Tuesday can suck a big fat...

It's already Tuesday...hmm, one week closer to death or if you're the positive type another day to live life to the fullest (barf).

I was told back in middle school by a very trusting OUIJA board that I would die at 19 in a car accident.  I guess I got one over on Satan because I'm still busting a move in my early 30's...come and get me Lucifer.  Something doesn't feel right about taunting the devil...WWJD? 

Well, in addition to deflated boobs, rippled belly and peeing a little every time I jump on the trampoline after my two pregnancies I have acquired allergies.  I don't know if being pregnant can create allergies but I am going to blame it on my spawn.  Those little bastards!  My nose is leaking like a broken faucet, I've been sneezing 7 to 10 times a day, and my eyes are itchy and watery.  I feel like a freakin' Claritan commercial.  Uggh, I want my pre-baby self back only let me keep the babies...although I do pump my fist in aggravation at the things they do driving me to break down and ask the doctor for xanex, I do love the little buggers and think they are awesome!  Someday, Ryser and Hudson, when you  are reading this that should make your heart smile.  You're welcome!

I'm wondering if I buy running shoes I will actually start running...I'll keep asking myself that knowing I will never buy running shoes so I will never start running. 

Back to the trampoline...I used to rock the trampoline in my youth and my boys just recently got a trampoline so I finally got on and gave it a whirl.  My insides felt as if they were literally going to just fall out of my vagina with each jump.  Also, as previously mentioned, I pee myself a little here and there.  AWESOME!  I'm doing my kegels right now.

Fondly ~ SumSum

The fungus is among us...Random Tuesday

So, my eye started to itch and leak something fierce yesterday but I didn't think too much of it...I'm dealing with unexplained fevers and being sexually harrased by pediatricians so I don't have time to worry about my oozing cornea. Anyway, I get home and my super concerned and caring husband blasts me as having the plaque and insists I go to the after hours clinic. Great, I'm still scrubbing myself in the shower from the last doctor visit...make my usual long story short I don't have pink eye but it does appear I have a virus in my eye. Yeah, I'll let you rehash that for a minute because if I have a virus in my eye isn't it pink eye???


This picture is kind of like that movie The Ring, now that you've seen it you will have pink eye in 7 days...

That's as random as I can get today because I need to get back to feeling sorry for myself for having pink eye - CORRECTION - a virus in my eye...

Fondly ~ SumSum

House calls are for perverts (aka I miss house calls)...

So, Ryser ends up coming down with the "unexplained fever" last week that Hudson had the week before but Ryser's lingered without explanation for over four days. So, I called the pediatrician's office and asked the nurse the dreaded, "Should I bring him in?" question so she could reply, "Yes" and I would then have to stop off at the nearest chug and choke corner to make a few extra bucks to afford the copay. Just kidding, I had money left over from amateur night from the T&A showbar. Do you really think I'd roll a couple of johns while my sick, feverish son was watching TMNT in the back seat of the MOMtana. Give me some mf'g credit people.
Anyway, I leave work early and take Ry to the doctor because according to the on call nurse a fever that lasts that long must have turned into a sinus infection. I'm thinking we would walk out of there with some antibiotics and get on with our lives and all would be right with the world again. However, this happened to be the day that Dr. Feelgood was on staff and he was not concerned with making anyone other than himself feel alright.
He talked the entire time in baby talk, to me and to my son. He says, "eaws awe cwean, nose is cwean, throat wooks good...nope, no big bad sinus infection just a weally bad head cold...YUK". Well, I'm pissed because I want to load my kid up on antibiotics and so I ask if we just continue on with the Motrin and Tylenol but not Motrin and Tylenol because they have been recalled again and that is when he rolls his mobile bar stool type seat over to my chair and places his hand on my thigh...my sweet, creamy, very virginal if I were a virgin thigh. I can't tell you what he said after that moment because I was too busy having this conversation in my head...

"Why didn't I flinch when he put his hand on my thigh?"
"Did I flinch?"
"Should he have his hand there?"
"How long is he going to keep his hand there?"
"OMG am I being assaulted?"
"Will they be waiving my copay?"

Fondly ~ SumSum

Stupid Giraffe...Random Tuesday

I hate the turtle...this animal has already cost more of my time than most humans. I feed it, turn the heating light on and off and fill the water when it gets low. The other day, I was replacing the water with a cup I use for the boys bath and all of a sudden I noticed a film on the top of his water (remnants of no tear shampoo...oops). At first I was going to blame BP and just go on with my life but I couldn't fucking do it!!! So here I am at 6am, when people like Snoop Dog have bitches in the living room gettin' it on, cleaning out the damn fish tank. I want the turtle dead but it can't be by my own hands...I need to let the boys play with it more, perhaps while balancing over sulfuric acid.

Hudson spent most of last week battling an "unexplained fever" because doctor's go to school for all those years and make all that money to give you that kind of diagnosis. I can't wait to pay the bill for that office call. Anyway, so the boys spent a lot of time with grandma and grandpa so I could still bring home the bacon. Ryser comes home on Friday with a gash between his eyes that grandma so nonchalantly referred to as a paper cut. I ask, "Ryser, how did you get that boo boo on your head?" He isn't familiar with the term gash yet...and he responds, "Beau threw a stupid giraffe and hit me in the stupid head" I correct him and explain that his head isn't stupid but high five on the correlation between stupidity and giraffes. Have you ever seen a giraffe do a trick? Exactly...I'm basically raising a genius!

Shirts that cost under $20 should not have dry clean only as a care instruction. You should also not wash said shirt if you liked the way it looked upon purchasing it.

A point to support my "Stupid Giraffe" movement:
- Lions and large packs of hyenas, are the giraffe's enemies.
- A lion can die if kicked by a giraffe.
If a Lion can die by being kicked by a Giraffe then why would it be listed as one of it's enemies? Because Giraffes are stupid...

..and apparently, much like us women, love screwing an ass...POW! I'll be here all night.

Fondly ~ SumSum

My week wrapped in one sentence...kinda

I put my underwears on inside out today even after making very sure in the dark that they were not inside out.

How stupid I am - they are the silky kind** where it should be very evident that they are inside out.
How even more stupid - I didn't notice the first time I went to the bathroom.
How awesome I am - I left them that way...

Fondly ~ SumSum

**silky does not equal sexy! I don't mess around with sexy underwears because I am happily married.

P.S. I also forgot to put on deodorant but the title is my week in one sentence and I didn't want to blow it.