DISCO LEMONADE

Why am I your friend................on Facebook?

2012-02-02T14:55:00.004-05:00

Who knew that someday we would be able to build a page filled with everything about us and connect to old high school friends, elementary bullies and one night stand nightmares? It's the most bullshit world out there on the Internets but we love it and we continue to build our friend list with a shit load of people that we could really care less about but really need to know if they are fat/skinny/single/gay/rich/addicted or just plain interesting. I've spent more time then I care to comment (or like) looking through people's pictures and judging or looking through my own pictures as if I were someone else judging. I check my news feed daily and some folks tend to follow the same pattern so this post is going to call out a handful of status types and my interpretation of the people behind them...

The let's save every damn animal on the planet status - Good for the person who wants to make a difference but you know what would really help? Going and volunteering at the humane society, not blowing up my news feed with the fact that I can adopt a pit-bull now. Don't get me wrong, I love animals and I used to really love my two dogs until I got new pets in the form of children. You want to help out a dog, come get mine because I don't have time for their dog food needs and outside potty breaks. These people probably go through a lot of peanut butter.

The I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and darn it people like me status - People don't really like this person that's why they have to keep telling themselves that. Also, this person might want to check into therapy because at least then someone has to pretend to be interested when they share how they want to be even more good enough and smart enough.

The OMG! I have the best husband/wife/BF/GF and here is why - This person is either a beard or surrounded by cats, never even touched by the opposite sex but you wouldn't know because they posted a bunch of pictures photoshopped with awesome looking people.

The who knows what the hell you just said because no one knows how to read Ebonics status - dis dat stat gurrrrrl where peeps gots to read bout tree diff times cuz it don't make no since...SN SMH LMAO. These people need to be beat about the head and torso with a book, preferably one titled Learn to write English Clearly and Correctly. They also need a belt.

The I just got back from or getting ready to leave on another awesome trip for an extended period of time status - Fuck this person and the jet liner they flew in or out on...

Last but not least...

The I'm so fucking funny status - this lonely soul thinks they are the funniest person alive the only problem is all their jokes and sarcastic comments have been heard about 17 million times by their family and touchable friends. These posts wouldn't even get a smirk from their significant other but on facebook it's thumbs up all day. They live a make believe life of awesomeness via status updates and usually talk to themselves on the car ride home from work laughing at things they think or say aloud.

I mean, who talks to themselves and laughs at their own jokes? Not me!
What Summer? Oh, just saying how I'm so glad I don't have to try to be funny and it just comes naturally and everyone loves me and always wants to be around me and I'm not trying to prove anything by my facebook status updates like how funny I am or how I want to save a whale or that my husband is super hot, generous and kind while I pack for another excursion to Bora Bora ... Oh Summer, lol lol lol you are sooooooooooo funny. Thanks Summer, I love you...

Phases of marriage aka when you love then hate and then love your husband again...

2012-01-18T21:35:00.002-05:00

I've been married a successful 7 years. There have been ups and downs, mainly between the sheets (dut-a-dunt), but overall a pretty decent union in comparison to some really fucked up relationships I know about. I'm not talking about you so quit being so damn insecure. I find no matter who you are, and no matter how much you lie about loving your husband and your life and kids (if they have ~~ruined~~ arrived in your life yet) we all go through the same bullshit right around the same times. If you've just gotten engaged or still in your newlywed stage you are in luck because I'm going to save you a lot of "wondering if you made a mistake" time...for those in the 7 year stretch this is a fun trip down memory lane...

Congratulations it's your wedding day!!!
This is the best day of your life! You will say later that you can not imagine being more in love with your husband than you were on this very day. He will say everything right and look all kinds of handsome and be all kinds of charming. You'll be hella tired but still want to bone because this is the beginning of the rest of your lives together! The sky is the limit and you two will make it through anything because love is all you need...(insert your wedding song here).

It's your honeymoon!!!
There is no vacation that will ever come close to this trip you take with your brand new husband. Great food, great drinks and even better sex (if you waited to have sex until marriage it stops hurting some time during your honeymoon). This trip will be remembered and envied for the rest of your life. For most of you it's the last time you will ever take a trip outside of your current state...

It's your one, two, three year anniversary!!!
These all will run together at some point so no need to break them out. Real life has set in at this point but you are still too fresh in the marriage to really be honest how many times you fantasize about smothering your husband in his sleep. He thinks you are his mother, or worse he acts just like her and you are about fed up of sucking his ass every day because he (choose one) 1) is unhappy with his job 2) has gained weight 3) is losing his hair 4) can't find the gel 5) is an idiot. You are his housekeeper, his cheerleader, his mistress, his chef and his neck shaver. He is your first child.

You are pregnant!!!
Why the fuck you got pregnant when you both are still partying your ass off until the wee hours of the morning no one will understand but don't worry every chick does it. You think seeing those two lines is going to change both of your lives forever and it does, in time, but right now the only person's life that changes is yours and you have 10 months to knock your husband's ass straight. However, this is both a scary and exciting time and there is a glimmer of hope that your fading love light is starting to ignite again. This time is filled with as much overflowing pride and love for your husband as it's filled with empty threats of divorce, whether you say them aloud or under your breath.
Overflowing love = going through the baby book of names together and finding that perfect one
Divorce = picking his drunk ass up from the bar at 2am
Overflowing love = hearing the heart beat for the first time when it all becomes real and you're not just getting fat
Divorce = picking his drunk ass up from the bar at 9pm

You are having a baby RIGHT F'G NOW!!!!!
This is the best day of your life! You will say later that you can not imagine being more in love with your husband than you were on this very day! If you've never seen your husband cry, he will and together you fall in love with someone other than each other. It's pure and beautiful.
The first month or so, even through the after-birth hormonal insanity, your husband remains in this light of sainthood. He caters to you and the baby and wants to be as much a part of this new life you are making together more than you could have possibly dreamed.

The toddler years and your additional children...
This is when the real fun of marriage begins. You and all of your girlfriends bitch on the regular about your husbands...some husbands may help at bath time, others may load or unload the dishwasher, few may tell you you're beautiful without being asked but every single husband has one thing in common...he is an asshole. This is the time when you say, on multiple occasions, that at some point you and your girlfriends will all divorce your husbands and move in together. It's filled with hopes and dreams that at some point don't include your husband. Every normal chick at this point in life wants to karate chop their husband in the throat more times than not and for those few gals that claim to be head over heels, everything is perfect and not have one bad thing to add to the bitch fest, well, their marriage is way more fucked up than yours...and he is a cheater. Don't get me wrong, you'll still have good times with your husband but they will be limited to times when you get a babysitter or the kids go overnight with grandma or to summer camp...see the trend? Yup, kids are precious!

I haven't made it much farther than this but I think I'll keep it out of divorce court, and so will you, with the help of booze and girlfriends. Think of everything that lies ahead when you finally see the last ~~life sucking demon spawn~~ sweet angel baby off to begin their very own life leaving you to now live yours, no longer under their rule...falling in love with your husband in a whole new way and enjoying what is referred to as the Golden Years with your very best friends, i.e. vodka, SSI and that guy you married. Plus, at some point, dementia will set in and we've all seen The Notebook so.......

Blowing popcorn...

2011-11-02T21:13:00.003-04:00

I need to get some shit off my chest...I've been pretty pissy lately and need to rid myself of all this negative energy plus I'm just getting sick of having this shit on my chest. So strap on, or in (I don't know what the fuck you are into) and enjoy the ride, Chazz...

It really pisses me off that I have to remember to take a damn pill everyday that makes me a total bitch to make sure I don't get pregnant and then become a total emotional bitch...no one wins here. You might be asking why I don't just get my husband spade or neutered...that's easy my friend, I'm not giving him a free squirt into every random stranger pass...think about it.

Recently I realized that I need to add my big toe to my shave routine. My big toe had these long black hairs growing from it like it was breeding the worms from Dune. If you don't have beard growing from your big toe and your under the age of 30...don't judge you baby bitch because it's coming. You are also going to get some weird random hair that grows out of your chin, good luck with that...

I love people that insist on airing your dirty laundry in front of a group but conveniently leave out all the dirt bag shit they did at the same time you were making your bad decisions. Bitch, I was there at the event and I remember what a whore you were being too so let's try to take that into account when you rehash the evening's transgressions, assface.

Speaking of, I don't always make the best decisions and I often do things that pisses my husband off royally but I really don't understand why performing pretend fellatio on a popcorn bucket is that big of a deal. Obviously, my husband doesn't realize how much I love popcorn...

I have a bunch of other shit I want to say but I have a vodka and lemonade that is begging me to ravage it and that takes precedence...because if I'm great at anything it's at being an alcoholic.

Sincerely, Betty Ford

P.S. during the close of this blog, the husband asked, "Are you drinking again?" Why yes, I am, and lucky for you because after you just asked me "do I want to be a good wife" (his exact fucking words) and get up an hour earlier tomorrow to drive the boys 20 minutes out of my way before work so you can hunt in the morning and not kill a damn thing because your hunting spots suck asshole I want to drop kick you in the face...but I'm not doing any drop kicking because I'm half in the bag and can't get that much air.

P.S.S. I've never given a rat's ass about being a good wife any other time so why start now...guess who has an early meeting tomorrow all of a sudden?

WAR...

2011-09-21T20:50:00.000-04:00

Bedtime wars used to refer to that romantic time when my sweet dude would wake me from a blissful sleep with his rock hard dagger in my back...I would pretend to remain sleeping as he fumbled with several of my body parts in the middle of the fucking night when he knew I had that big presentation and had to get up at 5am but this night, of all nights, is when he decides he needs to clean out the pipes at 3am...it's then that I throw the death blow of all when I mumble, as he begins to shock, "No dad, I'll be home by curfew". He rolls over, severely limp and I go back to dreaming of sugar plum fairies...
Me 1     Charley 0
In this story my sweet dude is Vietnamese, just go with it...

Now bedtime wars refer to every week night between 7:30pm and 10:30pm when Damien and The Good Son do everything in their power not to go to sleep...yelling, jumping, fighting, sneaking downstairs, coughing and demanding medicine, making preposterous statements like:
"Mom, I am drink"
"Mom, tell you something"
"Mom, me no dinner"
"Mom, I heard you call dad a dirty fucker this morning and now I'm afraid of how that might affect my future relationships"

I've been at work all day (not with the kids) and when it's my time to relax (not with the kids) I damn well deserve it. I need all this me time in order to be a decent parent on Saturday and Sunday.  What don't these little mini lucifers not understand about STAYING IN BED!?! Is it fun for them to constantly hear my empty threats of orphanages, or not getting presents at Christmas, or releasing the demon in the closet that eats children who get out of bed. One person said, "Oh, it's because they miss you so much during the day that they don't want to fall alseep and miss you all night as well" I stabbed that person in the fucking throat with an ink pen and then I took their blood drained body and put it in my kid's closet because if that doesn't get them to stay in bed, I don't know what will...
Anyway, looking forward to 3am in the near future because I'll take that war over the current struggle for dominance every week night. On the weekends I'm drunk and passed out by 7pm so everyone's happy.
Me 0     Evil Minions 1,095

Just Me...

2011-09-09T23:16:00.002-04:00

I'm not your average girl...
I cuss like a sailor.
I retrieve tonsil pods from the back of my throat and press them against my thumb and pointer finger to see if they smell as bad as the last.
I say dude on the regular.
I worry ALL THE TIME if I'm a decent parent or if I am just repeating the mistakes of my mother.
I wear bathing suit bottoms as underwear when I haven't done laundry.
I press my old earring holes to squeeze out that weird white shit and smell it.
I stick my gut out as far as it will go and model it when other girls start talking about how fat they are.
I have perfected the art of smelling my own breath.
I take the most devastating situations and joke about them at family functions.
I bite off my kids hang nails, toe or finger.
I spit up after eating, not in an anorexic sort of way but rather I ate too much.
I pick the never ending black head on my husband's back as if at some point a genie will pop out granting me three wishes.
I smell my finger after putting it in my belly button.
Actually, I smell everything. EVERYTHING.
I will make you feel great, even when I feel less than shit.
I'm not confident in my actions, even though I do them the loudest.
I have a lot of regrets.
I don't let those regrets define me.
I missed a lot of boats, and I'm not talking about Starcrafts.
I'm not perfect but I can tell you how to be.
I'm not your average girl, I'm exactly like you.
There is no such thing as average so whatever you are and whatever you do, embrace it because you and I...we are PERFECT!

Where's George Clooney?

2011-08-14T23:25:00.001-04:00

Last Monday I had an experience that all mothers fear...if you are the mother of someone who was dropped on their head as a small child. My youngest shoved popcorn kernels up his nose...not one or two but THREE popcorn kernels. I don't remember dropping him as an infant but I drink a lot so who really knows...
I stayed calm enough to not swear while I freaked the fuck out. Especially since this same day I was called by the daycare because my oldest son had a 102 fever, and at this same time I had just started boiling chicken and at this exact moment my phone was beeping because the battery was dying and I couldn't get in touch with my husband or my mom or my mother in law or God...
After every unsuccessful attempt at getting them out at home there was no other choice, we were heading to the ER...but not just any ER, the real glamorous one that is located right smack dab in the inner city. Although there is a dire need for hospitals to accept everyone regardless of insurance status you have to be insane to go there. I get to go there for free thanks to my employer and when shit is free, especially a trip to the ER, that can make you reach the necessary insanity level. This is that story...
Hudson and I arrive and pass through metal detectors behind a couple that just beat the living shit out of each other and in front of a cracked out criminal with police escorts. We check in and stand in an area the size of a half bath with the most interesting and intriguing group of people I have ever laid eyes on...one man is holding his finger in a blood soaked rag, an elderly woman is moaning and another lady really just looks like she is waiting for Dr. Feelgood.  Other than the company it all seems pretty uneventful...
That is when we are graced by Mental Patient Marcus who approaches the check in window like he is either going to murder it or eat it. He explains to the check in girl that he was just released by the hospital and doesn't have his medication. "I can't be released on the streets without my medication...mumble, mumble, mumble..." Our second guest is Dad of the Year Dave who comes right up on Marcus and yells, "I need medical attention for my son!" He then proceeds to grab his son's wrist and proclaims, "his wrist be broke!" His son wails out since the wrist he grabbed is said broken wrist all the while Marcus is still trying to get his red or blue pills (one pill makes you smaller, one pill makes you tall). Marcus whirls around and says to Dave, "Don't dip in my shit man." Dave, of course, has a retort, "You best step back man...you need to take your ass to the mental joint next door." They both are puffed up and I fear are going to start beating the shit out of each other in this 6x6 hell hole and I can't contain myself so I yell, "THAT'S ENOUGH! There are children in here. Both of you need to GET IT TOGETHER!" In all honesty, I think my animal mother instinct took over and I also think it didn't make a damn difference. These dudes could have cared less that I was going National Geographic on them or that there was children in a 6x6 room they were about to make their personal octagon. Miraculously, Mental Patient Marcus is summoned by the pill distributor and ironically the gal behind the check in glass says that I better go to another waiting room which I reply, "Umm, you think?"
The other waiting room had a nice little play area that I wouldn't have let my child play in if it was the last playroom on earth...we were joined by a mom who said fuck every other word which if you are at the bar is fine but we happen to be in a pediatric ER waiting room so not really a good look, Dad of the Year Dave joins us where he grabs his son's broken wrist on two more occasions to show the nurse it's broken, and finally a 15 year old who had her ass cheeks hanging out of her shorts and is brought in by an ambulance with another 15 year old that put a bullet in her head...how do I know that, you ask?  Well, as I am checking my son in with the nurse the ambulance driver happens to share that information right in front of me and my THREE YEAR OLD SON!!!! Thankfully, the popcorn kernels up his nose somehow affected his hearing because he never once asked any questions about that.
We are called back and taken to the curtain rooms of chaos. We are surrounded by a child with a bandage wrapped all around the top of his head who keeps trying to crawl up his mother while she plays on her phone, a pregnant girl old enough to just be starting sex ed (that's 5th grade) and don't forget Dad of the Year that I hear the doctor ask when the break happened and Pops says around 5pm and the doctor seems perplexed considering the entire wrist has to be reset.  I am overtaken by this overwhelming feeling of dismay when Hudson sneezes and a popcorn kernel pops out!!! We were starving and really hoped it would have materialized into a fluffy, butter-ific popped corn of goodness but no such luck.
It's then that my angel arrives from the darkness. He has in his hand the magic wand of kernel rescue and with a graceful flick of the wrist releases the other two kernels that have made their home in my son's nasal cavity. That is how I remember it anyway and is exactly what I am going to keep telling myself. No, I did not need to apply my entire weight on my son while this satanic nose utensil gouged and dug in my sons nostril only to cause a severe nose bleed once the kernels had been rescued. It wasn't like that at all, in fact it was a beautiful experience...like how you would imagine floating on a cloud might be.
All in all, we made it through the wilderness of inner city ER! We aren't stabbed, or zombies, no one dipped into our shit and I still love my son. I love him even though three days later he looked at me and slowly put a popcorn kernel up to his nostril...at which point I picked him up and dropped him on his head.

