That's a shame...

I am approaching the deadline to get my alien implant removed that prevents unwanted tax deductions and I'm really struggling with my next move here.  I have two kids of the male variety.  I am pretty sure I'm done unleashing Satan's spawn out into the world but the dream of a daughter causes pause... 

I think I would like a girl.  A sweet, pretty, organized, quiet, no bone breaking or hitting or kicking or biting or wrestling, pig tail wearing, innocent little girl to cuddle, and play dress up or put puzzles together without mass destruction of said puzzle upon completion.  I want to decorate a little shabby chic nursery and shop for frilly tutu's that she would wear with outrageous colored leggings.  I want to have her grow up and we talk about everything and be very best friends forever and ever and ever!!!

There is one problem with this fantasy...I will be her mother!

She will probably arrive in this world looking a little like Joe Dirt screaming obscenities and already wearing cut off flannels.  She will pull my hair and spit at me while we grocery shop and even the mention of cuddling will send her into a fit of rage that even my boys will cower away from.  Her nursery will be a stone gray and the only song that will calm her epic cries will be Cop Killer by Ice T.  She will request a black trench coat from Santa that she playfully refers to as Satan and play Mortal Combat religiously by the age of 3.  She will grow up blaming me for whatever comatose state she has herself in at that time and I will continuously ask myself, "What did I do so wrong?"

Better go buy a bag of frozen peas because T-daddy is getting his Scrotum chopped up PRONTO!  Phew, thanks for helping me with that one...