Blind item...it's about poop!

I have been thinking since I heard this story how I was going to write about it and not completely humiliate the subject matter...hence, we have the blind item.  I know this person, hell you might know this person but we aren't going to worry too much with the who, just the what and the how and where we are now...it is not me, please if it were I would totally own it because I live for self degradation.
Picture this, you are in a desolate forest and it is hot...sweat dripping down your crack hot and all of a sudden you feel that gurgle in your gut that says, "Hi, I'm in your guts now but in 2.2 seconds I will travel through your intestine and out your bung hole...ready, set, GO!"  You start making your way back to your vehicle in a butt clenching trot hoping to drive to the nearest Johnny on the Spotty (you're an optimist) when it becomes very, VERY apparent that you need to pooh and you need to do it NOW!  You rummage through your floor boards looking for anything to handle what is about to escape...used napkins, a random sock from who knows when, a lone baby wipe now dried of it's previous moist state...ANYTHING!  You rush into the weeds, hidden from society, and you let it all go.  It's just you, a dried baby wipe and the Hershey squirts...and what happens the next day when you wake up?
You have poison ivy...because Mother Nature is a bitch!

Conversation with someone who cares:

You (but not really you, come on people let's follow along) - I had to go, there was nothing I could do!

Me (really me, I'm the one that cares) - So you crapped in their yard?

You - Yes, but I was miles away from civilization.  No one will ever know what went down there...

Me - Did you lean up against a tree?

You - No, just got one hell of a thigh work out.

Me - Yeah, I noticed your thighs were looking pretty tone
You - ...and that's how I got poison ivy.
Me - when your bum starts a seepin' poison ivy comes a'creepin' arou-ou-ou-ou-ou-ound