Hi...remember me? I'm 2016 Summer...I'm from the future. 2012 Summer has no idea what the new and improved world of disco lemonade holds...let me share this tale of which dreams are made of.
If you recall, we left this blog with hope that a possible vagina was growing in my guts and a perfect female would be released onto this planet from my husband's vasectomy unstoppable sperm. Well, hope doesn't exist in this home and that sperm had a wanker attached to a 10 pound baby that was fortunately delivered via C-section (thank you modern medicine for keeping this bitch right and tight).
Here I sit, in the future, where we have hover boards and drones that drop off packages to your front door, 3 boys deep in a sea of piss filled toilet seats. I'm trapped in a never ending guessing game of what the fuck is making that smell and how long has that booger been on the wall. A life filled with directives to not reach into the loaf of bread without washing your hands first because I watched you just 5 minutes ago play pocket pool...sans pockets. Not to mention the ultimate request that is activated by yelling from the bathroom, "MOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!! I'M DONE!!!!!!!"
Thankfully, I'm down to one child that I have to routinely wipe ass...even though I'm facing a lifetime of that chore with my husband. I'm hoping for early onset Alzheimer's so each ass wiping in the future will be like new, strange ass. Then I disappear to the abyss of my mind and piss myself. That's a story better left for 2056 Summer...
Tuesday
Thursday
It might be yours...
I have two boys and although I would really love a little girl of my own I wasn't really digging the odds, 50/50 just isn't my scene. Now if we could spin out all the females from my stud and insert them with a turkey baster I might have been on board but I have never been able to tell the sex of fish and I imagine sperm would be just as tricky so it just seemed time that we decided our family was exactly what it was supposed to be... one mom (too bad Todd if I just blew up your sister wives fantasy), one dad and two wild and crazy boys. It just made sense...2 arms, 2 parents, 2 fifths of vodka, 90 day supply of Xanax / 2 kids. So, I listened to Bob Barker (or Drew Carey, depending on your generation) and had my pet spayed or neutered. It wasn't on Todd's bucket list to have his nuts cut but I was reading Fifty Shades of Grey and if he wanted to play, well, he had to pay.
That was the beginning of May and at the end of June this happened...
That was the beginning of May and at the end of June this happened...
That is the exact picture I texted to Todd with a simple message, "We are pregnant". Holy fucking shit balls, we are pregnant!!! How did this happen?!? Oh right, that asshole Christian Grey with his warped sexual healing...MOTHER FUCKER!
Fast forward to today and I am sitting here 11 weeks pregnant with 5 pounds more to love (yup, not wasting anytime packing on the lbs) and completely sober. You might be asking yourself, is she really sober? Damn right I'm sober and guess what? Everyone is suffering for it. I'm crabby and hateful and bitchy and any other adjective that might describe being a complete rotten twat that's suffering from withdrawals.
Needless to say we are all celebrating this beautiful life growing inside me that is going to take it's sweet ass time getting here anywhere around March 9th. I am especially enjoying the recurrent yeast infections, the midnight pee session and then again at 2am, 4am and once more right before my alarm goes off at 6:20am the pain in my boobs and my gut as both begin to stretch to max capacity, the off the wall dreams like going to raves in London or driving a cab in downtown Flint for extra cash, all Todd's friends asking who the father is (Maury will decide), the gas that smells like something died in my ass and hits at the most unnecessary times so I am left praying that whatever seat I am releasing the toxic fumes into has a solid cushion to absorb the vapors and I am not found out that I am completely blowing ass in a benefits meeting, and last but definitely not least experiencing it all with no mommy's medicine.
50/50 chance it's a girl...expect the worst, hope for the best. To be continued...
Why am I your friend................on Facebook?
Who knew that someday we would be able to build a page filled with everything about us and connect to old high school friends, elementary bullies and one night stand nightmares? It's the most bullshit world out there on the Internets but we love it and we continue to build our friend list with a shit load of people that we could really care less about but really need to know if they are fat/skinny/single/gay/rich/addicted or just plain interesting. I've spent more time then I care to comment (or like) looking through people's pictures and judging or looking through my own pictures as if I were someone else judging. I check my news feed daily and some folks tend to follow the same pattern so this post is going to call out a handful of status types and my interpretation of the people behind them...
