First of all let me address the title...NO, I am not pregnant...fat and freaking out, sure but that's another post...
Sorry I have been away so long (Melinda) but I have really had some life changes that have stretched me thin and most mothers know when that happens time for you becomes scarce. This morning, I am going to ignore that my 4 year old is trying to make his own chocolate milk (we don't even have chocolate syrup so this should be interesting) or that my 2 year old is hiding somewhere and when your not potty trained that means a dump is on the horizon, AWESOME! I'll make a better effort to tell you about ridiculous experiences that happen in this so called life and that effort begins now...
I'm getting my hair done this week by my tremendously adorable pregnant hairdresser (adorable and pregnant never met when I was carrying my beasts) and she proceeds to tell me that she was recently thrown a surprise baby shower. I know what you are thinking, oh what a sweet concept and that is when I tell you the rest of the story (shout out to Paul Harvey)...The day had begun on the rough side. She was three seconds away from divorcing her husband and was so uncomfortable that day that she wore maternity yoga pants, a stretched out tank and no make-up. Her husband allowed this even though he knew about the surprise shower the whole time (they are still married which is a miracle after that stunt). They pull up to the venue and she knows right away what is going down and begins to sob, first because she looks like a sweaty beached whale and second because she hasn't even registered and has no clue what this shower might consist of. That, my friends, is when shit really hits the fan. Let me paint a picture for you...
You weigh close to 280 pounds, not really but it feels like it, and you are already sobbing because your husband is a selfish asshole who has no idea how it feels to be pregnant or even human. You walk into a baby shower set up as a surprise for you and scan the room. Clothes are hung by a clothes line, every item that you could possibly need for a new baby is scattered around the area and there are weird copy paper boxes with writing on the sides...you squint to see what isn't making sense here when you see the tiny neon circular stickers on each one of the clothing items, you notice there is not one item in the original box and the copy paper boxes have messages on them like, "Riley 6-9 months" only your baby is not going to be named Riley. That's because all of the gifts here waiting for you and your new baby are from....
A FUCKING GARAGE SALE!!!!!!!!!!
Who does that? If the answer has ever been you, you're an asshole. No brand new mother wants a bunch of old, used shit that not only doesn't match but she didn't actually see the place where it came from which could be a total crap hole for all she knows. I just keep thinking about dressing my newborn son in a onesie with formula stains on it from a stranger and placing him so gently in a bouncy seat that has 10 year old teeth marks on it from some nasty ass toddler that did not emerge from my vagina. It's disgusting and I am not even one of those snotty, I need all new stuff because I'm too good for garage sales type of person. C'mon though, a surprise baby shower filled with all items from garbage sales? I would question if any of these people even like me. In fact, if by some miracle I get pregnant and someone thinks that will be a nice gesture since I'm already two kids deep and shouldn't really get a baby shower anyway I am going to freak the fuck out! Not only will I destroy the whole entire shower and everyone in attendance but I will actually eat the person that threw the shower and if you have ever seen me pregnant you know I could ingest an entire human being and still go on with my fat ass day like nothing ever happened...
