Copy cat blogger...

I've noticed there is a rash of blogs where people tell a little about themselves and what made them the way they are today...considering my favorite topic happens to be me and whatever conversation you are having I eventually circle back to me (it's a gift really) I am going to totally copy because originality is exhausting.

Please do not confuse copy cat blogger with copy cat killer, even though Ted Bundy had some really good ideas...

My dad stuck his shaft in a popcorn box at the drive-in back in the 70's and my mom fell madly in love.  They were married after my dad un-married his first wife (kinda blew it with that chain of events dad)...they did the horizontal tango and this happened...

I became more and more adorable...

I discovered boys and one chap in particular immediately knew I was going places...

I also discovered alcohol, Felix the Cat, Children's Gardens, Candy Kids and a little group lovingly referred to as The Friday Night Posse...memories were made, brain cells were fried.

This was also when Scummer emerged...my co-pilot who takes the wheel when I'm not going to remember anything the next morning.  Many have met her but often times you don't know until it's too late.  She bites and she wrestles and she talks too loud and stands way too close.  I have a soft spot in my heart for her but my husband does not...mainly because when she shows up it means at the end of the night he will be carrying dead weight from the vehicle to the bed.

Oops, skipping ahead...remember that dude who stalked me in high school...err, I mean, knew I was going places...well, we got hitched.  After one engagement fail and a "break" I tricked him into believing that I would be the best thing that would ever happen to him...SUCKER!

He knocked me up...not once, but twice...

If it looks painful, it's because it was...I had one child rip his way out of my vagina (4th degree tear, 100 stitches and the doctor actually mentioned at one point he was rebuilding my sphincter) and the other was surgically removed from my gut....They are wild, in every sense of the word, and definitely all mine my husbands.

 

I love my girls...

I love beer...

I love boys who dress as girls...

I love supporting chicks through medical school...one dollar at a time...

I love The Hoff...

I love being AWESOME...

and ranting...

and most of all I LOVE LOVE LOVE the Craziness that is MY LIFE...most days, some days, today, at the time I wrote this post...

Thanks for being a part of it!  For that, YOU ARE AWESOME!

WT"f" book...and other birthday ridiculousness

We had a birthday bash this past weekend and as I was torching my home and rebuilding it so all my guests would think I was super organized and clean my mom and I came across this in my son's room... 

Not appropriate Scholastic...but look at how excited my mom is about it!  They were really off on the age range for this book.

We had a water slide at the birthday bash and it didn't take long before some freak nasty adults decided to take the plunge.  Beer may or may not have been involved...it was a kid party isn't booze a necessity???

Yes, one of those freaks is me and yes, we are holding hands as we slippety doo dah down to the pool of death (it was scary) and no, children were not harmed or completely mortified during this debacle...at least that is what we are telling ourselves.

It was a good party, my body still hurts from all the good that went down...and apparently my husband and I need to have a talk...

Blind item...it's about poop!

I have been thinking since I heard this story how I was going to write about it and not completely humiliate the subject matter...hence, we have the blind item.  I know this person, hell you might know this person but we aren't going to worry too much with the who, just the what and the how and where we are now...it is not me, please if it were I would totally own it because I live for self degradation.
Picture this, you are in a desolate forest and it is hot...sweat dripping down your crack hot and all of a sudden you feel that gurgle in your gut that says, "Hi, I'm in your guts now but in 2.2 seconds I will travel through your intestine and out your bung hole...ready, set, GO!"  You start making your way back to your vehicle in a butt clenching trot hoping to drive to the nearest Johnny on the Spotty (you're an optimist) when it becomes very, VERY apparent that you need to pooh and you need to do it NOW!  You rummage through your floor boards looking for anything to handle what is about to escape...used napkins, a random sock from who knows when, a lone baby wipe now dried of it's previous moist state...ANYTHING!  You rush into the weeds, hidden from society, and you let it all go.  It's just you, a dried baby wipe and the Hershey squirts...and what happens the next day when you wake up?
You have poison ivy...because Mother Nature is a bitch!

Conversation with someone who cares:

You (but not really you, come on people let's follow along) - I had to go, there was nothing I could do!

Me (really me, I'm the one that cares) - So you crapped in their yard?

You - Yes, but I was miles away from civilization.  No one will ever know what went down there...

Me - Did you lean up against a tree?

You - No, just got one hell of a thigh work out.

Me - Yeah, I noticed your thighs were looking pretty tone
You - ...and that's how I got poison ivy.
Me - when your bum starts a seepin' poison ivy comes a'creepin' arou-ou-ou-ou-ou-ound

I would like to thank my mom for having bi-polar disorder...

I won something freak nasty followers!!!!  Look at me!  I SAID LOOK AT ME!!! (clapping and jumping up and down in excitement but careful not to give myself a black eye Dolly Parton style)!  I have been waiting months for someone in blog land and not related or who I am paying for friendship to say, "Hey SumSum, I noticed you and you're kind of funny...you must have some sort of mood disorder"  and guess what?  Somebody freakin' did!