Women...the shallow edition

2011-08-05T14:01:00.000-04:00

How I describe myself...
My boobs are disgustingly gigantic, my upper arms are the size of most people's thighs, my ass is as flat as a pancake, I'm smuggling an inflatable tube above my pant line, I have back fat inherited by every one of my aunt's on my mom's side and I have what appears to be the making of a gunt...I do have nice hands and feet and my face is way better than J-Wow's. I'm funny and nice to people that are nice to me and sometimes to people that aren't nice to me because how on earth can you NOT like me and be nice to me!?!

How one friend describes me...

"SUPER AWESOME! Witty, intelligent, fantastic mother, mediocre housekeeper, can drink like a fish."

~Notice she did not mention my body at all which means she agrees with what is listed above...she totally thinks I'm an Orca and that's hurtful...

When I said to this friend none of these things affect how I fit in a dress another friend said...
I tell you what… we buy you a Spanx and you will look great in ANYTHING.

~Again, Orca status confirmed.

So, I could not be left to believe that the things I originally said could be true and reached out to someone I know will lie to me, she said...

Your boobs are round, full and natural. Something every small titty woman envies. Something even women with fake boobs envy. Nobody can ever say u have a big fat ass and ur arms are slim and look nice in sleeveless shirts no doubt. Your stomach is of a normal woman who's had one child pop out of her V that u ended up "getting ur asshole reconstructed" wow, and one who had to be removed by cutting ur body open. Your laugh is loud and infectious. People yearn to be around u and to be like u. U make people comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time but its wanted not annoying. Your face is naturally pretty and u don't have to put any effort into looking beautiful but when u do u look amazing.

The liar is my best friend, you can see easily why she wears that title...because she is about as full of shit as I am! Now, go on and get before I splash water on you with my tail...

The time I blogged drunk decided it wasn't a good look and then read it sober and found it completely appropriate...

2011-08-04T14:52:00.001-04:00

So, last week I proceeded to get completely annihilated on a weekday because isn't that what great mothers and wives do? Oh... Well, I was raised a little different I guess. Anyway, I never posted the below because at the time, in my drunken insanity, I thought it was terrible...I read it today and it's soooooo terrible that it's fucking GREAT! I might just get drunk tonight and go for round 2!!! The funniest part about the previous sentence is the use of the word might. Mommy LOVES her medicine!!!!!!!
Side note - I left the spelling errors because I think it truly expresses what a complete rock star I am on Tuesdays.

Tuesday, August 26th at entirely too early to be this loaded.
This an experiment...
I've been into the sauce and I'm about to blog. It could be a total nightmare or it might be the best 3 minutes of your life...similar to a one night stand. Let's see how it goes.
Some disclaimers ~ As I am typing this I have no idea where it might go and therefore am not liable for anything I might say about anything. In addition, I'm not that drunk, yes I have consumed three very large vodka and tonics on a random Tuesay night but the only thing being affected right now is my ability to find the period button, . See? Speaking of periods, I'm on mine...I thought you should know.
I have decided to purge in this post anyhtign that comes to mind...
Right now I'll have you know I hate smoking, the smell and the people that do it...however, I have just smoked three cigarettes so take from that what you will judgey mcjudgerton...maybe I am more buzzed than I thought.
This is not going well...maybe I should pick a topic. Hmm, how about people that you manage at work that talk to you like you are a retard.
I have one of these...I tell her a new policy or procedure or something I have handked for her out of kindness and she sits down in her chair, clasps her hands together as if to pray and says EVERYM'FGTIME, "well, I'm not certain how you used to do things but here we...." She does a lot of eyelash batting and nodding her head back and forth as if hse is going into some epilectic seizure. The whole time this scene is palying out I smile because all I want to do is back hand that smug look off her face and tell her that if it was being done the right way the million years she has been there then maybe I wouldn't have to tell her a different way of dpoign it.
Okay, this isn't working out. As I'm typing this I am thinking to myself, "are you really going to post this shit?" Seriosuly it's awful and I am having a hard time even typing it...at the same tiume I'm thinking, "I did say it was an ecperiment so they knew what they were getting into." Let's continue...
I'm smoking another cigarette...that makes four.
What else?

This is where it ended. I might have passed out or developed lung cancer or made a pizza but more than likely passed out as cancer enveloped my lungs while making a pizza...yeah, that's more my style. I'm a multi-tasker!

Fat Pregnant Freak Out...

2011-07-09T11:21:00.001-04:00

First of all let me address the title...NO, I am not pregnant...fat and freaking out, sure but that's another post...

Sorry I have been away so long (Melinda) but I have really had some life changes that have stretched me thin and most mothers know when that happens time for you becomes scarce. This morning, I am going to ignore that my 4 year old is trying to make his own chocolate milk (we don't even have chocolate syrup so this should be interesting) or that my 2 year old is hiding somewhere and when your not potty trained that means a dump is on the horizon, AWESOME! I'll make a better effort to tell you about ridiculous experiences that happen in this so called life and that effort begins now...

I'm getting my hair done this week by my tremendously adorable pregnant hairdresser (adorable and pregnant never met when I was carrying my beasts) and she proceeds to tell me that she was recently thrown a surprise baby shower. I know what you are thinking, oh what a sweet concept and that is when I tell you the rest of the story (shout out to Paul Harvey)...The day had begun on the rough side. She was three seconds away from divorcing her husband and was so uncomfortable that day that she wore maternity yoga pants, a stretched out tank and no make-up. Her husband allowed this even though he knew about the surprise shower the whole time (they are still married which is a miracle after that stunt). They pull up to the venue and she knows right away what is going down and begins to sob, first because she looks like a sweaty beached whale and second because she hasn't even registered and has no clue what this shower might consist of. That, my friends, is when shit really hits the fan. Let me paint a picture for you...

You weigh close to 280 pounds, not really but it feels like it, and you are already sobbing because your husband is a selfish asshole who has no idea how it feels to be pregnant or even human. You walk into a baby shower set up as a surprise for you and scan the room. Clothes are hung by a clothes line, every item that you could possibly need for a new baby is scattered around the area and there are weird copy paper boxes with writing on the sides...you squint to see what isn't making sense here when you see the tiny neon circular stickers on each one of the clothing items, you notice there is not one item in the original box and the copy paper boxes have messages on them like, "Riley 6-9 months" only your baby is not going to be named Riley. That's because all of the gifts here waiting for you and your new baby are from....
A FUCKING GARAGE SALE!!!!!!!!!!

Who does that? If the answer has ever been you, you're an asshole. No brand new mother wants a bunch of old, used shit that not only doesn't match but she didn't actually see the place where it came from which could be a total crap hole for all she knows. I just keep thinking about dressing my newborn son in a onesie with formula stains on it from a stranger and placing him so gently in a bouncy seat that has 10 year old teeth marks on it from some nasty ass toddler that did not emerge from my vagina. It's disgusting and I am not even one of those snotty, I need all new stuff because I'm too good for garage sales type of person. C'mon though, a surprise baby shower filled with all items from garbage sales? I would question if any of these people even like me. In fact, if by some miracle I get pregnant and someone thinks that will be a nice gesture since I'm already two kids deep and shouldn't really get a baby shower anyway I am going to freak the fuck out! Not only will I destroy the whole entire shower and everyone in attendance but I will actually eat the person that threw the shower and if you have ever seen me pregnant you know I could ingest an entire human being and still go on with my fat ass day like nothing ever happened...

End of the World To Do list...

2011-05-21T13:21:00.001-04:00

As recorded by 10 year old me when I first learned in Vacation Bible School that some day, in the very near future, the world would end due to the sinful nature of mankind. The worst sin I had ever committed at the time was telling my mom and dad I wasn't crossing the busy highway to get to my BFF Cari's house. I figured with today being the day everyone, except you dirty ass sinners of course, will just float away like a hot air balloon to hang out and see for ourselves what Jesus is really doing (not wearing some dumb ass bracelet to remind him to make good decisions I bet) this will be the only chance I get to share this dynamic list.

Make an end of the world mix tape - I can only imagine these "rockin' hits" would have included Livin' On A Prayer, Didn't We Almost Have It All (as recorded by a crackless Whitney), and the very appropriate (I Just) Died In Your Arms...
French kiss a boy - at this age the boy I wanted to kiss was a trashy punk and last I heard was featured on a little site named Faces of Meth...way to shoot for the stars 10 year old me.
Learn to whistle the part on Walk Like An Egyptian - I still can't whistle :(
Shave my legs for the first time - seriously? I'm thinking about the end of the f'g world and I'm worried about using a razor...however, I do shave my legs and hoonaner today for the Gyno so I should at least show the same respect to JC.
Watch Fatal Attraction - I knew it was a good one when I got sent to bed early on that movie night, thank goodness for Neverending Story (if you've seen my featured blog this week you know what I'm talking about)
Meet Debbie Gibson - her perfume was the shit back then so I can't really argue...

Last and my personal favorite:

Find out what my mom's Cosmopolitan magazine means by lying under the bath tub faucet - oh you just wait until you figure this out...Best. Day. Ever? Yeah, pretty close!

So, good luck today my fellow blog buddies! My advice, get yourself a grocery cart...that's what got Viggo Mortensen through The Road. Oh, he died...welp, WWJD?

This is when you should just smile and nod...

2011-05-13T16:22:00.005-04:00

I have a lot to talk about...all of which are interesting and important to me which means also interesting and important to you (you are smiling and nodding right? If not, read the title)...have a seat (on my lap) because this is going to take a minute...yes, I have candy.

I just quit my job (holy shit!). A job that I have been at for 9 years. I'm sad, excited, nervous, enter any other emotion here but most of all I feel bad for the folks I am leaving behind. This place is really going to suck without my inappropriate conversations and unwanted fondling. You don't find that in HR anymore...
I am starting a new job and I am not sure if these folks at the new gig are ready for my inappropriate conversations and unwanted fondling. I'll wait for a few days before I really give it to them (literally or figuratively because I go both ways...)
In the week I turned in my letter of resignation so did my direct supervisor. I am telling myself that my leaving caused her to not want to live anymore. I don't mind having that kind of blood on my hands...
Needless to say, we are leaving this department in a bit of a tail spin...too bad they won't have me fondling them to cheer them up...they might report it's unwanted but the constant pleading to stop we both know is just for show...plus, I'm HR so the report will come to me.
My husband, in his quest to become a professional softball player and Budweiser drinker, tore a bunch of shit in his knee yesterday. This right at the time when I'm quitting one job and moving to the next which also means quitting one employer's insurance and moving to another. I'm sure this won't be a medical claim nightmare...great timing dumb ass (that's a term of endearment in our home).
I was chosen as a featured blogger today over on The Scoop on Poop but Blogger decided to take a gigantic dump on my special day and now I've been tabled to next Friday. This was after I decided to tell everyone on facebook that my blog is so awesome it will be featured today.
Some sweet tidbits I picked up from facebook this week; 1) My cousin is getting married and sharing her day with her closest friends and family...2) I am not a member of either one of those categories apparently because I wasn't invited...3) When I shared my sadness about the missing invite, obviously hoping it led to an invite that I could just turn down anyway, the only thing that happened is two other cousins "liked" it.

That is just a small snapshot of my life as it is today...you'll find me passed out in the middle of my backyard wearing only one flip flop this weekend because after all the bullshit above there is serious drinking in order! *hiccup* I might have already started...

God Bless America!

2011-05-06T16:38:00.001-04:00

For those of you who cannot read Loconese this translates to:
"Hello kind sir! At this time, please refrain from using this doorway. There is fresh tile on the other side that may be harmed if walked on. This entrance will once again be accessible on Saturday. Thank you and have a nice day!"

The only coverage I'll do for the Royal Wedding...

2011-04-29T12:33:00.000-04:00

Coincidence?

Ready or not, here I come...

2011-04-26T13:44:00.001-04:00

Just as I sat down to enjoy my 2.5 minute lunch break I stumbled across this:

Hide N Seek (the shitty version)

I'll give you a minute...

Now, let me put a 10 foot pile of manure in perspective with a 10 foot Harriet Tubman, a 10 foot bunny rabbit (Easter shout out), and a normal sized man next to a 10 foot fence.

How about telling me how anyone is allowed to build a shrine to horse crap for so long that it grows in excess of 10 feet? Maybe the town folk never noticed but The Law cleared that up for us, ""It was the biggest pile of (manure) I have ever seen. They've been putting it back there for years."

YOU KNEW THE ENTIRE TIME THERE WAS A 10 FOOT PILE OF HORSE SHIT???

I'm surprised that these people are surprised that bodies were found in it. You people are just asking for bodies to be dumped there...hell, I might stop by and dump the turtle for goodness sakes (yes, it's still alive).

When asked if the deceased were white or Hispanic Wyatt Earp had to say, "We're not sure which, but we know for sure they're not black"

Phew! We wouldn't want a Mississippi Burning sequel now would we? Good job on making sure the folks murdered and dumped in 10 feet of horse manure were definitely not black. I'm sure that makes everyone sleep a little more soundly in your Deliverance hell. How can one be so sure they aren't black anyway...considering they're dead, wrapped in plastic and covered in shit? On that note, I could care less if they are brown or yellow, black or white...

Don't worry though, a thorough search has been completed and although more bones were found they are believed to belong to horses so no more threat of illegal dumping of plastic. I know that's a happy ending for anyone who could have very well starred in The Hills Have Eyes.

High moral code...

2011-04-22T10:46:00.008-04:00

I gave up booze for Lent and a couple weekends ago I had a plate full of activities that I would usually be bombed during, 1) opening day for the Detroit Tigers and 2) weekend long casino trip, on a bus, with a lot of drunks. It was going to be a test. Upon entering the weekend ~~Satan~~, ~~Anti Christ dressed as a friend~~, some devout Catholics shared that Sundays are indeed free days and with that line of thinking I had saved up enough free days to be able to break my promise for a few days...so I did. A LOT! It did not come without vengeance from God however because the entire casino trip I pissed out of my ass. I literally had to choose slots that were right outside of the bathroom because at anytime blazing 7's were erupting from my bum. Moral of this story - Break a promise to the Lord and hell will shoot out your bung hole.

Speaking of things erupting from people's bums...I was at the Sweet Spot (no it's not a strip club, it's a candy store you freak!) with some friends from work and one gal dropped a pack of Twizzlers...Upon bending over to pick up the chewy ropes of goodness her pants split. I am not talking a cute, tiny, easily hideable split...her entire ass was exposed to the world. Lucky for her she has a great ass, unlucky for her she had to walk all the way down the street to Ann Taylor's Loft for a new pair of pants wearing what appeared to be assless chaps. Moral of this story - A Twizzler in the hand is not worth a nekkid tush.

Recently my son had an appointment with a speech pathologist and directly after she asked me if my children have ever been taken away by PS (protective services) my son yells, "Punch. Me. Down!" "Kick. Me. Hard!" "Eat. Dog. Poop.". Good news ~ the gal was impressed with his vocabulary...Bad News ~ I think PS has been parked outside my home since the visit. Moral of this story - Spare the rod, the spoiled kid will tell people you beat them anyway.

Happy Easter everyone, from my son who I make eat dog poop (only when we're low on mac n' cheese, geesh)!

I'm a good time...

2011-04-06T17:33:00.001-04:00

My gay uncle had a heart attack and this is the conversation that happened after my mom bitched me out for not calling him to see how he was doing...

Sum: I called Uncle Aunt...

Mom: What did he say?

Sum: Well, he was a little offended that you made me feel so guilty about not calling. He was like, “Life is too short. That kind of sucks that she would use me as a pawn to make you feel guilty after I just had a heart attack and almost died”

Mom: Really?

Sum: Yeah, but don’t worry about it, I told him you just were worried that he felt no one cared...

Mom: I feel bad that he took it that way...

Sum: Don’t Mom, because that conversation never happened…he didn’t answer when I called.