The let's save every damn animal on the planet status - Good for the person who wants to make a difference but you know what would really help? Going and volunteering at the humane society, not blowing up my news feed with the fact that I can adopt a pit-bull now. Don't get me wrong, I love animals and I used to really love my two dogs until I got new pets in the form of children. You want to help out a dog, come get mine because I don't have time for their dog food needs and outside potty breaks. These people probably go through a lot of peanut butter.
The I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and darn it people like me status - People don't really like this person that's why they have to keep telling themselves that. Also, this person might want to check into therapy because at least then someone has to pretend to be interested when they share how they want to be even more good enough and smart enough.
The OMG! I have the best husband/wife/BF/GF and here is why - This person is either a beard or surrounded by cats, never even touched by the opposite sex but you wouldn't know because they posted a bunch of pictures photoshopped with awesome looking people.
The who knows what the hell you just said because no one knows how to read Ebonics status - dis dat stat gurrrrrl where peeps gots to read bout tree diff times cuz it don't make no since...SN SMH LMAO. These people need to be beat about the head and torso with a book, preferably one titled Learn to write English Clearly and Correctly. They also need a belt.
The I just got back from or getting ready to leave on another awesome trip for an extended period of time status - Fuck this person and the jet liner they flew in or out on...
Last but not least...
The I'm so fucking funny status - this lonely soul thinks they are the funniest person alive the only problem is all their jokes and sarcastic comments have been heard about 17 million times by their family and touchable friends. These posts wouldn't even get a smirk from their significant other but on facebook it's thumbs up all day. They live a make believe life of awesomeness via status updates and usually talk to themselves on the car ride home from work laughing at things they think or say aloud.
I mean, who talks to themselves and laughs at their own jokes? Not me!
What Summer? Oh, just saying how I'm so glad I don't have to try to be funny and it just comes naturally and everyone loves me and always wants to be around me and I'm not trying to prove anything by my facebook status updates like how funny I am or how I want to save a whale or that my husband is super hot, generous and kind while I pack for another excursion to Bora Bora ... Oh Summer, lol lol lol you are sooooooooooo funny. Thanks Summer, I love you...
The let's save every damn animal on the planet status - Good for the person who wants to make a difference but you know what would really help? Going and volunteering at the humane society, not blowing up my news feed with the fact that I can adopt a pit-bull now. Don't get me wrong, I love animals and I used to really love my two dogs until I got new pets in the form of children. You want to help out a dog, come get mine because I don't have time for their dog food needs and outside potty breaks. These people probably go through a lot of peanut butter.
The I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and darn it people like me status - People don't really like this person that's why they have to keep telling themselves that. Also, this person might want to check into therapy because at least then someone has to pretend to be interested when they share how they want to be even more good enough and smart enough.
The OMG! I have the best husband/wife/BF/GF and here is why - This person is either a beard or surrounded by cats, never even touched by the opposite sex but you wouldn't know because they posted a bunch of pictures photoshopped with awesome looking people.
The who knows what the hell you just said because no one knows how to read Ebonics status - dis dat stat gurrrrrl where peeps gots to read bout tree diff times cuz it don't make no since...SN SMH LMAO. These people need to be beat about the head and torso with a book, preferably one titled Learn to write English Clearly and Correctly. They also need a belt.
The I just got back from or getting ready to leave on another awesome trip for an extended period of time status - Fuck this person and the jet liner they flew in or out on...
Last but not least...
The I'm so fucking funny status - this lonely soul thinks they are the funniest person alive the only problem is all their jokes and sarcastic comments have been heard about 17 million times by their family and touchable friends. These posts wouldn't even get a smirk from their significant other but on facebook it's thumbs up all day. They live a make believe life of awesomeness via status updates and usually talk to themselves on the car ride home from work laughing at things they think or say aloud.
I mean, who talks to themselves and laughs at their own jokes? Not me!
