you are reading it and it sounds very familiar it was probably to you!

4/8/2009
Funny story…wait, disclaimer before funny story – I love my mother in law aka Mumma Sal and she does a lot of great things for us but that still does not change the fact that she might be a little off her rocker…okay, funny story – when Ryser was born he had a blocked tear duct and his eye would get super dry and crusty. Since this was my first baby I did what every other new mom does and blew it out of proportion and constantly worried about it and him going blind and other ridiculousness. I was talking to Mumma Sal about it and she told me to squirt breast milk in it. Yes, you read that right ~ take my boob, aim my nipple in my newborn son’s eye and squirt breast milk in it. You want to know what is even more crazy?? After Todd and I talked about it and tried to confirm if his mom is on a one way trip to nutsville – WE DID IT!!!! I did not take aim to my son’s face with my boobie but I did squirt a little in my medela cup and Todd took a dropper and put some in his eye. All of a sudden Ryser started singing and dancing and stars filled our living room…okay that didn't happen but according to my MIL breast milk can cure cancer so I don’t know if we were expecting that or what. Anyway, we did it – we felt weird about it – it didn’t cure his blocked tear duct, only time did that – and we never did it again. We also promised each other that any advice that was given to us by anyone (but mainly parents) that had to be discussed for any length of time probably wasn’t for us.

See? Wasn't that totally worthy of a blog post? Now, sit very still because my boob milk might get rid of that zit on your forehead...

Fondly~ SumSum

My absence explained...

I am about to share what quite possibly could be one of the worst days ever. So, if you think you are having a bad day you can read this post and say to yourself, "nope, definitely not as bad of a day as SumSum had on February 3, 2010" because on that day...
I SHIT MY PANTS!
You are laughing and perhaps crying and you think I might be lying but unfortunately I am not! Here is exactly what went down or in my case out...
Huddy Bear went on a puking and crapping extravaganza the beginning of the week. I was naive to think that it was just something he ate and would be a simple 24 hour bug and we would move on with our lives. This is when I'm reminded that my life sucks and it was a full fledged stomach flu (special thanks to the flu shot that apparently does nothing). I make my sweet baby boy a doctor's appointment and we head off on that fateful winter day on February 3, 2010.
I grab a primo parking spot at the pediatricians office (YES!) and get out of the vehicle to remove my precious cargo when I let out what I perceived to be just a little toot. This is when I'm reminded AGAIN that my life sucks and that toot had a little something extra, it was a stage 5 shart (shit + fart for those who are unfamiliar with the term). OH NO!!! What am I going to do?? I have a sick child crapping and puking, who had not urinated all night long, I have a front row parking spot and a doctor's appointment in 0.2 seconds. So, I take off my coat and wrap it around my waist and hope for the best...the best being it has not seeped through my jeans. I walk into the doctor's office with what feels like a massive, hot pink neon sign over my head flashing "POOPY PANTS" and announce our arrival to the front desk gal.
I am sure I was walking like a person who had been horse back riding for 17 days prior to our doctor's appointment because in case you have forgotten, I have shit in my pants.
Huddy and I make a B-line for the very public, pediatrician's office restroom so I can assess the damage. I am removing my jeans - thank goodness, no liquid brown stain and then I remove my underpants (I would call them panties but let's be real, they are covered in diarrhea and there is no need for sexy undergarment terms at this juncture) and it looks as if small children have used them to strain out their sand castle mud pies. I just keep saying over and over to Huddy Bear, who at the same time I have been trying to prevent from touching anything in this restroom, that this is quite possibly the worst day ever. I take my, now brown, underpants and wrap them up with toilet paper as you would a maxi pad and throw them away. I severely wipe my bum raw with baby wipes, wash my hands in scalding hot water and then douse both myself and Huddy with anti-bacterial (and I guess I was hoping anti-shitting) lotion. I emerge from the restroom and now my hot pink neon sign is flashing "I'M NOT WEARING ANY UNDERWEAR" with a smaller sentence underneath "because I just shit in them".
So there I sat with my sweet, sick child who had truly no idea how disgusted he should be with me as I'm sweating bullets and clenching my butt cheeks together...worst day ever!

Fondly ~ SumSum

T.O.M.

Ahh and so it is explained...my ability to hear dead people, the emotions that have ensued from said experience and then my morning of anger/tears with a side of cramping is a sure tell that Aunt Flo is coming to visit. What? You haven't been chomping at the bit to know my menstrual cycle? That's not what I heard...

Anyway, to all you lasses that have a period on the same day every month without fail for a few short days and then are able to move on with life...screw you. My little friend comes whenever it wants and sticks around for however long it sees fit (weeks people, freakin' weeks). It's kind of like my toddlers, it irritates and pokes at me and takes me just to the point where I might lose my mind and then it backs off. They all come from the same place so isn't the connection ironic? This misery is all thanks to an alien implant I have in my arm to keep babies away. Sorry Catholics! Let me just tell you...I'm about ready to go to the ol' trusty pull out method and we know how well that works.

Exhibit A (that's a brand new Huddy Bear who will have his own post someday when he takes a break from eating)


I still stand by the fact that sweet baby was conceived through my belly button. Yes, it was a miracle! I also blame a dear friend of mine that "accidentally" got pregnant around the same time. You know how your cycle sometimes starts to copy someone that you are spending a lot of time with? Well I think that happened to me only my body decided instead to copy her fertility. Thanks a lot, and yes I'm talking to you Myers! That's why we can't hang out anymore...

Fondly ~ SumSum