I have a headache...indefinitely.

2011-04-04T13:46:00.005-04:00

We bowl with newlyweds...they were both married to complete assholes, divorced and have since found and married each other. They are in crazy love and having come from previous relationships where there was no romance whatsoever are making up for lost time. Their love and lust for each other has never bugged me before but then again I have never given up drinking for Lent before so probably by the time they start really loving each other I am piss drunk and motor boating a stranger (yeah, I've been known to do that). Anyway, this past Saturday the topic of sex came up and of course they have sex ALL THE TIME. My husband slinks in his chair and sulks as the topic is shared among the couples of sex, how much is normal/abnormal, who has to beg, who doesn't, blah, blah, blah...I keep silent because at this point it appears that everyone is screwing the hell out of each other and I am the wicked barren witch of the East who never gives my husband any play.

After that night I started feeling really guilty and thinking about when sex slowed down for us and why I'm in sex craze remission because at one time I was quite the fornicating freak show. That guilt didn't last long however because I started remembering things like this...

• The year is 1994...I let my boyfriend (who is now my husband) talk me into playing a game, just the tip...from that point forward there wasn't a place we didn't have sex...garages, golf courses, school buses, stranger's bathrooms, offices, driveways...the list goes on and that kind of variety lasted through 2004 which was the year of our marriage. I'd say that was a pretty good fucking run and I should kind of be off the hook for the rest of my life.
• The year is 2006...I gained 80 pounds over the course of 10 months and then had a human being rip out of my puss and asshole. Yes, my puss AND asshole...that does happen and they refer to it with a cute little term "4th degree tear". To give you an idea of what that might be like...for a short time in my life, as in 45 minutes after delivery, I had no taint. I'll give you a moment to fully absorb that.
• Year 2008...Another 60 pounds and this time a human gets surgically removed from my gut. This little peanut wasn't planned and I thoroughly followed the pullout method that got me through my entire high school/college career. We spent a good portion of his first days in NICU because he had wet lung. Before they sent us home they hooked him to a breathing machine and taught us CPR on a plastic baby because he was having a hard time breathing on his own. So, in addition to making sure my two year old already at home didn’t smother him I also had to make sure that if the louder than a fire alarm machine went off at any time of the night I was ready to push, push, push, breathe while I also tried to call an ambulance (thankfully that was never necessary but my oldest may have tried to smother him...that came later though).

So, just with those few bullets I think it is apparent that I am exhausted and my pussy is deformed...I think, I can't really get a good look at it anymore because my gut could be categorized as a gunt (I'll let you look that one up) which I thoroughly believe is because when they released the second human from my bikini line and replaced my intestines they put them in the wrong spots. Not to mention for a good romp session nowadays I need to have shaved which is hit or miss and the boys need to be sleeping which is also hit or miss and I need my pocket rocket that died somewhere between 2006 and 2008 and I don’t feel like brushing my teeth on the weekends just to run up to the sex shop and get a new one. So, to any of you that are on the fuck friendly roller coaster of life...GOOD FOR YOU! Keep that shit to yourself though because I paid my dues in the 90's and now you've required me to perform an out of the ordinary screw that I was planning on breaking out before I got my hair done!

Random Rules of Life...

2011-04-01T16:51:00.002-04:00

#39 If you walk into a bathroom and the toilet flushes immediately but there is no shuffling feet sound that is your sign that someone is shitting and to please give them privacy.
#40 If you choose the stall right next to them and there are 3 other stalls for your use, you are an asshole.

#122 If you buy a microwaveable meal for one dollar...that is what it will taste like.
#123 It doesn't matter if it has chocolate pudding in it.

#517 Never tell someone you are good at something if you don't want to have to do that something every fucking time they need it done.
#518 Expect to have that someone point out how not good you are at it everytime you do it.

#932 Your crotch will never smell like a flower...no amount of special kuka wash or arm pit spray for vajayjays or plastic container filled with vinegar will make that happen.
#933 It will smell less like Chicken of the Sea if you shave your muff occasionally.

#1524 The very first time you try marijuana will be the day before your first random drug screen at work.
#1525 Every positive random drug screen for marijuana is a person that has just tried it for the very first time.

Are you talking to yourself?

2011-04-01T10:32:00.000-04:00

Have any of you seen the show on I.D. channel, Who the [Bleep] Did I Marry? It's a show that explores stories of men and women who thought they were happily married until the day they uncover a shocking secret to uncover that nothing is as it seems. Go set up your DVR and come right back. This is one of those stories…

He was the ultimate man...the perfect specimen of muscle, charm, and endowment for female pleasure. The kind of man that warms up your towel in the dryer while you are showering, or tells you how beautiful you are when you have period bloat and haven't had your upper lip waxed in months.

However, you just can't understand why you have this soft voice telling you something is amiss...until one morning you wake up to piss and that once soft voice is loud and yells for you to break into his damn phone! "Oh now, that's just silly voice. I trust him. What could possibly be in his phone? He made me pancakes for dinner and did the dishes...that is true, honest, unconditional love..." WOMAN, I SAID CHECK THE DAMN PHONE! So you do...and your entire life and plans for the future and a relationship that was built over 2 years is crushed from one text message. A message that probably took seconds to write crumbles your existence. Now you know and now you must act...It's over and there is no coming back from it. The voice goes silent...

In the months ahead, you realize just how much this man was a stranger. You have no idea what you meant to him and what, if anything, you had. You feel foolish, emotionally beaten and even more outraged. You hate him but you hate yourself more for not listening to the voice. The voice that was always there. The voice that you buried. The voice that you never told your friends about. The voice that doesn't sugar coat and no matter how faint never goes away and never lies and doesn't shut up until you do what you are told.

The voice isn't special to the person in this story but of every female out there. (I see you...) We all have that voice. It is powerful and it should never be ignored. It can come as a warning to act, or a sign of great things to come or an internal shove to get over whatever obstacle is holding you back. What is your voice saying? It’s time that you listen…

Toot, Toot!

2011-03-18T16:34:00.004-04:00

That's my horn and "toot, toot" is me tooting it, my own horn, get it, come on it was funny...whatever, fuck off.

So why the narcissistic celebration? Well if you must know, over the past couple months I've been given a couple blog awards...yeah, people like me. The cool thing about these awards is it opens you up to other funny people out there in blog world...the not so cool thing is it means you have to do a bunch of shit and I think we have established at this point that I'm both lazy and bitchy so I haven't handled my blog award business. So I am going to that today...okay? Here we go...

The first award is (drum roll)....

No, it's not The Lick Old Lesbians Award. I made that mistake too and my upper lip still smells like Cream of Mushroom soup...was that too far Charlie? Anyway, it apparently stands for Laugh Out Loud and all the youngsters use this to communicate when something is tremendously funny...so much so that they actually laugh out loud. See? See how that works...those annoying little fuckers are tricky aren't they?

First and foremost I have to tell you who I make Laugh Out Loud and it's none other than Downtown Jenny Brown. She is funny so go there...NOW!

Next I have to state 7 unknown facts about myself...this is hard because there isn't too much of the unknown. Let's see what I can pull out of my ass...

I've never actually licked an old lesbian, I am not saying I wouldn't
I do have a terrible habit of biting cheeks, face cheeks
I have never bitten a butt cheek, I am not saying I wouldn't
I cry when I'm pissed which thoroughly fucks up portraying how pissed I am
I laugh when someone is pissed at me which thoroughly fucks up showing how sorry I am
I'm not usually sorry
I do apologize more than I should

Well, that didn't go too bad if I do say so myself. Next I have to pass on the award to a certain number of people but I can't remember so I am going to tell you about one blog I have recently stumbled upon and she might very well live in my parallel universe...

Princess Muffintop - This chick has a body of a muffin and not just any muffin but a Blueberry Muffin...I fucking love Blueberry Muffins!!! There is another thing you didn't know about me. So, I guess you could say I would LOL, lick this old lesbian, only she isn't old and she isn't a lesbian. Oh well, she will make you laugh out loud so check her out, yo!

In perfect transition, Princess Muffintop also presented me with an award! (drum roll...yes, I will drum roll every fucking time)

It's the Cherry on Top Award just in case you aren't paying attention...my cherry was busted in the early 90's so to win it back means a lot to me. I've missed you Cherry...I also miss Tight Vagina but not nearly as much as T- daddy I'm sure, do they have that award? Sorry, I'm being ungrateful...

With this award I have to tell you three things I love about myself...this is hard too because I am usually so modest. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but...

I love my face! If you look past the lines, crows feet, sun spots, dry skin patches, 30 year old acne and a slight guido moustache I really am beautiful.
I love my abs, I love my abdominals! (Do you know that commercial?) If you look past the stretch marks and 70 pounds of leftover pregnancy belly flab that looks like crinkled up papers they are really tight. I should get a belly button ring actually.
I love this blog and I love the blogs I follow and I love you for reading!

I am supposed to give this award away but I need a Mountain Dew or something...check out my profile and click on any of the blogs I follow, you will not be disappointed! Do you want to know what is disappointing? That no sweet, problem solving alcohol will be hitting these lips this weekend...why oh why did I give up booze for Lent? So. Fucking. Stupid.

Things I'm going to start doing at the office...1st edition

2011-03-16T13:12:00.001-04:00

When someone asks what I am having for lunch I am going to say, "Dinner regurgitated from last night."
When they don't believe me and walk over to my cubicle to see what I'm really having I will have a plastic baggy of chewed up bread/chips/chicken sitting on my desk and offer them a sample. (I learned that baggy trick from Intervention, thank you A&E)
The next time I am in the restroom and another individual enters the stall next to me I'm going to ask who it is and whether they have answered me or not I'm going to say, "mmm hmm, I've heard of you"
I'm going to have conversations with coworkers while my eyes are completely closed.
If someone asks for my assistance I am going to state that I really don't have time but know someone that does, I will then reach into my desk drawer and pull out a sock puppet who will proceed from there.
I am going to talk to myself so loud that the folks around me think I am talking to them...oh wait, I already do this...moving on.
Every task I complete I am going to yell out, "Woot Woot...in your face task, how does it feel to be done task, shove it up your ass to-do list!"
Take naps
Start a show and tell that I will hold at my cubicle...just for me. "For show and tell today Summer I brought a water bottle that holds 24 total oz's of aqua." "Wow Summer that is fascinating and very hydrating."

Did I mention I gave up booze for Lent? Do you know that prescription pills are not booze? Exactly...

Who invented running?

2011-03-15T13:40:00.003-04:00

I have spent a lot of the new year looking at myself nekkid. Just standing in the mirror...facing front, turning to the side, using a mirror to view the rear, back to the front. I am doing this in hopes that the ever present spare tire I am smuggling under bloused dolman tops causes a fire to light under my pancaked ass to get me moving and change my body's current state.

Spring Break 2010 ~ I'm the hot one...

Although this ritual does cause the necessary depression, towel smothered sobs (I don't want to wake the family) and diminishing self confidence it is definitely not working. The P90x Cd's I had my brother burn for me haven't made it within inches of the DVD player.

So, I decided to take another route...I contacted a running friend and joined her for a Saturday jog. I was extremely nervous considering the last time I ran was close to a decade ago but figured everyone can run, right? Wrong! Running is quite possibly the most ridiculous thing I have ever tried to do past the age of 17. Let me replay for you the disaster that was my running experience...

I text her to make sure we are still "on" for our running date...secretly hoping she has been diagnosed with syphilis which has since made her blind...does syphilis make you blind or is that herpes?? Whatever, any blindness causing disease. No luck, she still has her sight as well as all other senses (I can't remember how many there are because on top of being fat I am also stupid, the cards are stacked against me). I ask what I should bring and she responds to only be concerned with how many sports bras I need to wear. Good point...

I show up, kiss her babies and we hold hands exiting from her driveway because it is covered in ice...that should have been the first red flag. We begin a slow and steady pace and about two seconds into our trip my ankle goes out...I giggle as I limp a few steps here and there and inform her something might be wrong with my ankle. Willing with all my might that my ankle is broken and then I have a valid excuse for not having to run anymore because at about one second into the run I was over this dumb shit. Ankle miraculously heals and we are back at the solid pace.

Fast forward some miles...some meaning one...

Me - "ugh, can we turn around now?"
Marathon Fucking Runner - "we don't turn around...we run an entire block which is a total of 4 miles"
Me (in my head) - "Please God, I don't ask for much but if you could strike me with lightning right now I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and even work in the preschool class..."

Skip more miles...some meaning 0.5...

MFR (coincidence that Marathon Fucking Runner acronyms are MFR, I don't think so) - "Was that a dog?"
Me - "What, where?"
MFR - "I thought I heard a dog charging us..."
Me (I'm taking the liberty that you now know italicized font means this convo is happening in my head) - "Please God, I don't ask for much but if you could please have a rabid dog emerge and literally eat my ankles off I will army crawl around my neighborhood spreading the Gospel for the rest of my life..."

More miles...2 minutes from feared dog attack...

Me - "I have to pee"
MFR - "Do you want to stop?"
Me - "No, I should be alright..."
MFR - "Do you know sometimes runners piss or shit themselves because they exert their bodies so much during a race?"
Me - "AWESOME!"

I then proceeded to piss and shit myself.

Okay, some of this is a tad exaggerated. I did a lot of walking, even more bitching and a tremendous amount of begging to please walk again. The only good thing that came out of that running debacle was the sunshine skillet I inhaled afterwards as a reward.

Going back to being a complete dumb ass, I'm running again this Saturday with the same MFR that almost killed me last weekend. No, not because I felt so great afterward. What a crock of shit that is...you don't feel great after running, you feel tired and then for the next three days you feel like you've been vaginally assaulted by dudes the size of Fat Albert and then made to do the stair master...I am running because I want another sunshine skillet.

Bikini Bod...HERE I COME!

That's a shame...

2011-03-11T13:30:00.002-05:00

I am approaching the deadline to get my alien implant removed that prevents unwanted tax deductions and I'm really struggling with my next move here. I have two kids of the male variety. I am pretty sure I'm done unleashing Satan's spawn out into the world but the dream of a daughter causes pause...

I think I would like a girl. A sweet, pretty, organized, quiet, no bone breaking or hitting or kicking or biting or wrestling, pig tail wearing, innocent little girl to cuddle, and play dress up or put puzzles together without mass destruction of said puzzle upon completion. I want to decorate a little shabby chic nursery and shop for frilly tutu's that she would wear with outrageous colored leggings. I want to have her grow up and we talk about everything and be very best friends forever and ever and ever!!!

There is one problem with this fantasy...I will be her mother!

She will probably arrive in this world looking a little like Joe Dirt screaming obscenities and already wearing cut off flannels. She will pull my hair and spit at me while we grocery shop and even the mention of cuddling will send her into a fit of rage that even my boys will cower away from. Her nursery will be a stone gray and the only song that will calm her epic cries will be Cop Killer by Ice T. She will request a black trench coat from Santa that she playfully refers to as Satan and play Mortal Combat religiously by the age of 3. She will grow up blaming me for whatever comatose state she has herself in at that time and I will continuously ask myself, "What did I do so wrong?"

Better go buy a bag of frozen peas because T-daddy is getting his Scrotum chopped up PRONTO! Phew, thanks for helping me with that one...

I should have known better...

2011-03-10T16:40:00.003-05:00

I've spent the greater part of today looking for a really good picture of Thing 1 and/or Thing 2 from the Cat in The Hat movie because I am quite certain their look for that flick was based off this guy...

These type of posts are what happens when someone gives up facebook and booze for Lent...

Usually an absence like this involves a shit story...

2011-03-04T17:17:00.001-05:00

I don't have a good excuse...My dog ate my blogger password? I've gone blind (no, not from masturbation...who has time for that)? My place of employment decided the QWERTY style keyboards were for cave men and switched the location of every key and now when I want to type "awesome" it results in "fartpop"?

None of these are true (for you slow readers..) I just haven't felt the writing fire. Sure some interesting things have happened that I should have purged on to this page, errr, screen like...