To check out who currently is in the lead as the President (& also a client) of my FAN CLUB, go here:
http://www.likeshessomebody.com/2010/07/frisky-feedback-friday-winners.html

All you other bitches better step up your game and tell me how awesome I am quick or it is OVER...well, not really, but let's just pretend I am really serious. 

I can help get you started.  SumSum is awesome because...(you fill in the rest!)

Don't hate the playa...

I love playing games...mind games, make believe games, pretending I like you when I think you are a total bitch because we work together and I can't tell you to go eff yourself because I don't have another job yet games and now...blogger games.  This one comes from two gals who are funny and more importantly like to drink. 
I tell you three things, two of which are the truth and one is a lie.  You have to guess what is a lie and I tell you which is which next Thursday and you can win a BIG PRIZE!  Big Prize = A signed picture of me.  See?  Isn't this going to be FUN!?! 
This is going to be rather difficult as I am pretty sure there are some of you reading that have thoroughly dissected all of the skeletons in my closet and also the fact that I am terrible at keeping my own secrets.  Here we go...

1. I don't "hate" anyone because "hate is murder in the heart"
2. I have never murdered anyone with my bare hands
3. I can't stand that people read my blog and don't sign up as a follower and therefore I am only at 20 something people in my blogger fan club.  Newsflash people ~ popularity contests didn't end in high school!

Random Tuesday - You smell like rum...

While driving out to our date night I noticed a cloud that looked just like an alligator so I got excited and said, "oh Todd, look an alligator".  He saw it as well and responded, "and you aren't even on drugs..." I am not sure as I am typing that today really how to take that because I haven't done drugs in like a week...kidding family members who read this, it's been more like two weeks and they were all prescribed by a doctor to someone.

The family went to the Expo this weekend (it's a carnival where the freaks come out and not just at night)... Ryser and I decided to ride this haunted house suicidal crate thing that ended up breaking down right in the middle of the ride in the pitch dark.  Ryser starts whispering, "mumma, let's get outa here..."  Then Crazy Carnie finally emerges and starts to push us out into the light.  The whole time he is moaning and making these awful orgasm noises right at the back of my neck with his cheap rum skank breath enveloping me and my innocent son...I am giggling and keep asking, "do you want us to just walk out?"..."are you sure you don't want us to get out?"..."please for the love of God I'm getting drunk from your breath"..."LET ME OFF THIS F'G RIDE!!!!"  That last part wasn't said because I don't say F'G in front of my son (on purpose) but none the less he finally released us and we walked out and then Ryser and I got cotton candy to forget about that horrendous experience.  Lesson ~ Drunk Orgasmic Carnies are easily forgotten with Fairy Floss...

Right after we ate our cotton candy we went to let the boys ride on this train and the toothless ticket taker said it was off the track...Todd then looked at me and said that if two things are broken it might be a good sign that this isn't the safest family outing...the boys were upset at first until we went through Dairy Queen.  That's how we handle family crisis...eat it Dobson!

4th meal...

If it's 2:25am and you are ordering 8 different menu items at Taco Bell while your spouse is passed out in the passenger seat it probably means 1) you're fat, 2) you must need to crap, 3) you should not be driving.  If it's 8:30am that next morning and upon entering the vehicle in which you had the slop fest it smells like Mexico (not the tourist sections) and you locate 3 of the listed 4 soft tacos in the side door and under your seat it probably means 1) you weren't really that hungry to order almost $15 dollars worth of refried bean, 2) you have diarrhea because you did eat the 5 other items listed and 3) you have given up booze once again until the next time you rope your parent and in laws into an overnight visit with your boys.
Might I add that I had never eaten a Mexican Pizza or a Quesadilla from Taco Bell before this caloric debacle.  Might I also add that I didn't want a freakin' Chicken Soft Taco, I wanted a Chicken Grilled Stufft Burrito and that was all I was supposed to order and then, well, 8 completely different items happened.  That must be how Kate Gosselin felt...

Hugs at work...

I'm a hugger, habitual if you will...I specifically like touching and hugging people that I know hate to be touched or hugged.  I have a certain WOF (work only friend) that cringes every time I rub her arm which makes me want to touch her even more.  So I invented B.O.B (boob on boob action).  This is the most obscene, unprofessional, and awkward hug you can give someone at work.  The next time one of your own WOF's start to complain that they are overworked, underpaid, underappreciated and hate their boss ask them if they need B.O.B.  They will then ask, "what's B.O.B.?"   Don't you dare tell them...just introduce them accordingly.  Walk over to your WOF, go in for a proper hug making sure your boobs are directly on top of their boobs and squeeze.  I like to also add a swivel motion, really grinding my boobs into their boobs.  Most people upon their first B.O.B. experience will shove you away in embarrassment and disgust but believe me they'll come back for more...they always do.  Just today, my WOF shared with me that they had to put their dog down over the holiday weekend and of course I gave her the longest, hardest B.O.B. I could.  She said, "Okay, that's enough" several times but I don't let go until I feel it's enough.  In fact, the next time I see you, I am going to B.O.B. you so hard it will make your head explode.
Until then...