Who knew that someday we would be able to build a page filled with everything about us and connect to old high school friends, elementary bullies and one night stand nightmares? It's the most bullshit world out there on the Internets but we love it and we continue to build our friend list with a shit load of people that we could really care less about but really need to know if they are fat/skinny/single/gay/rich/addicted or just plain interesting. I've spent more time then I care to comment (or like) looking through people's pictures and judging or looking through my own pictures as if I were someone else judging. I check my news feed daily and some folks tend to follow the same pattern so this post is going to call out a handful of status types and my interpretation of the people behind them...
The let's save every damn animal on the planet status - Good for the person who wants to make a difference but you know what would really help? Going and volunteering at the humane society, not blowing up my news feed with the fact that I can adopt a pit-bull now. Don't get me wrong, I love animals and I used to really love my two dogs until I got new pets in the form of children. You want to help out a dog, come get mine because I don't have time for their dog food needs and outside potty breaks. These people probably go through a lot of peanut butter.
The I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and darn it people like me status - People don't really like this person that's why they have to keep telling themselves that. Also, this person might want to check into therapy because at least then someone has to pretend to be interested when they share how they want to be even more good enough and smart enough.
The OMG! I have the best husband/wife/BF/GF and here is why - This person is either a beard or surrounded by cats, never even touched by the opposite sex but you wouldn't know because they posted a bunch of pictures photoshopped with awesome looking people.
The who knows what the hell you just said because no one knows how to read Ebonics status - dis dat stat gurrrrrl where peeps gots to read bout tree diff times cuz it don't make no since...SN SMH LMAO. These people need to be beat about the head and torso with a book, preferably one titled Learn to write English Clearly and Correctly. They also need a belt.
The I just got back from or getting ready to leave on another awesome trip for an extended period of time status - Fuck this person and the jet liner they flew in or out on...
Last but not least...
The I'm so fucking funny status - this lonely soul thinks they are the funniest person alive the only problem is all their jokes and sarcastic comments have been heard about 17 million times by their family and touchable friends. These posts wouldn't even get a smirk from their significant other but on facebook it's thumbs up all day. They live a make believe life of awesomeness via status updates and usually talk to themselves on the car ride home from work laughing at things they think or say aloud.
I mean, who talks to themselves and laughs at their own jokes? Not me!
What Summer? Oh, just saying how I'm so glad I don't have to try to be funny and it just comes naturally and everyone loves me and always wants to be around me and I'm not trying to prove anything by my facebook status updates like how funny I am or how I want to save a whale or that my husband is super hot, generous and kind while I pack for another excursion to Bora Bora ... Oh Summer, lol lol lol you are sooooooooooo funny. Thanks Summer, I love you...
I'm going to Great Wolf Lodge tomorrow and you're going to read about it on my FB status....muwahahahahahaha!
ReplyDeleteOh, how I love you! You have perfectly summed up facebook! But don't forget about the hypocrites: Posting, "What the fuck?" on one status, and then a Bible verse on the next.
ReplyDeleteThe 'save all the fucking animals' people - I have recently gone animal free (except for my daughter and husband) and you would not believe how much more relaxed I am. No poo to worry about, no hair on my clean laundry. Ahhhhhh, this is the life! I'll just leave the animal saving to those crazy facebookers.
The 'good enough/smart enough' people - I fucking hate them. "I'm working out. I'm taking karate. All of my jeans fit without fat hanging over the top. My lifestyle is so superior to yours!" Oh just kiss my ass.
The 'my husband is the best' people - Yeah, well. My husband may not ever take me anywhere, but he has a job. Your perfect, flower-sending, jewelry-buying husband should look into getting one so you're not working 3 jobs while he spends money trying to make himself look good.
The 'ghetto ebonics' people - Whyyyyyyy? Why do they like to make themselves look ignorant? 'Tha' and 'The' have the same number of letters, and yet they write shit like "Tha mufukin house gots bugs up in dat ish." Lord help us!
The 'eternally traveling' folks - I haven't been on a vacay with my husband in 11 years. Yes, jealousy is the sole reason I hate your traveling asses.
The 'funny status' people - Ummmm, no comment due to the fact that I may incriminate myself. Though I do try to put new stuff and not outdated funny stuff I've seen a gazillion times.