I was told in front of my husband that I have great boobs and then being asked if I was married at which point I nod to my husband who is standing right next to me. To be honest, the girls aren't all that great, just big...additionally my husband really could have cared less, mostly because he sees how not great they are.
We were invited as a couple by same dude who really likes my boobs to join him, his wife and a another random group of folks to a place they call "fun town"
This brought back memories of my honeymoon where my husband and I were propositioned by a couple who were really deep in the swinger community, we declined (sorry to let any freaks down but it was our honeymoon for goodness sakes) and the guy gave us his business card in case we changed our mind...they conveniently live a few hours away from our hometown even though we met them in Mexico...this story is much better actually but maybe for another time.
I came in dead last at our latest weight loss challenge at work, DEAD fucking LAST! I even ended with a negative percentage which means I closed out the competition at a higher weight then what I started...I've never been very competitive plus I really love bagels.
My new year has not gone without shit, literally, my oldest son shat all over my cream carpet...it was a very interesting mix of diarrhea and mushy rabbit pellets and quite possibly the most shit I have ever seen released from a human being. The kind that as you tried to wipe it up it just spread more and more around the cream carpet, did I mention the carpet color is cream?
As I'm dumping bleach basically on said shit stain my son stands there in amazement asking various questions, "Am I sick? How does all that poop come out of my butt? What is that sound your throat is making Mom?" Umm, yes you are sick...I asked that same question myself...the sound is me gagging and trying not to add puke to the monstrous pile of crap.
This same son also broke a bone...we are currently living that hell as he needs to wear a cast from hand to bicep for the next six weeks. I have started drinking...more.
My place of employ has cut us off from facebook and all other social networking sites which is the best thing to happen to my career...I have decided since to give up facebook for Lent because I think it's what Jesus would do.
Look everyone I'm blogging, shove that up your ass network administrator!!! I am quite certain after that I will be blocked from this site on Monday.

That's a small snippet of life since the last time I let you peek into my crazy, fabulous, psychotic, awesome rack world. I hope that there are people out there that still like me...and enjoy reading.

Until next time I'll leave you with one of my fat girl thoughts, "You have stopped yourself from eating all of the 3rd piece of pizza you've taken at the work party because you truly can't fit another pepperoni into your gut when you realize there is still creamy romano dressing pooling at the bottom of your salad bowl so you take a sliver of french bread to soak it up and eat it"

That is reason number 572 that I came in dead last to the weight loss challenge. I should be more depressed about it but I really could give a flying fuck...or a standing very still and calm fuck for that matter.

X, O & Donut Holes...
SumSum

Are you trying to tell me something...

2011-01-05T16:44:00.000-05:00

There was a time in my life when I had certain underwears that were specifically worn during my period. The point of that being I didn't want to goop up my hot little numbers that would be ripped off during steamy bouts of fornication. The point of that back story is there was a time in my life when I was particular about panties but that time is loooooooooong gone darlin'. In fact, any pair of underwear are fair play at anytime regardless of what may or may not be coming out of my va-jay-jay.
That being said, over the holiday break our dryer took a shit. My mom and my mother in law, the saints they are, ~~jumped at the chance~~ reluctantly offered to help do our laundry. Now, I am no fool and I hate doing laundry so I was all like, "hellz yeah, I'll drop it off now" and they were all like, "shit fo sho foo"...well, it was more like, "yes, bring it but you DO need to get your dryer fixed"...mmm hmm, I'll get right on that. Are you completely confused with where I am going here...wait for it because climax happens in...
5:
On Christmas Eve I reach into a stocking at my mom's house...
4:
In front of my own family, my brother and his family...
3:
On Christmas Day I unwrap a box beautifully adorned in bows and lace at my in laws house...
2:
In front of my own family and ALL of my in-laws to find on both occasions...
1:
A 5 pack of Hanes cotton hipsters.

Blog Nog

2010-12-10T12:51:00.001-05:00

In the spirit of Christmas I wanted to write a little diddy about what I believe gets most people through the holidays...not me though, definitely not me...

To the tune of Jingle Bells (ahem, that's me clearing my throat)

Rushing to the booze
It's the smartest thing to do
Because pretty soon your drunkest aunt
Will begin to molest you

Everyone points and laughs
As she starts to rub your ass
It's much too late to realize
That half xanex won't last

You exit in a rush
Give the door a heavy push
In hopes your pie eyed cousin
Has broken up purple kush

Ohhhhh...
Booze and pills, booze and pills
Wrapped left handers too
Getting through the holidays
Do what you gotta do

(bows to applause...thank you, thank you)

Happy Holidays blogging buddies! "Just say No" and let's hope 2011 brings me some better material...
<3 ~ SumSum

This will only hurt for a second...

2010-12-09T14:44:00.000-05:00

I apologize for my absence...I'm super duper busy at work and that is when I blog...I'm extremely productive! Want to hire me?

Short and sweet and completely offensive to Catholics (apologies in advance)...

I was driving home from work and I always pass a Catholic school. This specific evening, I see the priest who is a rather young, dark haired gentlemen with a perfectly styled coif walking with a teenage boy, dressed in a basketball uniform leaving what appears to be the priest's quarters and returning to the school located across the street. I immediately jump to the conclusion that this child has just paid his alter boy dues. I concoct this elaborate and rather disturbing story line in my head and then make it my mission to try and get a look at the boys face. What expression lies there...guilt, shame, sorrow, maybe even acceptance? This seriously happened in less then 4 seconds as I passed the school. I was completely sold that in about 5 years I am going to see this kid on A&E's Intervention that I had goose bumps for half of my hour drive home.

What does this prove? Simply that the scene in Basketball Diaries where Coach Swifty tries to touch Jim's nugs in the locker room has made every grown man with a perfectly side swept, lacquered hairstyle accompanied with a high school age basketball player a pedophile. Completely reasonable...

Do you want to piss me off?

2010-11-03T13:02:00.001-04:00

Here is how...

Drive with your blinker on. You can't hear the tick tick tick of your blinker because I'm not even in your car but because I see the light flashing my brain is making the fucking tick tick tick sound!?!
Talk to me while I'm eating chips. I can't fucking hear you over the crispy crunchy deliciousness of these fried potatoes so you are just going to have to repeat yourself which also pisses me off...
Saying something multiple times before you answer me and then suggest that I might be mumbling...I don't know how to mumble! I am the loudest, most obnoxious chick on the planet!
Question me on why I didn't do A, B or C task when I was never even asked to do those tasks in the first place and then I have to spend the next 20 minutes searching my archive e-mails to prove I was never given those tasks. Productivity at it's finest right there!
Make me explain why my last comment or joke or obscure statement is funny which I will have to do when you don't laugh at the appropriate time, or look at me with a "huh?" face...you are a fucking idiot obviously and my humor is that of a genius (think Rain Man)
Yell at me on the highway when you are the one driving like Helen Keller...if Helen Keller had dementia.

All of the above things have happened to me TODAY! TO-fucking-DAY and it is barely past noon! So, ask me how I am doing today.

How to piss me off...cont.

Ask me how I am doing in a real cheery, happy to be alive, dripping with positivity voice when it is apparent that my day sucks donkey ass...and yes, it sucks an ass's ass.

Intervention, here I come...

2010-11-01T14:14:00.001-04:00

I was absolutely prepared to write about something awesome and hilarious and completely embarrassing but after this article I decided to quit drinking and take up heroin...for health reasons and the safety of those I care about.

It's a black tar party!

Now I am too busy ~~falling asleep to~~, ~~passing out in a heroin induced coma~~, watching Basketball Diaries for hooker inspiration (either from Juliette Lewis or the Sweet Valley High twins) and figuring out which family member I'm going to steal from to get my next fix.

Thank goodness I gave up booze...

Too lazy to drink...

2010-10-22T12:40:00.003-04:00

It's getting colder outside and a new personality is starting to emerge...Slumber. I'm so lazy! I think it's apparent considering my awesome blogs have been very sporadic. I figured today I'd spew a couple of different things I've been thinking of writing about but haven't because...stretch...yawn...sleepy time...

So, a friend shared a story about another friend attempting to sext with his wife for the first time...he initiates the convo and although I'm not sure exactly what he said I can imagine it went like this...
Friend of friend ~ "when I get home I am going to oil up those titties and watch the oil droplets bounce off your chin while I give it to you"
Wow, I'm pretty good at this! Don't tell my husband... Anyway, he is all in and ready to get down and dirty with some super hot sexting action when his wife replies, "yes, I will rub your penis and testes"
SCREECHING HALT!
Better luck next time buddy...and after this story my first thought was your wife is a nurse but she isn't. I think the point of this story is we should leave the sexting to the tweens.

I'm leaving work the other day and need to piddle before my hour long commute. I am a first stall user because at some point in my life I read or over heard or dreamt that the first stall is used least and therefore usually the cleanest. So, I arrive to my landing post and it looks like someone was murdered in there! WARNING it's about to get gross...there was blood smeared all over the back of the toilet. How does that even happen? Seriously!?! Women bleed out of their vag hole so someone please tell me how it would be physically possible to sit on a toilet and leave smears of blood at the back of the seat. These thoughts followed me all the way home...I am still dying to know how 1) it happened and 2) this person didn't see the trail of death they left behind. Thanks alot you dirty, bloody bitch for ruining my first stall theory...

Okay...Slumber is kicking in so that's all I got for now (yawn). Sorry if you were eating lunch during this post...or maybe I shouldn't be sorry because you're on a diet and I just stopped you from eating that whole plate of cheese fries...in that case YOU'RE WELCOME!

Reality Bites...not a movie review

2010-10-15T12:14:00.002-04:00

I've been in a bit of a funk...I'm not walking around writing "life sucks" on my thighs with a sharpie marker or anything but I've realized that aging is not only adding crows feet, laugh lines and gunt flab but it is also stealing my magical gift of making things happen. I've practiced 'The Secret' way before someone wrote a book telling everyone that it was a secret, and newsflash it's no fucking secret. You think positive things and believe things will happen and they just do...at least, they used to. Have I lost you yet? Yeah I'm a bowl full of sense and positive energy right now...eat it up!
Let me explain...In the past if I've wanted something badly enough, truly believed with all my might that it was going to happen and played it out in my head it usually turned out the way I wanted it to. I've always thought of it as a tricky little power I have over the universe. Yes, I am that delusional. Anyway, for one of the first times in my life the outcome was not at all as I perceived it to be.
Umm, hello universe...it's SumSum...we aren't friends anymore???
So now what? Is someone else in charge here because I don't roll to the beat of anyone else's drum!?! I have even said OUT LOUD, "If people would just do exactly as I say things would run a lot more smoothly around here"...I was greeted with the response, "You'd love that wouldn't you?" Umm yeah, I would...that's probably why I said it!
Anyway, ADD is kicking in...so is my special power gone? Has it been eaten away by the bitterness of reality and I'm not some powerful, ESPN having specimen of magic that causes things to happen with my thoughts??? Perhaps I'm not but could it be it's not the bitterness that has sucked it away, or aging that is causing me to lose it rather I'm a batty, ape shit crazy egomaniac that has now realized that the world doesn't spin on an axis called SumSum and sometimes you don't get the job, or the promotion, or walk out of your sister's wedding to see the dude of your dreams waiting outside leaning on his car (oh, Jake Ryan...) and it has nothing to do with how hard you prayed or how much you fantasized about getting the call saying, "YOU WIN! WE CHOOSE YOU!!!"...sometimes SHIT HAPPENS!
Wait...what am I saying??? Obviously things didn't turn out the way I wanted them too because I am dealing with a bunch of retards that can't tell a diamond from a turd...yeah, that has to be it. Now, I'm imagining having Panera for lunch...get busy on that request universe!

You can take back the bra burning but I'm keeping the weed...

2010-09-22T13:54:00.002-04:00

Today a WOF shared that maybe she should go back to working on Fridays because she feels it's not fair that precious husband and father of her children is working seven days straight and they are just making ends meet. Verbatim: "I know I'm being selfish but I truly love dropping off and picking up my daughter from kindergarten one day a week and it's nice to be able to have some mom and son alone time while she is at school"
This thoroughly pissed me off...selfish? It's selfish to want to stay home and spend quality mumma time with your children one freakin' weekday? Selfish because you should be working 50+ hours a week rather than providing your children with SAHM stability and consistency?
As a working mother that's one of the many things you feel though...am I pulling my own weight financially? Is my boss not going to give me that bonus/promotion because Skippy has chicken pox (again)? Is my kid going to be a 15 year old Emo cutter writing poetry about how mommy was never there??? Am I going to make it through another year not being addicted to speed because I don't have energy for it all?
I never asked for this...I don't want to be an equal partner. I want to stay home with my kids and clean the house and make sure the dinner is on the table and still warm to prevent a good backhand from the husband. I want to have play groups and walking groups and book clubs and recipe swaps with other mommies while all of our kids play out in the backyard. I want June Cleaver...with highballs.

I am not in a position to have that luxury so I will continue to say, "You know, I'm just not the type of person that would be truly happy at home all day and that is why I work". Bullshit! I work because I have to...I work because someone had a great idea that I should go to college and make as much as a man and have all the same responsibilities as a man.
That really bit us in the ass though didn't it? Yeah, we have all the same opportunities as a man but in addition need to raise law abiding citizens who don't eat fast food every night who say please and thank you and don't upper cut other children on the playground and have clean clothes and good smelling hair and trimmed nails all while ironing our work suit...oh, and make sure not to spank them because then they'll be druggie alcoholics. AWESOME!
Good lookin' out gals from the 60's!!!

is it awkward...yes, now it is.

2010-09-09T11:35:00.000-04:00

I was ~~sitting~~, ~~lying~~, passing out on the couch last night watching the Real World...I've been hooked since Andre, Becky, Eric, Heather B, Julie, Kevin, Norman...that's the cast of season one from 1992 for all you baybay's who follow. Anyway I digress, during the commercial break a PSA of sorts comes on with a group of gals traveling around the country to talk to "famous and normal girls just like us about their periods"...What do we need to talk about? Are periods uncomfortable to talk about? Do gals exist that really don't know you can run and jump and even swim (GASP!) while wearing a tampon?

How about I sum it up for everyone here...feel free to print this out and share with your daughters.

At some point you will start to hemorrhage from your vagina. When it first happens you will freak out, your mom might cry and then your grandma will give you a card welcoming you to womanhood and all of your aunts will look at you with their head tilted to the side wearing a sympathetic smile.

You will be frightened at the thought of shoving a cotton swab attached to a string in a place that only pee comes out and will resort to wearing a pad, be thankful it's no longer connected to a belt or something you wash and have to reuse. Sooner or later though you'll be invited to a pool party during that blessed week (or two) and you'll have to go ahead and insert that cardboard applicator. Don't worry, there are awesome pictorial instructions included in each Tampax box. Plus, if your mom isn't a menopausal bitch by this point she can break it down in real talk.

NO, the tampon will not break your hymen...the senior that takes you to prom as a freshman will definitely try though. It's not embarrassing or weird but it is a tremendous pain in the ass (NOTE-the tampon does not go in your ass...exit only you freak!) and comes at the worst times. Please, please, please shower every day (if you don't regularly) while you are menstruating (aka on your period, ragging, aunt flo is visiting, T.O.M., bleeding like a stuck pig that just won't die...okay I made that last one up). Another good tip for once your sexually active is you might want to take that tampon out before you get busy and if you are too embarrassed to tell the dude your boning that you have a tampon in then might I suggest you keep practicing abstinence darlin'. In addition, if you don't take my advice and ride that pony with your bloody cork don't ask your friend to try and find it with a flashlight the next day...M Kay?

So, there you have it MTV...looks like I've successfully handled the awkward period topic so let's move on to more pressing topics like how not to look like a 20 year old slut when you are 14.

of course it is...

2010-08-31T13:16:00.000-04:00

I was driving home and this chick driving a big monster truck drove up along side of me...

This truck was soooooo loud, obnoxiously loud, and the whole time I was at the stop light next to her I was irritated. Who drives a truck like that? Why is it necessary to irritate everyone else with your ridiculous noisy vehicle? I hated this chick and if I were Inspector Gadget I would have used my go-go gadget arm to punch her in the throat!

As she pulled away the sound didn’t fade in the distance with her. It was right at that moment I realized it was my truck…the muffler fell off. So, I punched myself in the throat...

Introducing Scummer...

2010-08-25T12:19:00.000-04:00

If you read regularly then you'll know Scummer is my alter-ego. She is quite possibly the most annoying chick on the planet but everyone loves when she decides to make an appearance...well, everyone with a vagina or anyone who does not have a wedding ring tattooed on their finger that matches my own. In essence, my husband hates her & my friends and creepy single dudes love her and usually egg her on. Truth be told, she doesn't need egging...
I thought the best way to explain her is through photos...

This is Scummer in the making...the yellow cup and straw are usually a dead giveaway that she is revving up for an appearance. Innocent bystanders or gals who have not yet been acquainted have no idea what they are in for.

