Today's Special!

TODAY'S SPECIAL ~ Crazy with a shot of More Crazy


is it awkward...yes, now it is.

I was sitting, lying, passing out on the couch last night watching the Real World...I've been hooked since Andre, Becky, Eric, Heather B, Julie, Kevin, Norman...that's the cast of season one from 1992 for all you baybay's who follow.  Anyway I digress, during the commercial break a PSA of sorts comes on with a group of gals traveling around the country to talk to "famous and normal girls just like us about their periods"...What do we need to talk about?  Are periods uncomfortable to talk about?  Do gals exist that really don't know you can run and jump and even swim (GASP!) while wearing a tampon? 

How about I sum it up for everyone here...feel free to print this out and share with your daughters.

At some point you will start to hemorrhage from your vagina.  When it first happens you will freak out, your mom might cry and then your grandma will give you a card welcoming you to womanhood and all of your aunts will look at you with their head tilted to the side wearing a sympathetic smile. 

You will be frightened at the thought of shoving a cotton swab attached to a string in a place that only pee comes out and will resort to wearing a pad, be thankful it's no longer connected to a belt or something you wash and have to reuse.  Sooner or later though you'll be invited to a pool party during that blessed week (or two) and you'll have to go ahead and insert that cardboard applicator.  Don't worry, there are awesome pictorial instructions included in each Tampax box.  Plus, if your mom isn't a menopausal bitch by this point she can break it down in real talk. 

NO, the tampon will not break your hymen...the senior that takes you to prom as a freshman will definitely try though.  It's not embarrassing or weird but it is a tremendous pain in the ass (NOTE-the tampon does not go in your ass...exit only you freak!) and comes at the worst times.  Please, please, please shower every day (if you don't regularly) while you are menstruating (aka on your period, ragging, aunt flo is visiting, T.O.M., bleeding like a stuck pig that just won't die...okay I made that last one up).  Another good tip for once your sexually active is you might want to take that tampon out before you get busy and if you are too embarrassed to tell the dude your boning that you have a tampon in then might I suggest you keep practicing abstinence darlin'.  In addition, if you don't take my advice and ride that pony with your bloody cork don't ask your friend to try and find it with a flashlight the next day...M Kay?

So, there you have it MTV...looks like I've successfully handled the awkward period topic so let's move on to more pressing topics like how not to look like a 20 year old slut when you are 14. 


  1. BWAHAHHA!!! And that is why.....we had BOYS!!!

  2. thank you for reminding me why i hate that bloody disasterous time of the month. might i suggest you also include: giant bloated spare tire that inflates to three times its normal size, preventing you from wearing anything NOT purchased in the maternity section of Target... asshole explosions that could blow the lid off off a manhole... and mood swings that make Mommy Dearest seem like Mother Theresa.

  3. I JUST had this talk (albeit somewhat more filtered) with my daughter who is 18 and refuses to use a tampon.

    The face she makes when contemplating reminds me SO much of me at 14.

    I started wearing tampons because I felt like people could tell I was wearing a pad when they walked behind me between classes.

    Paranoia ruled the day, and so I made use of the plug.

  4. hmmm...I was just sitting here thinking the same thing!

  5. Additionally if you choose to look like a 20 year old slut at age 14, do not get mad or grossed out when old guys start leering at you.

  6. "shoving a cotton swab attached to a string in a place that only pee comes out and will resort to wearing a pad"

    muahaha hilarious