I should have known better...

I've spent the greater part of today looking for a really good picture of Thing 1 and/or Thing 2 from the Cat in The Hat movie because I am quite certain their look for that flick was based off this guy...

These type of posts are what happens when someone gives up facebook and booze for Lent...

Usually an absence like this involves a shit story...

I don't have a good excuse...My dog ate my blogger password?  I've gone blind (no, not from masturbation...who has time for that)?  My place of employment decided the QWERTY style keyboards were for cave men and switched the location of every key and now when I want to type "awesome" it results in "fartpop"? 

None of these are true (for you slow readers..) I just haven't felt the writing fire.  Sure some interesting things have happened that I should have purged on to this page, errr, screen like...

• I was told in front of my husband that I have great boobs and then being asked if I was married at which point I nod to my husband who is standing right next to me.  To be honest, the girls aren't all that great, just big...additionally my husband really could have cared less, mostly because he sees how not great they are.
• We were invited as a couple by same dude who really likes my boobs to join him, his wife and a another random group of folks to a place they call "fun town"
• This brought back memories of my honeymoon where my husband and I were propositioned by a couple who were really deep in the swinger community, we declined (sorry to let any freaks down but it was our honeymoon for goodness sakes) and the guy gave us his business card in case we changed our mind...they conveniently live a few hours away from our hometown even though we met them in Mexico...this story is much better actually but maybe for another time.
• I came in dead last at our latest weight loss challenge at work, DEAD fucking LAST!  I even ended with a negative percentage which means I closed out the competition at a higher weight then what I started...I've never been very competitive plus I really love bagels.
• My new year has not gone without shit, literally, my oldest son shat all over my cream carpet...it was a very interesting mix of diarrhea and mushy rabbit pellets and quite possibly the most shit I have ever seen released from a human being.  The kind that as you tried to wipe it up it just spread more and more around the cream carpet, did I mention the carpet color is cream? 
• As I'm dumping bleach basically on said shit stain my son stands there in amazement asking various questions, "Am I sick?  How does all that poop come out of my butt?  What is that sound your throat is making Mom?"  Umm, yes you are sick...I asked that same question myself...the sound is me gagging and trying not to add puke to the monstrous pile of crap.
• This same son also broke a bone...we are currently living that hell as he needs to wear a cast from hand to bicep for the next six weeks.  I have started drinking...more.
• My place of employ has cut us off from facebook and all other social networking sites which is the best thing to happen to my career...I have decided since to give up facebook for Lent because I think it's what Jesus would do.
• Look everyone I'm blogging, shove that up your ass network administrator!!!  I am quite certain after that I will be blocked from this site on Monday.

That's a small snippet of life since the last time I let you peek into my crazy, fabulous, psychotic, awesome rack world.  I hope that there are people out there that still like me...and enjoy reading.

Until next time I'll leave you with one of my fat girl thoughts, "You have stopped yourself from eating all of the 3rd piece of pizza you've taken at the work party because you truly can't fit another pepperoni into your gut when you realize there is still creamy romano dressing pooling at the bottom of your salad bowl so you take a sliver of french bread to soak it up and eat it"

That is reason number 572 that I came in dead last to the weight loss challenge.  I should be more depressed about it but I really could give a flying fuck...or a standing very still and calm fuck for that matter.

X, O & Donut Holes...
SumSum

Are you trying to tell me something...

There was a time in my life when I had certain underwears that were specifically worn during my period.  The point of that being I didn't want to goop up my hot little numbers that would be ripped off during steamy bouts of fornication.  The point of that back story is there was a time in my life when I was particular about panties but that time is loooooooooong gone darlin'.  In fact, any pair of underwear are fair play at anytime regardless of what may or may not be coming out of my va-jay-jay. 
That being said, over the holiday break our dryer took a shit.  My mom and my mother in law, the saints they are, jumped at the chance reluctantly offered to help do our laundry.  Now, I am no fool and I hate doing laundry so I was all like, "hellz yeah, I'll drop it off now" and they were all like, "shit fo sho foo"...well, it was more like, "yes, bring it but you DO need to get your dryer fixed"...mmm hmm, I'll get right on that.  Are you completely confused with where I am going here...wait for it because climax happens in...
5:
On Christmas Eve I reach into a stocking at my mom's house...
4:
In front of my own family, my brother and his family...
3:
On Christmas Day I unwrap a box beautifully adorned in bows and lace at my in laws house...
2:
In front of my own family and ALL of my in-laws to find on both occasions...
1:
A 5 pack of Hanes cotton hipsters.

Blog Nog

In the spirit of Christmas I wanted to write a little diddy about what I believe gets most people through the holidays...not me though, definitely not me...

To the tune of Jingle Bells (ahem, that's me clearing my throat)

Rushing to the booze
It's the smartest thing to do
Because pretty soon your drunkest aunt
Will begin to molest you

Everyone points and laughs
As she starts to rub your ass
It's much too late to realize
That half xanex won't last

You exit in a rush
Give the door a heavy push
In hopes your pie eyed cousin
Has broken up purple kush

Ohhhhh...
Booze and pills, booze and pills
Wrapped left handers too
Getting through the holidays
Do what you gotta do

(bows to applause...thank you, thank you)

Happy Holidays blogging buddies!  "Just say No" and let's hope 2011 brings me some better material...
<3 ~ SumSum

This will only hurt for a second...

I apologize for my absence...I'm super duper busy at work and that is when I blog...I'm extremely productive!  Want to hire me?

Short and sweet and completely offensive to Catholics (apologies in advance)...

I was driving home from work and I always pass a Catholic school.  This specific evening, I see the priest who is a rather young, dark haired gentlemen with a perfectly styled coif walking with a teenage boy, dressed in a basketball uniform leaving what appears to be the priest's quarters and returning to the school located across the street.  I immediately jump to the conclusion that this child has just paid his alter boy dues.  I concoct this elaborate and rather disturbing story line in my head and then make it my mission to try and get a look at the boys face.  What expression lies there...guilt, shame, sorrow, maybe even acceptance?  This seriously happened in less then 4 seconds as I passed the school.  I was completely sold that in about 5 years I am going to see this kid on A&E's Intervention that I had goose bumps for half of my hour drive home.

What does this prove?  Simply that the scene in Basketball Diaries where Coach Swifty tries to touch Jim's nugs in the locker room has made every grown man with a perfectly side swept, lacquered hairstyle accompanied with a high school age basketball player a pedophile.  Completely reasonable...