Uh-Oh...sure tells Scummer has arrived; someone is fondling her, alcoholic substance in hand, the fucking duck face and she has aged about 60 years...

Don't be fooled by the sweet faces surrounding Scummer, they have all had a hand in her demise and point and laugh as she becomes what we like to refer to as "a situation". Also, don't be fooled with how together Scummer looks in this photo, she has no idea where she is.

But what she does know is she wants a sandwich...and when she gets hungry...

She ATTACKS!

and then goes to sleep...

Oh Scummer, until next time...

Special thanks to a small little valley who made Scummer's appearance possible and to all those who met her for the first time last Saturday, she meant no harm...or did she???

I'd like to thank the little people...

2010-08-23T15:10:00.002-04:00

Look! I got another one of those people not related to me actually read my blog and like it awards! A chick who I bet has 20/20 vision and can leap buildings in a single bound gave it to me...go check her out at The Opto-Mom.

The first thing I did was google the word versatile because maybe I don't want to own up to being a Versatile Blogger. The definition read - with many uses: able or meant to be used in different ways as well as changeable: subject to rapid or unpredictable change. So basically I'm an unpredictable nut case that is meant to be chewed up and spit out or rode hard and put away wet. Heck yes, that is totally me!!! So, thank you Opto-Mom! I have never received a better compliment...

Part of the rules are I have to pass the award on to bloggers I also think are versatile. I am drawn to folks of this nature:

Yo Mama's Blog - I originally visited this gal because I was surprised to find out my mom had a blog, turns out it's not really my mom...
Wait in the Van - This is one stranger that I would actually get in their van...and wait.
The Un-Mom - She introduced me to random thoughts and a weekday called Tuesday...
Red Means Go - Quite possibly the funniest chick on the information superhighway, also she is not above whoring herself out for fame and that's admirable.
Just Getting Going - She is newer to the blog scene and apparently if I ever get kidnapped I need to provide the po-po her scar history and breast size, good to know!
The Bloggess - This gal is pretty much the cat's ass of blogging...

I think you will see a theme here...anxious alcoholics hiding behind a computer screen and all pretty much AWESOME!

I also need to share 5 random things about myself...
This is starting to feel like work...

I bought a pair of jeggings - for those who don't know those are jean leggings, I know, that's just ridiculous, but I try to camouflage my gut by putting the focus on my chicken legs.
I tried them on for my husband and his reply was, "we are watching too much Jersey Shore"
I wore them for the fist time this weekend and at the first bar we stopped at a tear across my upper thigh neighboring my coochie occurred...by tear I mean gapping hole.
I contemplated just cutting them off into shorts, Sammi Sweetheart style.
I do watch too much Jersey Shore.

Ahh well, I bet none of those guidette bitches have won a versatile blogger award! Boo-Ya!

Blog Block...

2010-08-13T11:25:00.004-04:00

I haven't written because nothing that horrifying has really happened to me recently...there is usually a clam before my shit storms (that may or may not be literal) so expect great things in the months to come.
I get anxiety when things are going well, I'm getting even more anxiety writing that things are going well (knocks on wood, crushes xanex and injects directly into blood stream).

ED. NOTE - above should read "a calm before the storm" but when I read the typo "clam" it made me laugh so I'm totally leaving it because if you think of your nether region dynamic there is a clam in front of where shit storms occur...think about it; now moving on...

Things that are coming up which may result in a mental crash and burn...and better posts (no promises)
My dad's one year death anniversary - recognizing the day of death makes absolutely no sense to me, the local paper (& my mom) says it's completely necessary though. Hi, remember that day last year that sucked worse than when your parents told you your dog and at the time best friend forever "ran away" well write a poem about it and then we will charge you over $100 dollars to print it...oh, you want a picture? Add another $50, and sorry for your loss sucka...
My oldest starts pre-school - crash coming from the fact that my babies are becoming boys who soon will be asshole men (no way out of that one), burn coming from when he decides preschool isn't really his bag mainly because other kids are there and he is the only child on the planet (that matters). He totally gets that from his dad...
I've gained 10 pounds and start not eating tomorrow because I have a party where I will attempt to bring sexy back...but probably just Scummer will make an appearance and I'll be loud, obnoxious, a severe pain in the ass to other party goers and super fat (not to be confused with Phat).
More money is about to come out of my account and less money coming in, just in time for Christmas...

Hmm, really glad I started focusing on the horrendous events to come...now I'm super depressed (stirs anti-depressant into red wine glass). Just kidding, I'm at work and don't have a glass of red wine...more like chewed up anti-depressant and washed it down with cough syrup.

Drugs are getting a raw deal...

2010-08-06T11:11:00.002-04:00

People start a war on them.
People raid places that house them.
People stash them so their niece/nephew won't steal them.

What did drugs ever do? They are just sitting quietly in your medicine cabinet, old coca-cola tin or bejeweled pill box wanting to make you happy, or help you sleep, or take away the feeling you are going to barf every time you have a family reunion to attend. Heck, they even make some people less annoying. Isn't it people that abuse drugs??? Let's just wipe out the population giving drugs a bad name!
This train of thought got me thinking about the different types of drugs and how they form. Do you know that magic mushrooms sprout from cow dung? Who is all, "let's save cows...cows are so cute and we shouldn't make them into big, juicy, delicious burgers?" The vegetarians! So, I am starting a new war against vegetarians because I think it's obvious they are behind the people abusing drugs...

Copy cat blogger...

2010-07-28T16:53:00.002-04:00

I've noticed there is a rash of blogs where people tell a little about themselves and what made them the way they are today...considering my favorite topic happens to be me and whatever conversation you are having I eventually circle back to me (it's a gift really) I am going to totally copy because originality is exhausting.

Please do not confuse copy cat blogger with copy cat killer, even though Ted Bundy had some really good ideas...

My dad stuck his shaft in a popcorn box at the drive-in back in the 70's and my mom fell madly in love. They were married after my dad un-married his first wife (kinda blew it with that chain of events dad)...they did the horizontal tango and this happened...

I became more and more adorable...

I discovered boys and one chap in particular immediately knew I was going places...

I also discovered alcohol, Felix the Cat, Children's Gardens, Candy Kids and a little group lovingly referred to as The Friday Night Posse...memories were made, brain cells were fried.

This was also when Scummer emerged...my co-pilot who takes the wheel when I'm not going to remember anything the next morning. Many have met her but often times you don't know until it's too late. She bites and she wrestles and she talks too loud and stands way too close. I have a soft spot in my heart for her but my husband does not...mainly because when she shows up it means at the end of the night he will be carrying dead weight from the vehicle to the bed.

Oops, skipping ahead...remember that dude who stalked me in high school...err, I mean, knew I was going places...well, we got hitched. After one engagement fail and a "break" I tricked him into believing that I would be the best thing that would ever happen to him...SUCKER!

He knocked me up...not once, but twice...

If it looks painful, it's because it was...I had one child rip his way out of my vagina (4th degree tear, 100 stitches and the doctor actually mentioned at one point he was rebuilding my sphincter) and the other was surgically removed from my gut....They are wild, in every sense of the word, and definitely all ~~mine~~ my husbands.

I love my girls...

I love beer...

I love boys who dress as girls...

I love supporting chicks through medical school...one dollar at a time...

I love The Hoff...

I love being AWESOME...

and ranting...

and most of all I LOVE LOVE LOVE the Craziness that is MY LIFE...~~most days~~, ~~some days~~, ~~today~~, at the time I wrote this post...

Thanks for being a part of it! For that, YOU ARE AWESOME!

WT"f" book...and other birthday ridiculousness

2010-07-27T10:51:00.001-04:00

We had a birthday bash this past weekend and as I was torching my home and rebuilding it so all my guests would think I was super organized and clean my mom and I came across this in my son's room...

Not appropriate Scholastic...but look at how excited my mom is about it! They were really off on the age range for this book.

We had a water slide at the birthday bash and it didn't take long before some freak nasty adults decided to take the plunge. Beer may or may not have been involved...it was a kid party isn't booze a necessity???

Yes, one of those freaks is me and yes, we are holding hands as we slippety doo dah down to the pool of death (it was scary) and no, children were not harmed or completely mortified during this debacle...at least that is what we are telling ourselves.

It was a good party, my body still hurts from all the good that went down...and apparently my husband and I need to have a talk...

Blind item...it's about poop!

2010-07-19T13:02:00.000-04:00

I have been thinking since I heard this story how I was going to write about it and not completely humiliate the subject matter...hence, we have the blind item. I know this person, hell you might know this person but we aren't going to worry too much with the who, just the what and the how and where we are now...it is not me, please if it were I would totally own it because I live for self degradation.
Picture this, you are in a desolate forest and it is hot...sweat dripping down your crack hot and all of a sudden you feel that gurgle in your gut that says, "Hi, I'm in your guts now but in 2.2 seconds I will travel through your intestine and out your bung hole...ready, set, GO!" You start making your way back to your vehicle in a butt clenching trot hoping to drive to the nearest Johnny on the Spotty (you're an optimist) when it becomes very, VERY apparent that you need to pooh and you need to do it NOW! You rummage through your floor boards looking for anything to handle what is about to escape...used napkins, a random sock from who knows when, a lone baby wipe now dried of it's previous moist state...ANYTHING! You rush into the weeds, hidden from society, and you let it all go. It's just you, a dried baby wipe and the Hershey squirts...and what happens the next day when you wake up?
You have poison ivy...because Mother Nature is a bitch!

Conversation with someone who cares:

You (but not really you, come on people let's follow along) - I had to go, there was nothing I could do!

Me (really me, I'm the one that cares) - So you crapped in their yard?

You - Yes, but I was miles away from civilization. No one will ever know what went down there...

Me - Did you lean up against a tree?

You - No, just got one hell of a thigh work out.

Me - Yeah, I noticed your thighs were looking pretty tone
You - ...and that's how I got poison ivy.
Me - when your bum starts a seepin' poison ivy comes a'creepin' arou-ou-ou-ou-ou-ound

I would like to thank my mom for having bi-polar disorder...

2010-07-16T12:53:00.003-04:00

I won something freak nasty followers!!!! Look at me! I SAID LOOK AT ME!!! (clapping and jumping up and down in excitement but careful not to give myself a black eye Dolly Parton style)! I have been waiting months for someone in blog land and not related or who I am paying for friendship to say, "Hey SumSum, I noticed you and you're kind of funny...you must have some sort of mood disorder" and guess what? Somebody freakin' did!

To check out who currently is in the lead as the President (& also a client) of my FAN CLUB, go here:
http://www.likeshessomebody.com/2010/07/frisky-feedback-friday-winners.html

All you other bitches better step up your game and tell me how awesome I am quick or it is OVER...well, not really, but let's just pretend I am really serious.

I can help get you started. SumSum is awesome because...(you fill in the rest!)

Don't hate the playa...

2010-07-15T13:47:00.002-04:00

I love playing games...mind games, make believe games, pretending I like you when I think you are a total bitch because we work together and I can't tell you to go eff yourself because I don't have another job yet games and now...blogger games. This one comes from two gals who are funny and more importantly like to drink.
I tell you three things, two of which are the truth and one is a lie. You have to guess what is a lie and I tell you which is which next Thursday and you can win a BIG PRIZE! Big Prize = A signed picture of me. See? Isn't this going to be FUN!?!
This is going to be rather difficult as I am pretty sure there are some of you reading that have thoroughly dissected all of the skeletons in my closet and also the fact that I am terrible at keeping my own secrets. Here we go...

I don't "hate" anyone because "hate is murder in the heart"
I have never murdered anyone with my bare hands
I can't stand that people read my blog and don't sign up as a follower and therefore I am only at 20 something people in my blogger fan club. Newsflash people ~ popularity contests didn't end in high school!

Random Tuesday - You smell like rum...

2010-07-13T16:57:00.001-04:00

While driving out to our date night I noticed a cloud that looked just like an alligator so I got excited and said, "oh Todd, look an alligator". He saw it as well and responded, "and you aren't even on drugs..." I am not sure as I am typing that today really how to take that because I haven't done drugs in like a week...kidding family members who read this, it's been more like two weeks and they were all prescribed by a doctor to someone.

The family went to the Expo this weekend (it's a carnival where the freaks come out and not just at night)... Ryser and I decided to ride this haunted house suicidal crate thing that ended up breaking down right in the middle of the ride in the pitch dark. Ryser starts whispering, "mumma, let's get outa here..." Then Crazy Carnie finally emerges and starts to push us out into the light. The whole time he is moaning and making these awful orgasm noises right at the back of my neck with his cheap rum skank breath enveloping me and my innocent son...I am giggling and keep asking, "do you want us to just walk out?"..."are you sure you don't want us to get out?"..."please for the love of God I'm getting drunk from your breath"..."LET ME OFF THIS F'G RIDE!!!!" That last part wasn't said because I don't say F'G in front of my son (on purpose) but none the less he finally released us and we walked out and then Ryser and I got cotton candy to forget about that horrendous experience. Lesson ~ Drunk Orgasmic Carnies are easily forgotten with Fairy Floss...

Right after we ate our cotton candy we went to let the boys ride on this train and the toothless ticket taker said it was off the track...Todd then looked at me and said that if two things are broken it might be a good sign that this isn't the safest family outing...the boys were upset at first until we went through Dairy Queen. That's how we handle family crisis...eat it Dobson!

4th meal...

2010-07-12T10:10:00.003-04:00

If it's 2:25am and you are ordering 8 different menu items at Taco Bell while your spouse is passed out in the passenger seat it probably means 1) you're fat, 2) you must need to crap, 3) you should not be driving. If it's 8:30am that next morning and upon entering the vehicle in which you had the slop fest it smells like Mexico (not the tourist sections) and you locate 3 of the listed 4 soft tacos in the side door and under your seat it probably means 1) you weren't really that hungry to order almost $15 dollars worth of refried bean, 2) you have diarrhea because you did eat the 5 other items listed and 3) you have given up booze once again until the next time you rope your parent and in laws into an overnight visit with your boys.
Might I add that I had never eaten a Mexican Pizza or a Quesadilla from Taco Bell before this caloric debacle. Might I also add that I didn't want a freakin' Chicken Soft Taco, I wanted a Chicken Grilled Stufft Burrito and that was all I was supposed to order and then, well, 8 completely different items happened. That must be how Kate Gosselin felt...

Hugs at work...

2010-07-07T13:48:00.006-04:00

I'm a hugger, habitual if you will...I specifically like touching and hugging people that I know hate to be touched or hugged. I have a certain WOF (work only friend) that cringes every time I rub her arm which makes me want to touch her even more. So I invented B.O.B (boob on boob action). This is the most obscene, unprofessional, and awkward hug you can give someone at work. The next time one of your own WOF's start to complain that they are overworked, underpaid, underappreciated and hate their boss ask them if they need B.O.B. They will then ask, "what's B.O.B.?" Don't you dare tell them...just introduce them accordingly. Walk over to your WOF, go in for a proper hug making sure your boobs are directly on top of their boobs and squeeze. I like to also add a swivel motion, really grinding my boobs into their boobs. Most people upon their first B.O.B. experience will shove you away in embarrassment and disgust but believe me they'll come back for more...they always do. Just today, my WOF shared with me that they had to put their dog down over the holiday weekend and of course I gave her the longest, hardest B.O.B. I could. She said, "Okay, that's enough" several times but I don't let go until I feel it's enough. In fact, the next time I see you, I am going to B.O.B. you so hard it will make your head explode.
Until then...

H.Q.B.I.C. - Random Tuesday

2010-06-29T09:52:00.004-04:00

Friday started out with a random little carpenter ant in my kitchen that was immediately squashed by my super cute black mary jane...then I noticed that this carpenter ant wasn't so random because they were ALL OVER MY FUCKING FLOOR. Like, everywhere! So, I began shuffle ball changing all over my kitchen stomping out the colonized bastards as I'm yelling to my husband, "get the kids...they are everywhere, go get ant killer, oh my gawd they are EVERYWHERE!" My son in the background reminding me, "mom, we don't say Gawd..." He couldn't hear me pronounce the W. I may have squealed at this point I'm not sure and don't judge. What would you have done if you were standing in your kitchen where you make PB&J's in heart shapes for your children staring down one of these...

Those are PINCHERS people!!!! Ready and willing to rip apart my flesh and drag pieces of my sweet skin to their wicked little queen bitch which could totally happen if by some freak accident during my murderous dance routine I fell and cracked my head on the utensil drawer knocking myself clean out. I would lay there paralyzed as they took me bit by bit in a single file line to the one they worship.

