We bowl with newlyweds...they were both married to complete assholes, divorced and have since found and married each other. They are in crazy love and having come from previous relationships where there was no romance whatsoever are making up for lost time. Their love and lust for each other has never bugged me before but then again I have never given up drinking for Lent before so probably by the time they start really loving each other I am piss drunk and motor boating a stranger (yeah, I've been known to do that). Anyway, this past Saturday the topic of sex came up and of course they have sex ALL THE TIME. My husband slinks in his chair and sulks as the topic is shared among the couples of sex, how much is normal/abnormal, who has to beg, who doesn't, blah, blah, blah...I keep silent because at this point it appears that everyone is screwing the hell out of each other and I am the wicked barren witch of the East who never gives my husband any play.
After that night I started feeling really guilty and thinking about when sex slowed down for us and why I'm in sex craze remission because at one time I was quite the fornicating freak show. That guilt didn't last long however because I started remembering things like this...
• The year is 1994...I let my boyfriend (who is now my husband) talk me into playing a game, just the tip...from that point forward there wasn't a place we didn't have sex...garages, golf courses, school buses, stranger's bathrooms, offices, driveways...the list goes on and that kind of variety lasted through 2004 which was the year of our marriage. I'd say that was a pretty good fucking run and I should kind of be off the hook for the rest of my life.
• The year is 2006...I gained 80 pounds over the course of 10 months and then had a human being rip out of my puss and asshole. Yes, my puss AND asshole...that does happen and they refer to it with a cute little term "4th degree tear". To give you an idea of what that might be like...for a short time in my life, as in 45 minutes after delivery, I had no taint. I'll give you a moment to fully absorb that.
• Year 2008...Another 60 pounds and this time a human gets surgically removed from my gut. This little peanut wasn't planned and I thoroughly followed the pullout method that got me through my entire high school/college career. We spent a good portion of his first days in NICU because he had wet lung. Before they sent us home they hooked him to a breathing machine and taught us CPR on a plastic baby because he was having a hard time breathing on his own. So, in addition to making sure my two year old already at home didn’t smother him I also had to make sure that if the louder than a fire alarm machine went off at any time of the night I was ready to push, push, push, breathe while I also tried to call an ambulance (thankfully that was never necessary but my oldest may have tried to smother him...that came later though).
So, just with those few bullets I think it is apparent that I am exhausted and my pussy is deformed...I think, I can't really get a good look at it anymore because my gut could be categorized as a gunt (I'll let you look that one up) which I thoroughly believe is because when they released the second human from my bikini line and replaced my intestines they put them in the wrong spots. Not to mention for a good romp session nowadays I need to have shaved which is hit or miss and the boys need to be sleeping which is also hit or miss and I need my pocket rocket that died somewhere between 2006 and 2008 and I don’t feel like brushing my teeth on the weekends just to run up to the sex shop and get a new one. So, to any of you that are on the fuck friendly roller coaster of life...GOOD FOR YOU! Keep that shit to yourself though because I paid my dues in the 90's and now you've required me to perform an out of the ordinary screw that I was planning on breaking out before I got my hair done!