WAR...

Bedtime wars used to refer to that romantic time when my sweet dude would wake me from a blissful sleep with his rock hard dagger in my back...I would pretend to remain sleeping as he fumbled with several of my body parts in the middle of the fucking night when he knew I had that big presentation and had to get up at 5am but this night, of all nights, is when he decides he needs to clean out the pipes at 3am...it's then that I throw the death blow of all when I mumble, as he begins to shock, "No dad, I'll be home by curfew".  He rolls over, severely limp and I go back to dreaming of sugar plum fairies... 
Me 1     Charley 0
In this story my sweet dude is Vietnamese, just go with it...

Now bedtime wars refer to every week night between 7:30pm and 10:30pm when Damien and The Good Son do everything in their power not to go to sleep...yelling, jumping, fighting, sneaking downstairs, coughing and demanding medicine, making preposterous statements like:
"Mom, I am drink"
"Mom, tell you something"
"Mom, me no dinner"
"Mom, I heard you call dad a dirty fucker this morning and now I'm afraid of how that might affect my future relationships"

I've been at work all day (not with the kids) and when it's my time to relax (not with the kids) I damn well deserve it.  I need all this me time in order to be a decent parent on Saturday and Sunday.  What don't these little mini lucifers not understand about STAYING IN BED!?!  Is it fun for them to constantly hear my empty threats of orphanages, or not getting presents at Christmas, or releasing the demon in the closet that eats children who get out of bed.  One person said, "Oh, it's because they miss you so much during the day that they don't want to fall alseep and miss you all night as well"  I stabbed that person in the fucking throat with an ink pen and then I took their blood drained body and put it in my kid's closet because if that doesn't get them to stay in bed, I don't know what will...
Anyway, looking forward to 3am in the near future because I'll take that war over the current struggle for dominance every week night.  On the weekends I'm drunk and passed out by 7pm so everyone's happy. 
Me 0     Evil Minions 1,095

Just Me...

I'm not your average girl...
I cuss like a sailor.
I retrieve tonsil pods from the back of my throat and press them against my thumb and pointer finger to see if they smell as bad as the last.
I say dude on the regular.
I worry ALL THE TIME if I'm a decent parent or if I am just repeating the mistakes of my mother.
I wear bathing suit bottoms as underwear when I haven't done laundry.
I press my old earring holes to squeeze out that weird white shit and smell it.
I stick my gut out as far as it will go and model it when other girls start talking about how fat they are.
I have perfected the art of smelling my own breath.
I take the most devastating situations and joke about them at family functions.
I bite off my kids hang nails, toe or finger.
I spit up after eating, not in an anorexic sort of way but rather I ate too much.
I pick the never ending black head on my husband's back as if at some point a genie will pop out granting me three wishes.
I smell my finger after putting it in my belly button.
Actually, I smell everything.  EVERYTHING.
I will make you feel great, even when I feel less than shit.
I'm not confident in my actions, even though I do them the loudest.
I have a lot of regrets.
I don't let those regrets define me.
I missed a lot of boats, and I'm not talking about Starcrafts.
I'm not perfect but I can tell you how to be.
I'm not your average girl, I'm exactly like you.
There is no such thing as average so whatever you are and whatever you do, embrace it because you and I...we are PERFECT!