Whoa, whoa...settle down there friend. Everything is fine. I sprayed the entire house down with insecticide made special for ants (it said it was safe and had little children's drawings on it to prove that point so it must be true!) The next day I woke up and none of the family had any bites or the beginning of flesh eating disease so all is right with the world...or so I thought. Once my mother heard of Friday's events she begins to explain that these ants will eat my house from the inside out hence why they are carpenters. So, apparently these guys have tool belts and everything and they are in the wood on my home just taking things apart bit by bit and presenting it to their head bitch in charge, the queen of their colony. So, guess who comes today? Terminex you pinching, wood eating, pillaging, flesh eating, dancing mumma murdering bastards!! Who is the Head Queen Bitch In Charge now M'fers!!!! Mwah ah ah...

Backhanded Samaritan...

2010-06-22T09:48:00.003-04:00

This weekend I watched for the first time Pay it Forward. It's a cute little flick about an alcoholic mother (most of us can relate), a deformed face teacher and a son who is going to make the world a better place three people at a time. That really sums up the entire movie so don't put it in your Netflix queue.
This morning, on my way to work and very late as usual I see a young gentleman walking down the side of a rather busy street carrying a gas can with a baby carrier and a very small toddler on a make shift leash. I drive by like everyone else on their morning commute and begin arguing with myself that I should turn around. That stupid movie from the weekend urging me to do something nice for this father. Also how can I as a mother, in good conscience, allow these small babies to be put in harm's way walking down the shoulder of this road? I put on my blinker and make a U-turn. This is when every freaking e-mail I have ever received about the newest gang initiation starts flooding my thoughts...the baby carrier is actually empty but filled with some kind of hallucinogenic drug that will make me pass out and this guy will take me in as a prisoner and make me his Kizzie, or I will reach for the gas can and a hypodermic needle with AIDS blood on it will poke me and I will re-live Philadelphia only I won't have a super hot stud like Antonio Banderas to help me put make-up on my scabs, even worse the guy will ask me to stay with his children while he goes and gets gas and he never comes back and I am then left with two more young toddlers when the ones I have are eating away at my sanity. I pull my vehicle in front of the threesome and ask the obvious, "you need gas?" I suffer from brilliance...he murmurs "yes" and my head is chanting "rapist, rapist, rapist" but I take my chances and grab the gas can and explain I'll go get his gas and for him to take those babies back to his vehicle (which is very well suited for kidnapping a naive 30 something mother of two). Fast forward to my drive back to the car with the full can...I call my husband and explain I am helping some dude with two babies and give him a full description of my future captor and describe the car where I will be held for months putting lotion on my skin and as I'm pulling over I do so in a way so I can give him the license plate number. I get out, preparing for the worst and hand the gas can to the young father. Not wanting to sound entirely corny and say to him "pay it forward" because he must know I just watched the movie and that is most of the reason I am doing this in the first place I instruct him to, "do something nice for somebody else".
There you have it, my first attempt at making the world a better place. Eat that Haley Joel Osment! To the dude on the side of the road, sorry I thought you wanted to kidnap me and make a pretty suit from my flesh. Pay it Forward!

It's been a while...

2010-06-21T09:42:00.002-04:00

This plate directs those that pull behind it to "NVESTIT". Now, I am not an expert on motorized vehicles but if I am going to take financial advice from a license plate I think it should probably be from a car a little more on the expensive side. If this plate was attached to say a Bentley then perhaps I would have arrived at work and immediately revised my 401k portfolio but dude, you are driving a Pontiac GTO. It would be different if this was the GTO The Beach Boys sang about but no, it still has that new car smell you can tell. Maybe I am way off base here and what this guy is trying to say is that instead of pissing his money away on frivolous things like hot rod road hogs he chose to purchase a more feminine, economical, glorified Cavalier. Which leads me to an entirely different topic. Some cars should only be driven by the female population and I am going to add the Pontiac GTO made in a year that begins with a 20 to that list. So, if you consider yourself a manly dude that is single and ready to mingle consider this a free PSA:

1. Pontiac Sunfire - this car is the biggest offender in my book but if yours is purple you might need to turn in your man card or just come out already.
2. Cavalier - the only time you should drive this is if it belongs to the chick you are dating and it doesn't make a difference if you have a garter hanging from the rearview.
3. VW Bug - old school or the newer version with the cute little flower vase on the dash, run away
4. Pontiac GTO that currently still has a warranty
5. Dodge Neon - over sized roller skate, seriously
6. Geo - any make or model and you shouldn't even be able to fit in one unless your last name is Roloff
7. Mini Van of any shape or size and you are not either a) married, b) a dad or c) working at a daycare

So fellas, if you are starting any of the above engines and have hopes of getting laid in the near future you need to place a 'RENTAL' sticker on the side and explain to any potential wifey that your super charged, super manly, hot rod from heaven is in the shop because it keeps breaking down from pure awesomeness.

so now what...

2010-06-16T09:44:00.000-04:00

I have found myself becoming more and more addicted to people and their blogs...I tend to have that addictive personality you hear about on A&E's intervention. It truly is a miracle I never ended up some pimped out junkie. Thankfully, most of my addiction need has been filled by being obnoxious, drinking (that's at least legal) and stalking people I have never or will ever meet. There are some truly brilliant people on the internets. I ask you to visit some of the blogs I follow, you will not be disappointed! I also find that all of these funny people are also walking a fine line between normal and completely out of their fucking minds and that has been very reassuring. I may have even teared up a little reading http://yo-mamasblog.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-post-is-kind-of-serious-i-threw-in.html this morning. Either because I may be having these same emotional issues or I am a giant pussy. Note - I AM a giant pussy not my pussy is giant, thank you very much. So this leaves me with the question of what do I do about it? I'm riding an emotional roller coaster ride to crazy and although I'm safely buckled in I am throwing very sharp objects at the innocent bystanders which just happen to be my sweet family (I am exxagerating a little bit here on the sweet part). I remember one morning, I think I was about 8 or 9 and I awoke to my mom, red faced in anger, screaming at the top of her lungs; "WHERE IS MY FUCKING PIC" (pic-as in hair comb for permed or naturally curly locks). I never used her FUCKING PIC nor did I know where it was but at 6am in the morning I had to now make finding that pic my one goal in life so everyone could calm down. Chanting begins...I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me! Damn you Stuart Smalley! Now, where is my wallet...uh oh.

Fondly ~ SumSum

There's a pity party here, a pity party there, wave your hands in the air, shake your derriere...

2010-06-09T11:59:00.001-04:00

PLEASE NOTE - this is my random Tuesday post but apparently Big Brother and the Inner Party were completely against any illegal trafficking over the Internets yesterday...that, or my time machine just began working and if that's the case here I come Woodstock!!!!!

I don't feel random today...in fact I'm having one of those really awesome days where your mind let's you know that you are getting ready to have your period...have it or release it, I'm not sure the best term but I'm moody and may have cried a couple times just this morning. I wonder if I can get my hands on one of those wire hangers for a back alley hysterectomy. Dear hormonal imbalances, it's not working out...

I drank myself to sleep last night (one fish bowl did the trick so don't worry family, my alcoholic doppelganger scummer is not coming back into town) and never put the load of laundry I had sitting on the couch in the washer. When I awoke this morning and saw the basket of clothes I thought they were clean...needless to say I am wearing A LOT of body spray today.

I am doused in a body spray titled Pure Seduction...The bottle states I'll imagine I am standing in a lush garden of sensual fragrance but to be honest there is nothing lush or sensual about the fragrance I am emitting. This is garbage chic at it's finest people...

The turtle is still alive and I'm actually starting to like the little bugger. He has been the easiest to care for...he doesn't scratch at the back door to go out or whine because he hasn't eaten in a couple of days, will these kids ever give me a break?

We are having a party for my youngest son in July and my mom asked if there was anything I still needed. I shared my list of still needs and then added, "Oh you know what else? I need water balloons!" To which she responded, "I can definitely get those. They have a huge bag of them at the dollar store...they are called water balloons." Yes mom, yes they are...

Fondly ~ SumSum

Am I in 1984?

2010-06-04T09:35:00.001-04:00

Big Brother is obviously keeping a watchful eye on my internet voyages and has certainly sabotaged my afternoon blogging. I don't understand what the big deal is...sure, I am clearly not obeying the electronic communications policy set forth in the employee handbook but it's not like I'm the one knee deep in porn (today). I'm not the one sending love e-mails to the married person I'm having a lucid affair with in another department (yes, that is really happening and it is as juicy as it sounds). I'm not spending 20 minutes 3+ times each day in the handicap stall suffering from wicked IBS (we have code words for when not to enter the facilities; RED=do not enter/PINK=subtle shat scent/CLEAR=proceed with your own dump). I'm not traveling from cubicle to cubicle spreading my halitosis around the entire floor (I really think this person has a serious medical condition and their breath is screaming a warning to deaf ears). I'm certainly not the one sitting at my desk all day picking at acne on my neck and then going into the kitchen to grab cookies brought in for the whole office (no one touched the casserole this person brought in during the Christmas pot luck). I blog and if that's a crime, damn it, sue me but don't fire me because as much as I don't want to admit it I need this gig...at least until Andy Samberg stumbles upon my blog and wants me to write the follow up to Dick in a Box, Twat in a Tote.

Fondly ~ SumSum

How not to make an asshole...

2010-06-01T09:45:00.003-04:00

I have no special instructions on such an accomplishment but rather this is a call for advice. How does one make a boy child turn into a grown ass man without the hole? Don't get me wrong, my guy is better than average (that's in case he reads this) but like most men has random and sometimes extended stays into assholedness. Sometimes I push him to it and some days he just takes the trip there on his own. From what I find 99.9% of women can say the same. Sometimes they are selfish assholes, absent assholes, deaf assholes, worthless assholes, polio ridden assholes, drunk assholes, dumb assholes but all with one thing in common ASSHOLES. So, if it is common knowledge that most (if not all) men are assholes then how do I make sure my sweet little baby boys don't wind up with the same nickname whispered by their wives as she takes another load of laundry up the stairs as he sits and watches UFC 1500? I think it's impossible, all of our sons will wind up being assholes. We won't think they are just like our MIL's don't think their sons are but they will be. So, instead of a call for advice I guess this has progressed into an apology to my future daughter in laws. I'm sorry that you are such bitches that drive my sweet baby boys into assholedness. Maybe if you would serve dinner a little bit warmer next time or rub his feet before bed he wouldn't treat you like the son stealing twat that you are.

Fondly ~ SumSum

Tuesday can suck a big fat...

2010-05-25T11:14:00.001-04:00

It's already Tuesday...hmm, one week closer to death or if you're the positive type another day to live life to the fullest (barf).

I was told back in middle school by a very trusting OUIJA board that I would die at 19 in a car accident. I guess I got one over on Satan because I'm still busting a move in my early 30's...come and get me Lucifer. Something doesn't feel right about taunting the devil...WWJD?

Well, in addition to deflated boobs, rippled belly and peeing a little every time I jump on the trampoline after my two pregnancies I have acquired allergies. I don't know if being pregnant can create allergies but I am going to blame it on my spawn. Those little bastards! My nose is leaking like a broken faucet, I've been sneezing 7 to 10 times a day, and my eyes are itchy and watery. I feel like a freakin' Claritan commercial. Uggh, I want my pre-baby self back only let me keep the babies...although I do pump my fist in aggravation at the things they do driving me to break down and ask the doctor for xanex, I do love the little buggers and think they are awesome! Someday, Ryser and Hudson, when you are reading this that should make your heart smile. You're welcome!

I'm wondering if I buy running shoes I will actually start running...I'll keep asking myself that knowing I will never buy running shoes so I will never start running.

Back to the trampoline...I used to rock the trampoline in my youth and my boys just recently got a trampoline so I finally got on and gave it a whirl. My insides felt as if they were literally going to just fall out of my vagina with each jump. Also, as previously mentioned, I pee myself a little here and there. AWESOME! I'm doing my kegels right now.

Fondly ~ SumSum

The fungus is among us...Random Tuesday

2010-05-18T09:38:00.006-04:00

So, my eye started to itch and leak something fierce yesterday but I didn't think too much of it...I'm dealing with unexplained fevers and being sexually harrased by pediatricians so I don't have time to worry about my oozing cornea. Anyway, I get home and my super concerned and caring husband blasts me as having the plaque and insists I go to the after hours clinic. Great, I'm still scrubbing myself in the shower from the last doctor visit...make my usual long story short I don't have pink eye but it does appear I have a virus in my eye. Yeah, I'll let you rehash that for a minute because if I have a virus in my eye isn't it pink eye???

This picture is kind of like that movie The Ring, now that you've seen it you will have pink eye in 7 days...

That's as random as I can get today because I need to get back to feeling sorry for myself for having pink eye - CORRECTION - a virus in my eye...

Fondly ~ SumSum

House calls are for perverts (aka I miss house calls)...

2010-05-17T12:47:00.003-04:00

So, Ryser ends up coming down with the "unexplained fever" last week that Hudson had the week before but Ryser's lingered without explanation for over four days. So, I called the pediatrician's office and asked the nurse the dreaded, "Should I bring him in?" question so she could reply, "Yes" and I would then have to stop off at the nearest chug and choke corner to make a few extra bucks to afford the copay. Just kidding, I had money left over from amateur night from the T&A showbar. Do you really think I'd roll a couple of johns while my sick, feverish son was watching TMNT in the back seat of the MOMtana. Give me some mf'g credit people.
Anyway, I leave work early and take Ry to the doctor because according to the on call nurse a fever that lasts that long must have turned into a sinus infection. I'm thinking we would walk out of there with some antibiotics and get on with our lives and all would be right with the world again. However, this happened to be the day that Dr. Feelgood was on staff and he was not concerned with making anyone other than himself feel alright.
He talked the entire time in baby talk, to me and to my son. He says, "eaws awe cwean, nose is cwean, throat wooks good...nope, no big bad sinus infection just a weally bad head cold...YUK". Well, I'm pissed because I want to load my kid up on antibiotics and so I ask if we just continue on with the Motrin and Tylenol but not Motrin and Tylenol because they have been recalled again and that is when he rolls his mobile bar stool type seat over to my chair and places his hand on my thigh...my sweet, creamy, very virginal if I were a virgin thigh. I can't tell you what he said after that moment because I was too busy having this conversation in my head...

"Why didn't I flinch when he put his hand on my thigh?"
"Did I flinch?"
"Should he have his hand there?"
"How long is he going to keep his hand there?"
"OMG am I being assaulted?"
"Will they be waiving my copay?"

Fondly ~ SumSum

Stupid Giraffe...Random Tuesday

2010-05-11T12:33:00.005-04:00

I hate the turtle...this animal has already cost more of my time than most humans. I feed it, turn the heating light on and off and fill the water when it gets low. The other day, I was replacing the water with a cup I use for the boys bath and all of a sudden I noticed a film on the top of his water (remnants of no tear shampoo...oops). At first I was going to blame BP and just go on with my life but I couldn't fucking do it!!! So here I am at 6am, when people like Snoop Dog have bitches in the living room gettin' it on, cleaning out the damn fish tank. I want the turtle dead but it can't be by my own hands...I need to let the boys play with it more, perhaps while balancing over sulfuric acid.

Hudson spent most of last week battling an "unexplained fever" because doctor's go to school for all those years and make all that money to give you that kind of diagnosis. I can't wait to pay the bill for that office call. Anyway, so the boys spent a lot of time with grandma and grandpa so I could still bring home the bacon. Ryser comes home on Friday with a gash between his eyes that grandma so nonchalantly referred to as a paper cut. I ask, "Ryser, how did you get that boo boo on your head?" He isn't familiar with the term gash yet...and he responds, "Beau threw a stupid giraffe and hit me in the stupid head" I correct him and explain that his head isn't stupid but high five on the correlation between stupidity and giraffes. Have you ever seen a giraffe do a trick? Exactly...I'm basically raising a genius!

Shirts that cost under $20 should not have dry clean only as a care instruction. You should also not wash said shirt if you liked the way it looked upon purchasing it.

A point to support my "Stupid Giraffe" movement:
- Lions and large packs of hyenas, are the giraffe's enemies.
- A lion can die if kicked by a giraffe.
If a Lion can die by being kicked by a Giraffe then why would it be listed as one of it's enemies? Because Giraffes are stupid...

..and apparently, much like us women, love screwing an ass...POW! I'll be here all night.