What Summer? Oh, just saying how I'm so glad I don't have to try to be funny and it just comes naturally and everyone loves me and always wants to be around me and I'm not trying to prove anything by my facebook status updates like how funny I am or how I want to save a whale or that my husband is super hot, generous and kind while I pack for another excursion to Bora Bora ... Oh Summer, lol lol lol you are sooooooooooo funny. Thanks Summer, I love you...
Wednesday
Phases of marriage aka when you love then hate and then love your husband again...
I've been married a successful 7 years. There have been ups and downs, mainly between the sheets (dut-a-dunt), but overall a pretty decent union in comparison to some really fucked up relationships I know about. I'm not talking about you so quit being so damn insecure. I find no matter who you are, and no matter how much you lie about loving your husband and your life and kids (if they have ruined arrived in your life yet) we all go through the same bullshit right around the same times. If you've just gotten engaged or still in your newlywed stage you are in luck because I'm going to save you a lot of "wondering if you made a mistake" time...for those in the 7 year stretch this is a fun trip down memory lane...
Congratulations it's your wedding day!!!
This is the best day of your life! You will say later that you can not imagine being more in love with your husband than you were on this very day. He will say everything right and look all kinds of handsome and be all kinds of charming. You'll be hella tired but still want to bone because this is the beginning of the rest of your lives together! The sky is the limit and you two will make it through anything because love is all you need...(insert your wedding song here).
It's your honeymoon!!!
There is no vacation that will ever come close to this trip you take with your brand new husband. Great food, great drinks and even better sex (if you waited to have sex until marriage it stops hurting some time during your honeymoon). This trip will be remembered and envied for the rest of your life. For most of you it's the last time you will ever take a trip outside of your current state...
It's your one, two, three year anniversary!!!
These all will run together at some point so no need to break them out. Real life has set in at this point but you are still too fresh in the marriage to really be honest how many times you fantasize about smothering your husband in his sleep. He thinks you are his mother, or worse he acts just like her and you are about fed up of sucking his ass every day because he (choose one) 1) is unhappy with his job 2) has gained weight 3) is losing his hair 4) can't find the gel 5) is an idiot. You are his housekeeper, his cheerleader, his mistress, his chef and his neck shaver. He is your first child.
You are pregnant!!!
Why the fuck you got pregnant when you both are still partying your ass off until the wee hours of the morning no one will understand but don't worry every chick does it. You think seeing those two lines is going to change both of your lives forever and it does, in time, but right now the only person's life that changes is yours and you have 10 months to knock your husband's ass straight. However, this is both a scary and exciting time and there is a glimmer of hope that your fading love light is starting to ignite again. This time is filled with as much overflowing pride and love for your husband as it's filled with empty threats of divorce, whether you say them aloud or under your breath.
Overflowing love = going through the baby book of names together and finding that perfect one
Divorce = picking his drunk ass up from the bar at 2am
Overflowing love = hearing the heart beat for the first time when it all becomes real and you're not just getting fat
Divorce = picking his drunk ass up from the bar at 9pm
You are having a baby RIGHT F'G NOW!!!!!
This is the best day of your life! You will say later that you can not imagine being more in love with your husband than you were on this very day! If you've never seen your husband cry, he will and together you fall in love with someone other than each other. It's pure and beautiful.
The first month or so, even through the after-birth hormonal insanity, your husband remains in this light of sainthood. He caters to you and the baby and wants to be as much a part of this new life you are making together more than you could have possibly dreamed.
The toddler years and your additional children...
This is when the real fun of marriage begins. You and all of your girlfriends bitch on the regular about your husbands...some husbands may help at bath time, others may load or unload the dishwasher, few may tell you you're beautiful without being asked but every single husband has one thing in common...he is an asshole. This is the time when you say, on multiple occasions, that at some point you and your girlfriends will all divorce your husbands and move in together. It's filled with hopes and dreams that at some point don't include your husband. Every normal chick at this point in life wants to karate chop their husband in the throat more times than not and for those few gals that claim to be head over heels, everything is perfect and not have one bad thing to add to the bitch fest, well, their marriage is way more fucked up than yours...and he is a cheater. Don't get me wrong, you'll still have good times with your husband but they will be limited to times when you get a babysitter or the kids go overnight with grandma or to summer camp...see the trend? Yup, kids are precious!
