Today's Special!

TODAY'S SPECIAL ~ Crazy with a shot of More Crazy



Bedtime wars used to refer to that romantic time when my sweet dude would wake me from a blissful sleep with his rock hard dagger in my back...I would pretend to remain sleeping as he fumbled with several of my body parts in the middle of the fucking night when he knew I had that big presentation and had to get up at 5am but this night, of all nights, is when he decides he needs to clean out the pipes at's then that I throw the death blow of all when I mumble, as he begins to shock, "No dad, I'll be home by curfew".  He rolls over, severely limp and I go back to dreaming of sugar plum fairies... 
Me 1     Charley 0
In this story my sweet dude is Vietnamese, just go with it...

Now bedtime wars refer to every week night between 7:30pm and 10:30pm when Damien and The Good Son do everything in their power not to go to sleep...yelling, jumping, fighting, sneaking downstairs, coughing and demanding medicine, making preposterous statements like:
"Mom, I am drink"
"Mom, tell you something"
"Mom, me no dinner"
"Mom, I heard you call dad a dirty fucker this morning and now I'm afraid of how that might affect my future relationships"

I've been at work all day (not with the kids) and when it's my time to relax (not with the kids) I damn well deserve it.  I need all this me time in order to be a decent parent on Saturday and Sunday.  What don't these little mini lucifers not understand about STAYING IN BED!?!  Is it fun for them to constantly hear my empty threats of orphanages, or not getting presents at Christmas, or releasing the demon in the closet that eats children who get out of bed.  One person said, "Oh, it's because they miss you so much during the day that they don't want to fall alseep and miss you all night as well"  I stabbed that person in the fucking throat with an ink pen and then I took their blood drained body and put it in my kid's closet because if that doesn't get them to stay in bed, I don't know what will...
Anyway, looking forward to 3am in the near future because I'll take that war over the current struggle for dominance every week night.  On the weekends I'm drunk and passed out by 7pm so everyone's happy. 
Me 0     Evil Minions 1,095

1 comment:

  1. You're so ridiculous and I wish that you would video blog bc the peeps who have never met you would die laughing if they got to see how you say these outrageous & ridiculous things!