I am about to share what quite possibly could be one of the worst days ever. So, if you think you are having a bad day you can read this post and say to yourself, "nope, definitely not as bad of a day as SumSum had on February 3, 2010" because on that day...
I SHIT MY PANTS!
You are laughing and perhaps crying and you think I might be lying but unfortunately I am not! Here is exactly what went down or in my case out...
Huddy Bear went on a puking and crapping extravaganza the beginning of the week. I was naive to think that it was just something he ate and would be a simple 24 hour bug and we would move on with our lives. This is when I'm reminded that my life sucks and it was a full fledged stomach flu (special thanks to the flu shot that apparently does nothing). I make my sweet baby boy a doctor's appointment and we head off on that fateful winter day on February 3, 2010.
I grab a primo parking spot at the pediatricians office (YES!) and get out of the vehicle to remove my precious cargo when I let out what I perceived to be just a little toot. This is when I'm reminded AGAIN that my life sucks and that toot had a little something extra, it was a stage 5 shart (shit + fart for those who are unfamiliar with the term). OH NO!!! What am I going to do?? I have a sick child crapping and puking, who had not urinated all night long, I have a front row parking spot and a doctor's appointment in 0.2 seconds. So, I take off my coat and wrap it around my waist and hope for the best...the best being it has not seeped through my jeans. I walk into the doctor's office with what feels like a massive, hot pink neon sign over my head flashing "POOPY PANTS" and announce our arrival to the front desk gal.
I am sure I was walking like a person who had been horse back riding for 17 days prior to our doctor's appointment because in case you have forgotten, I have shit in my pants.
Huddy and I make a B-line for the very public, pediatrician's office restroom so I can assess the damage. I am removing my jeans - thank goodness, no liquid brown stain and then I remove my underpants (I would call them panties but let's be real, they are covered in diarrhea and there is no need for sexy undergarment terms at this juncture) and it looks as if small children have used them to strain out their sand castle mud pies. I just keep saying over and over to Huddy Bear, who at the same time I have been trying to prevent from touching anything in this restroom, that this is quite possibly the worst day ever. I take my, now brown, underpants and wrap them up with toilet paper as you would a maxi pad and throw them away. I severely wipe my bum raw with baby wipes, wash my hands in scalding hot water and then douse both myself and Huddy with anti-bacterial (and I guess I was hoping anti-shitting) lotion. I emerge from the restroom and now my hot pink neon sign is flashing "I'M NOT WEARING ANY UNDERWEAR" with a smaller sentence underneath "because I just shit in them".
So there I sat with my sweet, sick child who had truly no idea how disgusted he should be with me as I'm sweating bullets and clenching my butt cheeks together...worst day ever!
Fondly ~ SumSum