I haven't made it much farther than this but I think I'll keep it out of divorce court, and so will you, with the help of booze and girlfriends. Think of everything that lies ahead when you finally see the lastlife sucking demon spawn sweet angel baby off to begin their very own life leaving you to now live yours, no longer under their rule...falling in love with your husband in a whole new way and enjoying what is referred to as the Golden Years with your very best friends, i.e. vodka, SSI and that guy you married. Plus, at some point, dementia will set in and we've all seen The Notebook so.......
Congratulations it's your wedding day!!!
This is the best day of your life! You will say later that you can not imagine being more in love with your husband than you were on this very day. He will say everything right and look all kinds of handsome and be all kinds of charming. You'll be hella tired but still want to bone because this is the beginning of the rest of your lives together! The sky is the limit and you two will make it through anything because love is all you need...(insert your wedding song here).
It's your honeymoon!!!
There is no vacation that will ever come close to this trip you take with your brand new husband. Great food, great drinks and even better sex (if you waited to have sex until marriage it stops hurting some time during your honeymoon). This trip will be remembered and envied for the rest of your life. For most of you it's the last time you will ever take a trip outside of your current state...
It's your one, two, three year anniversary!!!
These all will run together at some point so no need to break them out. Real life has set in at this point but you are still too fresh in the marriage to really be honest how many times you fantasize about smothering your husband in his sleep. He thinks you are his mother, or worse he acts just like her and you are about fed up of sucking his ass every day because he (choose one) 1) is unhappy with his job 2) has gained weight 3) is losing his hair 4) can't find the gel 5) is an idiot. You are his housekeeper, his cheerleader, his mistress, his chef and his neck shaver. He is your first child.
You are pregnant!!!
Why the fuck you got pregnant when you both are still partying your ass off until the wee hours of the morning no one will understand but don't worry every chick does it. You think seeing those two lines is going to change both of your lives forever and it does, in time, but right now the only person's life that changes is yours and you have 10 months to knock your husband's ass straight. However, this is both a scary and exciting time and there is a glimmer of hope that your fading love light is starting to ignite again. This time is filled with as much overflowing pride and love for your husband as it's filled with empty threats of divorce, whether you say them aloud or under your breath.
Overflowing love = going through the baby book of names together and finding that perfect one
Divorce = picking his drunk ass up from the bar at 2am
Overflowing love = hearing the heart beat for the first time when it all becomes real and you're not just getting fat
Divorce = picking his drunk ass up from the bar at 9pm
You are having a baby RIGHT F'G NOW!!!!!
This is the best day of your life! You will say later that you can not imagine being more in love with your husband than you were on this very day! If you've never seen your husband cry, he will and together you fall in love with someone other than each other. It's pure and beautiful.
The first month or so, even through the after-birth hormonal insanity, your husband remains in this light of sainthood. He caters to you and the baby and wants to be as much a part of this new life you are making together more than you could have possibly dreamed.
The toddler years and your additional children...
This is when the real fun of marriage begins. You and all of your girlfriends bitch on the regular about your husbands...some husbands may help at bath time, others may load or unload the dishwasher, few may tell you you're beautiful without being asked but every single husband has one thing in common...he is an asshole. This is the time when you say, on multiple occasions, that at some point you and your girlfriends will all divorce your husbands and move in together. It's filled with hopes and dreams that at some point don't include your husband. Every normal chick at this point in life wants to karate chop their husband in the throat more times than not and for those few gals that claim to be head over heels, everything is perfect and not have one bad thing to add to the bitch fest, well, their marriage is way more fucked up than yours...and he is a cheater. Don't get me wrong, you'll still have good times with your husband but they will be limited to times when you get a babysitter or the kids go overnight with grandma or to summer camp...see the trend? Yup, kids are precious!