Fondly ~ SumSum

My week wrapped in one sentence...kinda

2010-05-06T12:29:00.006-04:00

I put my underwears on inside out today even after making very sure in the dark that they were not inside out.

How stupid I am - they are the silky kind** where it should be very evident that they are inside out.
How even more stupid - I didn't notice the first time I went to the bathroom.
How awesome I am - I left them that way...

Fondly ~ SumSum

**silky does not equal sexy! I don't mess around with sexy underwears because I am happily married.

P.S. I also forgot to put on deodorant but the title is my week in one sentence and I didn't want to blow it.

Just the beginning...

2010-04-30T13:41:00.003-04:00

So smoke up you nicotine junkies because tonight is the last night you can smoke in public in Michigan! I follow Michigan news because any state shaped like a mitt is awesome but I don't live there (haha gotcha stalker). Anyway, so no more Marlboro Reds with your PBR while playing nekkid photo hunt...bummer. Although I'm not a "smoker", I do like to have the freedom to smoke other people's cigarettes after I'm about 3 brews deep at our local watering hole. The fact that I can't do that anymore seems a little unconstitutional. I know most of you are saying it's unconstitutional to have to smell my second hand smoke as I blow it in your face because I'm a close talker when I've been boozing and my response is don't booze at the bar then. I mean come on, the next thing we know is someone is going to tell me I can no longer shake what my momma gave me on the dance floor or I can't talk at unreasonable volumes at a stranger sitting all the way at the other end of the bar. The bar is for drunk ridiculousness not to be all classy and graceful and sweet smelling...I'm telling you right now that this is just the beginning of "the man" telling us what we can do and when/where we can do it even more so than he already does. Today it's smoking...Tomorrow it could be awesomeness and if that happens we all lose.

Fondly ~ SumSum

P.S. I hope for everyone's sake that the cigarette smell wasn't covering up vomit smell all these years or even worse whore breath...

Random Tuesdays...I'm in!

2010-04-27T11:27:00.008-04:00

I hear, in the serious blog world, Tuesday is when you throw up all of your random thoughts. Thank God there is a day for it because I always have random crap in this over sized head of mine...over sized due to genetics and ego, if you were wondering...

So, my son was given a baby turtle from grandpa to hold captive in his bedroom yesterday...I went in there this morning and explained to this tiny little turtle that death is imminent...so sorry Raphael, our temporary teenage mutant ninja turtle.

Do turtles smell? I'm sure ours will...

I never do my hair for work anymore...maybe if I did I would have a better chance at a sexual harassment lawsuit.

I did the dishes last night so that dead, rotting turkey smell is evaporating...if you are confused by this random thought please see previous post.

I am so surprised that Tito Ortiz would ever lay a violent hand on Jenna Jameson...who would ever suspect someone who has made a career out of breaking people's nose or arms and wrestling around in other dudes blood would be a wife beater.

I have to pee. Thankfully I'm not wearing a party cardi because we know how that turns out...

Fondly ~ SumSum

Where I learned about Random Tuesday; http://www.theunmom.com/ Go there and make a friend!

Place dead turkey picture here...

2010-04-26T13:42:00.006-04:00

If there was one I would but no animals were harmed during my supposed weekend of blood lust. Good thing for my husband much of my childhood was filled with empty promises so I didn't lose too many tears over it (sob). No really, I'm okay...the cutting helps.
Instead of murdering game birds with fan-shaped tails and wattled necks I did everything but the dishes and laundry so the house kind of smells like I killed a turkey and left it to rot in the living room...

Fondly ~ SumSum

Contemplating Murder...

2010-04-22T10:00:00.014-04:00

I may shoot a turkey in the head this weekend. Apparently this time of year, if you have ever considered shooting a turkey in the head, you can so I think I'm going to give it a whirl. I don't have murderous tendencies (usually) nor have I ever killed anything (on purpose) but my husband gets a real kick out of murdering animals and I've finally decided to see what all the fuss is about. I guess if I am actually successful in blasting a TOM (that's what male turkeys are called, so don't confuse it with my Uncle Tom because I don't want to murder him) then we will go to random dudes houses and drink beer celebrating the kill.
Doesn't that sound AWESOME? Dress up in an outfit that has tree branches on it, sit on the cold ground as my husband uses a flute like instrument to trick the bird into thinking I'm a horny gobbler, as it enters my sites all hot and bothered I shoot it in the head and then we carry it's dead body around from house to house making caveman noises and drinking beer, after I get my picture taken with it multiple times of course.

Don't worry PETA, if I kill it I'm going to eat it...

"On a similar note I must confess to you, I'm giving very serious thought... to eating your wife." ~ Hannibal Lecter.

Fondly ~ SumSum

What smells like pee?

2010-04-13T14:05:00.005-04:00

There are times in my life when I am quite certain I am paying for the sins I committed in a past life because stuff that happens to me just doesn't happen to good people. In this life, if you were wondering, I am a good person hence why they must be sins from the past.

I'm a bit out of sorts today to begin with because it's my first day back after a very long weekend and they played musical cubicles at the office so I sit in a brand new place then I did 4 days ago. I keep telling myself I got a new job hoping that gets me out of this work place slump but so far that hasn't been successful.

Anyway, I take my morning potty break after my super sized coffee and it is going as you would imagine a potty break would go...sit, spray, smile...then I go to wipe and that is when my life takes the cruel turn it normally does. Today, of all days, I am wearing one of those really hip cardigans that flow longer down in the front...pictured below if you couldn't get a mental pic after my ridiculously awesome description.

Well, guess what was wrapped in the toilet paper that was supposed to be gently dabbing my pink taco????? The freaking flowing part of the stupid cardigan!!!! Did I change it or ask someone to borrow their cardigan for the remainder of the day? Nope, I just rinsed it under hot water in the sink and figured that would be sufficient for work.

I'm super clean...
Fondly ~ SumSum

This is romance...

2010-04-07T12:25:00.004-04:00

Tonight my evil minions are spending the night with grandma & grandpa, aunts and cousins to swim at a hotel. As an obvious result daddy and I get an evening alone. I was thinking to myself that maybe I will get taken on a super hot date...but I was mistaken.

Actual phone conversation:
Me: "So, let's go out to dinner or something since the boys are gone for the night"
*translation - you might get lucky tonight if you play your cards right
Daddy: "Well, I need to grind a stump tonight so you want to do that with me?"
Me: "Sure, that sounds awesome"
*translation - guess I don't need to worry about shaving my legs after all.

Fondly ~ SumSum

Colonel Sanders doesn't care about Jesus...

2010-04-05T13:13:00.003-04:00

My mom was super bummed yesterday. Mostly because if my dad were still alive she would have made Easter dinner. I invited her to the out laws to enjoy the 17 billion kids that birth control made but she "fell sick". Upon my "Happy Easter Mom...how are you...love you" call it was apparent the answer was not going to be, "Super awesome...I love you too" I decided to grace her with my presence and on the way there I thought, "I should take over Easter dinner!" I'll hold for your applause for being the best daughter EVER! What I forgot was that it was EASTER and everything should be closed to celebrate a small piece of Christian history merely referred to as the Resurrection of Christ!!! Lucky for me Colonel Sanders thinks Jesus is just a good topic to argue about at parties and they provided my mom and brother with a bucket for the holidays. AMEN!

Fondly ~ SumSum

ADD in full effect; I could really use the H today...

2010-03-31T09:07:00.003-04:00

There are so many topics flying around this fat head of mine that I've decided to purge them out in one post.

I have recently heard of a perfume fragrance called Vulva, which apparently is bottled pink taco smell. If you want to smell like crotch I will be more than happy to swab mine with a Q-Tip and place my sweet funk on your pulse points for half the price.
I know the Pink Taco is also a restaurant chain in LA but when I say pink taco I am referring to your roast beef sandwich of love, your axe wound of desire, or a favorite childhood reference dibadoo.
What has happened to Rihanna? After Chris Brown cold cocked her in the face she has turned into a real hooch. Example is her latest song, "C'mon Rude Boy Boy, Can you get it up, C'mon Rude Boy Boy, Is you big enough"...Really? I can't wait until Ryser repeats these lyrics in Sunday School. Stick to singing about rain gear!
I am domestically challenged...I can't really cook and cleaning is so foreign to me. I need at least a 45 minute warning before company is coming over and even then our upstairs is completely off limits. A friend passed this website on to me and it might just cure me before I become a topic on that Hoarding show...http://flylady.net/
I did shine my sink (1st baby step at site mentioned above) and I took a picture of it to share here but this morning I was so blinded by the shine I forgot my camera. I guess I have to shine my sink now every night, this flying bitch is already asking a little much...
I don't even watch Dancing with the Stars but I caught the very end last night before LOST and could Kate without her 8 of had a more sour puss look on her face? What more does this chick want from life...your ex-husband is a confirmed douche bag - bonus for you, you popped out 8 kids and someone hooked you up with lypo - that's another bonus and you make millions by placing sticky notes all over your house and demoralizing your partner - triple bonus.
On another note what has happened to 90210 Brenda's face? I bet those witches from Charmed cast a spell on her!!! Karma at work...
I'm still miserably failing at my work's weight loss challenge so I ate a Asiago Cheese bagel to make myself feel better.
I'm thinking about changing my blog's name...
JUST IN - I have received a short term disability claim for an employee and the attending physician's name is Seymour Wiener.

I feel lighter already...this purging thing really does work!

Fondly ~ SumSum

Spontaneous Human Combustion

2010-03-30T13:27:00.010-04:00

Do you believe this can actually happen? If so, I better say my goodbyes now because I am SO HOT RIGHT NOW! Not HOT in the super sexy, every guy wants my cougar claws imprinted in their back kind of way but rather can you begin "the change" at age 32, err, I mean 26!?!

My current state of mind best explained by the great Anne Taintor, if you don't know you need to... http://annetaintor.com/index.html

Fondly ~ SumSum

We need a revolution...

2010-03-26T13:36:00.005-04:00

I've been thinking back to my own childhood and comparing it to what happens nowadays. I'm not saying what was done then was always the right way to go but I also don't remember moms being absolute stress cases. In the examples below of Then vs Now, I think we may need to chill out a little.

THEN - Your mom would leave you in a running, unlocked car while she ran into the store...the grocery store, with a list.
NOW - Let me know when you get custody back of your child for leaving them in a locked car, windows cracked with the alarm set as they watch Backyardigans just so you can scurry to pick up the take out.

THEN - Your child was just a brat
NOW - They have ADD, ADHD, Chemical Sensitivity, Sensory Processing Disorder and the whole family needs to see a therapist

THEN - You attended your parents bowling league night and hung out at the arcade while your mom and pops threw back a couple tall ones.
NOW - You spend $50.00 on a babysitter in addition to the $50.00 you spend on booze

THEN - Hamburger Helper, Macaroni & Cheese, Spaghettios with or without meatballs/hot dog chunks were all healthy, acceptable meals
NOW - You have to grow seaweed in your backyard with compost soil and meat, if consumed at all, should only be a free-range organic turkey that you've adopted through Farm Sanctuary

THEN - Moms drank to take the edge off
NOW - You still drink and also talk to a psychiatrist about your feelings and get prescribed xanex/ambien/anti-depressants and/or do time at a mental spa...

However, in my case, I just blog about it while drinking :)

Fondly ~ SumSum

The good ol' days...

2010-03-23T12:23:00.003-04:00

This is an e-mail I came across today in one of my archive folders (I would like to take a moment and thank God for the ability to archive e-mail as it has saved me numerous times ~ personally and professionally) and it made me laugh so I thought I'd share...
If you are reading it and it sounds very familiar it was probably to you!

4/8/2009
Funny story…wait, disclaimer before funny story – I love my mother in law aka Mumma Sal and she does a lot of great things for us but that still does not change the fact that she might be a little off her rocker…okay, funny story – when Ryser was born he had a blocked tear duct and his eye would get super dry and crusty. Since this was my first baby I did what every other new mom does and blew it out of proportion and constantly worried about it and him going blind and other ridiculousness. I was talking to Mumma Sal about it and she told me to squirt breast milk in it. Yes, you read that right ~ take my boob, aim my nipple in my newborn son’s eye and squirt breast milk in it. You want to know what is even more crazy?? After Todd and I talked about it and tried to confirm if his mom is on a one way trip to nutsville – WE DID IT!!!! I did not take aim to my son’s face with my boobie but I did squirt a little in my medela cup and Todd took a dropper and put some in his eye. All of a sudden Ryser started singing and dancing and stars filled our living room…okay that didn't happen but according to my MIL breast milk can cure cancer so I don’t know if we were expecting that or what. Anyway, we did it – we felt weird about it – it didn’t cure his blocked tear duct, only time did that – and we never did it again. We also promised each other that any advice that was given to us by anyone (but mainly parents) that had to be discussed for any length of time probably wasn’t for us.

See? Wasn't that totally worthy of a blog post? Now, sit very still because my boob milk might get rid of that zit on your forehead...

Fondly~ SumSum

You probably shouldn't admit that...

2010-03-19T16:39:00.004-04:00

I am definitely crazy. Not the "oh she is so much fun! Woot Woot!" kind of crazy but the off my rocker, ordering a size medium jacket in the style of straight, crush up some lithium and put it in my lemonade kind of crazy. I also realize I am not alone. What's that about misery and company? Guess what?!? Crazy likes to throw a party and you are all invited...

The topic on my fave talk radio show this morning brought this diagnosis to my attention as they were talking about random flashes of thought that come to you out of nowhere. Sometimes they are violent, sometimes they are frightening and sometimes they are just weird or stupid. One of the DJ's said he has them all the time while the other morning crew were quick to point the finger and say, "That's not normal...YOU ARE CRAZY!"

Well, the random flash of thought he was describing I have experienced, and then some. The one he shared was running someone over with his vehicle and just the fact that if he decided he wanted to run over someone he could because we have that power, we just choose to not flatten an unsuspecting pedestrian with our car. Yeah, I've had that thought. I'm not running over anyone in particular out of anger just get lost in the thought of what if...as an accident...some I know what you did last summer shit went down, what would I do? Then they opened the phone lines for other people to share their random crazy flashes of thought and that is when I made the conclusion everyone is crazy and most just ignore it and/or deny it. This gal phones in and she shares how sometimes she thinks how easy it would be to snap her Chihuahua's neck...she doesn't want to snap her pet's neck but the thought has crossed her mind that it could be done and with little to no strength needed on her part. She was chased away by everyone on the radio show calling her a murderer. Hence why when you have these thoughts you probably shouldn't admit them.

But no one can tell me what to do so I am going to share a few of my sometimes violent, sometimes frightening and sometimes just weird and stupid flashes I have in hopes you say, "Me too!"...but I think more so you'll shake your head in sorrow and crush up that lithium...

Driving my truck off a cliff on I-75, usually followed by the thoughts of what I have leftover in take out wrappers in the back seat in case I am stranded for days...you know how desolate I-75 is??? (I never said these had to be realistic)
Dropping a newborn (on accident, geez!!!!)...this one popped up after I had Ryser, I think I had the vision a million times of me dropping him on the marble table or on concrete. It was so vivid it made the hair on my neck stand up.
Slapping someone in the face, specifically people that are staring and you catch them and when you smile at them they look away - what if I just walked up and smacked them for being rude?
Running over someone, as mentioned previously...I also think if I would bounce in my vehicle as if I were in a dune buggy.
Smothering Todd with a pillow...haha, just kidding Todd. If I kill you I won't get your life insurance.
The boys falling through the ice and chasing them through the ice but not being able to get them ~ this is a seasonal flash
Disappearing...instead of getting off at exit 108 just keep driving and look for that awesome wig J-Lo found for her disguise in "Enough" so no one could recognize me
Ghost, Goblins, stupid Bloody Mary...I can freak myself out in seconds in the dark
My absolute favorite and something I hope does come true someday ~ living on the road, no address, no destination...just me & Woody in our Winney.

Fondly ~ SumSum

Liar Liar Pants on...Wait! Where are my pants?

2010-03-16T13:02:00.003-04:00

Here is a list of totally awesome things that may or may not have happened to me in the past week.

