Women...the shallow edition

How I describe myself...
My boobs are disgustingly gigantic, my upper arms are the size of most people's thighs, my ass is as flat as a pancake, I'm smuggling an inflatable tube above my pant line, I have back fat inherited by every one of my aunt's on my mom's side and I have what appears to be the making of a gunt...I do have nice hands and feet and my face is way better than J-Wow's.  I'm funny and nice to people that are nice to me and sometimes to people that aren't nice to me because how on earth can you NOT like me and be nice to me!?! 


How one friend describes me...

"SUPER AWESOME!  Witty, intelligent, fantastic mother, mediocre housekeeper, can drink like a fish."

~Notice she did not mention my body at all which means she agrees with what is listed above...she totally thinks I'm an Orca and that's hurtful... 

When I said to this friend none of these things affect how I fit in a dress another friend said...
I tell you what… we buy you a Spanx and you will look great in ANYTHING.

~Again, Orca status confirmed.

So, I could not be left to believe that the things I originally said could be true and reached out to someone I know will lie to me, she said...

Your boobs are round, full and natural. Something every small titty woman envies. Something even women with fake boobs envy. Nobody can ever say u have a big fat ass and ur arms are slim and look nice in sleeveless shirts no doubt. Your stomach is of a normal woman who's had one child pop out of her V that u ended up "getting ur asshole reconstructed" wow, and one who had to be removed by cutting ur body open. Your laugh is loud and infectious. People yearn to be around u and to be like u. U make people comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time but its wanted not annoying. Your face is naturally pretty and u don't have to put any effort into looking beautiful but when u do u look amazing.

The liar is my best friend, you can see easily why she wears that title...because she is about as full of shit as I am!  Now, go on and get before I splash water on you with my tail...