I haven't made it much farther than this but I think I'll keep it out of divorce court, and so will you, with the help of booze and girlfriends. Think of everything that lies ahead when you finally see the last
Blowing popcorn...
I need to get some shit off my chest...I've been pretty pissy lately and need to rid myself of all this negative energy plus I'm just getting sick of having this shit on my chest. So strap on, or in (I don't know what the fuck you are into) and enjoy the ride, Chazz...
It really pisses me off that I have to remember to take a damn pill everyday that makes me a total bitch to make sure I don't get pregnant and then become a total emotional bitch...no one wins here. You might be asking why I don't just get my husband spade or neutered...that's easy my friend, I'm not giving him a free squirt into every random stranger pass...think about it.
Recently I realized that I need to add my big toe to my shave routine. My big toe had these long black hairs growing from it like it was breeding the worms from Dune. If you don't have beard growing from your big toe and your under the age of 30...don't judge you baby bitch because it's coming. You are also going to get some weird random hair that grows out of your chin, good luck with that...
I love people that insist on airing your dirty laundry in front of a group but conveniently leave out all the dirt bag shit they did at the same time you were making your bad decisions. Bitch, I was there at the event and I remember what a whore you were being too so let's try to take that into account when you rehash the evening's transgressions, assface.
Speaking of, I don't always make the best decisions and I often do things that pisses my husband off royally but I really don't understand why performing pretend fellatio on a popcorn bucket is that big of a deal. Obviously, my husband doesn't realize how much I love popcorn...
I have a bunch of other shit I want to say but I have a vodka and lemonade that is begging me to ravage it and that takes precedence...because if I'm great at anything it's at being an alcoholic.
Sincerely, Betty Ford
P.S. during the close of this blog, the husband asked, "Are you drinking again?" Why yes, I am, and lucky for you because after you just asked me "do I want to be a good wife" (his exact fucking words) and get up an hour earlier tomorrow to drive the boys 20 minutes out of my way before work so you can hunt in the morning and not kill a damn thing because your hunting spots suck asshole I want to drop kick you in the face...but I'm not doing any drop kicking because I'm half in the bag and can't get that much air.
P.S.S. I've never given a rat's ass about being a good wife any other time so why start now...guess who has an early meeting tomorrow all of a sudden?
It really pisses me off that I have to remember to take a damn pill everyday that makes me a total bitch to make sure I don't get pregnant and then become a total emotional bitch...no one wins here. You might be asking why I don't just get my husband spade or neutered...that's easy my friend, I'm not giving him a free squirt into every random stranger pass...think about it.
Recently I realized that I need to add my big toe to my shave routine. My big toe had these long black hairs growing from it like it was breeding the worms from Dune. If you don't have beard growing from your big toe and your under the age of 30...don't judge you baby bitch because it's coming. You are also going to get some weird random hair that grows out of your chin, good luck with that...
I love people that insist on airing your dirty laundry in front of a group but conveniently leave out all the dirt bag shit they did at the same time you were making your bad decisions. Bitch, I was there at the event and I remember what a whore you were being too so let's try to take that into account when you rehash the evening's transgressions, assface.
Speaking of, I don't always make the best decisions and I often do things that pisses my husband off royally but I really don't understand why performing pretend fellatio on a popcorn bucket is that big of a deal. Obviously, my husband doesn't realize how much I love popcorn...
I have a bunch of other shit I want to say but I have a vodka and lemonade that is begging me to ravage it and that takes precedence...because if I'm great at anything it's at being an alcoholic.
Sincerely, Betty Ford
P.S. during the close of this blog, the husband asked, "Are you drinking again?" Why yes, I am, and lucky for you because after you just asked me "do I want to be a good wife" (his exact fucking words) and get up an hour earlier tomorrow to drive the boys 20 minutes out of my way before work so you can hunt in the morning and not kill a damn thing because your hunting spots suck asshole I want to drop kick you in the face...but I'm not doing any drop kicking because I'm half in the bag and can't get that much air.
P.S.S. I've never given a rat's ass about being a good wife any other time so why start now...guess who has an early meeting tomorrow all of a sudden?
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