I may or may not have won $1,253.00 on keno
I may or may not have had a lice scare that caused the entire family to be drenched in lice killing maybe autism causing lice killer shampoo
I may or may not have told the neighbor to please call the pound if my dog gets out of the yard again
I may or may not have made spaghetti
I may or may not be required to pay the state approximately $400 because of a faulty head light
I may or may not have seen an extra marital affair happen right before my eyes at my day job
I may or may not have visited the 'We Po Grocery Sto' in hopes to live on a smaller penny
I may or may not have gone to Huckleberry Junction

There you have it! One week of totally awesome things that may or may not have happened. They might all be true or they might all be false...that's only for me to know. Well, me and Drop Dead Fred.

Fondly ~ SumSum

P.S. I'm buying time until I can write something really witty in the next couple days...I'm a full time working mom with a part time sleep habit so give me a break you Frappe drinkers from the north!

Mama said Knock You Out!

2010-03-05T11:18:00.012-05:00

Before I really get started I love that song by LL Cool J! Another LL song I miss, Around the Way Girl...you know it; "I want a girl with extensions in her hair, Bamboo earrings, at least two pair, a Fendi bag and a bad attitude, that's all it takes to get me in a good mood" LOVE THAT SONG!!! You can thank me later for getting that stuck in your head for the rest of the day...at least it's not "Diddy" again, right Sissy?

So, back on topic...it's Groundhog Day or Week actually around the house. We are once again getting bad behavior reports from our childcare provider. For those of you who don't know, we went through this same thing last November when we had to leave an awesome preschool/daycare because of biting, among other things. Now the biting has subsided and has been replaced by everything but, i.e. pushing, hitting, kicking, punching, the list could continue but I think you get the point. Now, maybe my 3 year old is the next Muhammad Ali and someday I will look back on these beat downs and say, "Ahhh" but right now I am saying, "Uggh". I have no vision of him being a professional fighter. Based on what I know so far if he is going to be a professional anything it will be a dancer, a celebrity impersonator or a comedian (or a contestant on RuPaul's Drag Race, but let's hope not...no offense to my gay followers ~ as Kathy Griffin would say, "I love The Gays!").

Here he is impersonating one of the dancers from Fame and a Fendi bag sales representative.

To be quite honest, this kid is hilarious. He already holds one of the top spots of funniest people I know and at 3, that's like the Albert Einstein of comedy. So, why the dark side? Well, I attribute it to a Smokey Robinson & the Miracles song...Tears of a Clown (I am all about songs today). You can't be true to the comedy craft unless you suffer from bi-polar disorder, depression and struggle with some sort of aggression issues. If a few kids need to get smacked down so I someday retire and live in a cabana in Fiji thanks to his success...so be it!

Fondly ~ SumSum

I have one thing to say, sashay shante...

You're awesome and I don't care.

2010-03-03T15:38:00.004-05:00

Today I posted the following as a facebook status:
"Weight loss challenges are so stupid, unless you are actually losing weight. What? There are bagels in the kitchen...Yes, please!"

Now, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to conclude that I'm probably not doing very well in this weight loss challenge. In fact, I'm doing down right awful and riding the roller coaster of weight that I have become a permanent fixture on since about February 2006.

So someone please explain this comment to my status:
"We r doing the biggest loser contest at my work. I went to weigh in yesterday morning and a staff member offered me a doughnut. I told her I had to weigh in. She said, have one after! I didn't! Guess that's why I'm in the lead right now!!"

No offense to the person that decided that was an appropriate comment to my 'I am a huge fat ass who is failing miserably at my work's weight loss challenge' status but fuck you (sorry to my underage readers)! I could give a rat's ass that you are in first place...I'm not! I don't need you getting all high and mighty on me about donuts! Guess what? I would have not only eaten the donut but went back when no one was looking and eaten another one and then taken one for lunch. I guess I better stop doing that so I can be in first place like you. You're an idiot! Way to kick someone while their down. I am seriously contemplating removing you from my friend listing. In fact, I think I'm cleaning my entire friend list of anyone who has ever won a weight loss challenge all while I eat a dozen donuts.

Fondly ~ SumSum

Not Blonde??

2010-02-25T11:41:00.004-05:00

A few months ago I noticed this little blonde strand that was peeking through my voluptuous brunette head of hair. I have thinner hair then that Barbie you shaved in kindergarten so voluptuous is not an honest statement but it's my blog and if I want voluptuous hair in my recollection so be it. I pull it and in that swift tug memories come flashing back to me of when I used to pull my dad's blonde hairs, only then the color used to describe these hairs was grey! "Stop it Summer! You don't have grey hair yet! it's just some random blonde hair that is growing and you've never noticed it before." (that's me talking to myself, it was out loud too) My mom always said my hair was sandy brown so it is completely feasible to believe that I have blonde strands here and there.

Earlier this week I find myself again stroking my long, voluptuous, sleek and satin brown locks (my blog, remember?) when there is another pesky blonde strand! This time I wedge myself as close as I can to the bathroom mirror and I begin what would appear to a mere stranger as a lice bug inspection. I have to get to the bottom of this hair color changing mystery! Could this be Vitiligo of the hair? Am I some medical oddity and the masses will label me a liar as my hair slowly changes from brown to blonde right before every one's eyes (I feel you MJ)?????

My fingers sweep through my scalp as I see another one and another one and another one. THEY ARE EVERYWHERE and they are not blonde...

Fondly ~ SumSum (or soon to be GramGram if I don't get to the hair dresser)

Thursdays with Mamaw aka MeeMaw aka MeeMee

2010-02-22T14:08:00.008-05:00

I have a severe case of the Mondays! Not to mention I am only wearing about 11 pieces of flair today! That's from a movie, I have a bad habit of that, sorry. I don't need to wear flair at my job but bet your ass if I did I would have well over the 37 pieces required because who doesn't want to cover themselves in flair??? Moving on...it's ADD and I suffer greatly...still moving.

Last Thursday I received a call from a 941 number which I am well aware is a Florida area code. I answer and I'm excited because I have plenty of people in Florida it could be and the suspense is killing me..."hello" silence "hello" click. It was a dirty prank caller. So much for that fun, who is calling me from Florida game. Sometime later my phone rings again and it's that same 941 number. Oh boy, am I going to lay into whoever is on the other line...."HELL - oooo?" See how I am already giving it to the person on the other line!?! They are in for it!!! Mysterious caller on the other end responds "Summer?" Now you need to say that with a southern drawl and your voice needs to elevate tone as you say it, you're trying it and you almost have it (my cousins know exactly how it sounds). Jesus, Mary and Joseph! It's my Mamaw aka MeeMaw aka MeeMee (depending on who you are & your age, this is what my family calls our Grandma). I'll stick to Mamaw (prononced ma'am + aw) for the purpose of this story.

I wasn't letting her off the hook, she totally hung up on me not less than 20 minutes ago. "Mamaw? Why are you pranking me?" I had to say this about 3 times and I still don't know if she understood what the hell I was talking about but finally I said, "you hung up on me when you first called???" She laughs, "Oh yeah, I had to use the bathroom and if I don't go when I have to...(trails off)" I explain I piss myself sometimes just with a cough or a sneeze, I didn't say piss...this is my Mamaw I'm talking to for goodness sakes I need to have some manners. So that began my 35 minute conversation with my Mamaw. I don't believe I have ever talked to my Mamaw on the phone for more than 2.5 minutes. I also don't believe I have ever been on the receiving end of a phone call. Our conversations have never ventured from the obligation birthday, mothers day, my parents said I needed to or else calls. However, I have her number saved now because I am going to call her every Thursday to get lost in her world.

In that 35 minute phone call my Mamaw hit on about every topic that you could possibly imagine and I will list most of them here after a quick snapshot of the woman who is known as Mamaw aka MeeMaw aka MeeMee. She has been married to the same guy for over 70 years (I don't know for sure but 70+ seems like a damn good guess). She has had 9 kids, who all have kids and those kids are having kids (that's a lot of damn people). She has been pregnant a total of 81 months in her lifetime and she is as big as a minute (that phrase means she is skinny meanwhile I've only had two kids and my gut looks like a sad, deflated balloon). She has buried 2 of her children and never should a parent have to do that, this topic is actually on my next meeting agenda with God, and she has not completely separated herself from the world because of it. She will be the first person to tell you you're thinner/fatter than the last time she saw you. She will wear head to toe burgundy and when you ask why she is all dressed up she will say verbatim, "this old thing". She will wrap herself up in a fleece blanket at an outdoor function while the temp teeters at 80 degrees. There is plenty more but I can't be here all day so let's get back to the conversation...

She tells me in 35 minutes:
~ My Papaw (yes, that is what we call our grandpa and no, it's not aka PeePaw or PeePee just plain Papaw for everyone) isn't ever home and at the time of our call he was murdering wild boars...this hits home for all of us hunting wives cuz guess what? Even when our husbands are in their 90's they will still find an excuse to get out of the house and away from us.
~ Her floor was as clean as a dance floor...I'm not sure the cleanliness of a dance floor but I take this as her floor is pretty clean, or not?
~ My Uncle Buddy is super clean and a very good boy...for all of my aunts and uncles that read this; better step up your game because looks like Buddy is in the numero uno spot
~ She made black eyed peas for dinner (I just like to dance to them) and spilled them all over the floor...guess who cleaned them up? #1 son Buddy
~ She offered Buddy dinner but he had a tuna sandwich in his car that he would eat at the ball game
~ Her best friend died and she got all of her clothes because her husband said it was what her BFF would have wanted
~ Every time she puts on an outfit now Papaw asks, "Was that your BFF's?"
~ One night dancing Papaw spun her too hard on her bad arm it made her throw up, Papaw offered no sympathy...see girls, some things never change
~ She is too old to dance anymore
~ She is not too old to still dance...she obviously forgot that she had said earlier she was too old to dance and as far as I'm concerned you are never too old to dance...

So Mamaw "I Hope You Dance" and I also hope you remember I'll be calling you this Thursday so get your bathroom break out of the way...

This is my Mamaw trying to escape a photo of her in a fleece blanket in 80 degree weather...I don't lie people!

Fondly ~ SumSum

Followed next by a check and a note...that last night was dope!

2010-02-17T12:32:00.004-05:00

I have always known this about myself but it has truly become clear to me after my Friday night with John Mayer. Yes! John "racial slurring, motor boat loving, homo make out, possible drug addict if Jessica Simpson were coke" Mayer. I don't care what the dude says, he has become ridiculously sexy over the past couple years and I am quite certain his song, Your Body is a Wonderland was written for me and about me. Granted my 'Wonderland' resembles that of the Old Mine Ride at Cedar Point but a Wonderland just the same...anyway, I'm getting off topic.

My name is SumSum (Ms. SumSum if you're nasty) and I am a one night stand friend. Hi SumSum! Now don't get it twisted, I'm not sharing my precious taco of love with these strangers. I am merely giving them, for one night only, my friendship. It usually goes down like this...I begin chatting up some random person within the group but not part of the group or maybe just sitting near us. We laugh, we cry, we dance, at some point we hug (I'm a lover) and by the end of the night we have exchanged e-mail addresses, phone numbers and perhaps even requested facebook friends as well as made plans to hang out again and SOON! "Let's not just say it, let's really do it!" Direct quote made by me a million times!

The sad truth of the matter is I will never see nor speak to this person again. We won't meet for dinner or drinks, we won't hang out next weekend and we will never go on your annual summer canoe trip. We created a spark and for that one night we were friends, really great friends, with so much in common and such promise to truly become a BFF item but let's not tarnish our memories of each other by extending that friendship past that one night.

So, there you have it...I'm a whore for friendship!
Fondly ~ SumSum

One of my many one night stand friends, I don't even remember her name ~ Kid Rock 2009

Xanex? Check!

2010-02-11T13:16:00.007-05:00

I've been feeling a bit of anxiety regarding this follow up to my last post. I guess there are a large number of you still chuckling from my despair...how dare you! Might I remind each and every one of you that at one time you also pissed and shit your pants? Yeah, so soon you forget sitting and smelling so pretty in your glass house...Granted you probably haven't crapped yourself since the toddler years but you still did! Judge not lest ye be judged...

How about a 4 pound weight loss after my P&P (poop&puke) week from hell? Beat that suckas! I'm ready to throw on a pair of hot pants and a halter and grind on some douche bag with a blow out (just kidding Todd!). Thankfully everyone seems to be on the mend but it definitely worked its way in and out (not the burger joint) of the whole family. If I could have fit into a Pampers size 5 I would have been a lot better off, that's for sure.

So, here we are P&P free and heading into Valentine's Day 2010! I wish I could say that on that day I'll emerge from bed to the sweet smell of french toast with a Jane Seymour Open Heart Collection necklace placed around my neck and homemade cards lining the night table from all of my boys but that is why I began with "I wish". In fact, I'll eat a whole roll of paper towel if anything other than the following takes place...

6am - Hudson starts wailing from his crib
6:05am - Todd and I are both still pretending to be sleeping to see which one is going to get out of bed and get Hudson
6:10am - still pretending to sleep
6:15am - I mutter, "you want to get him?", Todd sighs, I sigh, Hudson still crying
6:17am - I dramatically throw off the covers and stomp loudly through our bedroom and go get Hudson
6:19am - Try to lie down on the couch with Hudson and see if I can trick him into falling back to sleep
6:25am - wake up from that super refreshing 6 minutes of nodding (sarcasm people) and start the day
8:00am - Todd and Ryser come downstairs and I say "Happy Valentine's Day!"
8:01am - Todd gives me that "oh shit it's Valentine's Day" look

Fast Forward to Monday...

6pm - arrive home from work and flowers and a card is awaiting me.

In all fairness, Todd won't be getting a Jane Seymour Open Heart Collection necklace either...

Fondly ~ SumSum

My absence explained...

2010-02-08T16:42:00.006-05:00

I am about to share what quite possibly could be one of the worst days ever. So, if you think you are having a bad day you can read this post and say to yourself, "nope, definitely not as bad of a day as SumSum had on February 3, 2010" because on that day...
I SHIT MY PANTS!
You are laughing and perhaps crying and you think I might be lying but unfortunately I am not! Here is exactly what went down or in my case out...
Huddy Bear went on a puking and crapping extravaganza the beginning of the week. I was naive to think that it was just something he ate and would be a simple 24 hour bug and we would move on with our lives. This is when I'm reminded that my life sucks and it was a full fledged stomach flu (special thanks to the flu shot that apparently does nothing). I make my sweet baby boy a doctor's appointment and we head off on that fateful winter day on February 3, 2010.
I grab a primo parking spot at the pediatricians office (YES!) and get out of the vehicle to remove my precious cargo when I let out what I perceived to be just a little toot. This is when I'm reminded AGAIN that my life sucks and that toot had a little something extra, it was a stage 5 shart (shit + fart for those who are unfamiliar with the term). OH NO!!! What am I going to do?? I have a sick child crapping and puking, who had not urinated all night long, I have a front row parking spot and a doctor's appointment in 0.2 seconds. So, I take off my coat and wrap it around my waist and hope for the best...the best being it has not seeped through my jeans. I walk into the doctor's office with what feels like a massive, hot pink neon sign over my head flashing "POOPY PANTS" and announce our arrival to the front desk gal.
I am sure I was walking like a person who had been horse back riding for 17 days prior to our doctor's appointment because in case you have forgotten, I have shit in my pants.
Huddy and I make a B-line for the very public, pediatrician's office restroom so I can assess the damage. I am removing my jeans - thank goodness, no liquid brown stain and then I remove my underpants (I would call them panties but let's be real, they are covered in diarrhea and there is no need for sexy undergarment terms at this juncture) and it looks as if small children have used them to strain out their sand castle mud pies. I just keep saying over and over to Huddy Bear, who at the same time I have been trying to prevent from touching anything in this restroom, that this is quite possibly the worst day ever. I take my, now brown, underpants and wrap them up with toilet paper as you would a maxi pad and throw them away. I severely wipe my bum raw with baby wipes, wash my hands in scalding hot water and then douse both myself and Huddy with anti-bacterial (and I guess I was hoping anti-shitting) lotion. I emerge from the restroom and now my hot pink neon sign is flashing "I'M NOT WEARING ANY UNDERWEAR" with a smaller sentence underneath "because I just shit in them".
So there I sat with my sweet, sick child who had truly no idea how disgusted he should be with me as I'm sweating bullets and clenching my butt cheeks together...worst day ever!

Fondly ~ SumSum

Too easy...

2010-02-01T12:48:00.008-05:00

Since the day I came into contact with WSKYGAL it seems that everywhere I look there is a vanity plate. I came across this one on my commute to work last week and I have been dying to write about it since...

Let me take you to the place I was when I came across this vehicle, obviously Square Lake and I-75 but I mean my mental place. It's around 8am or after since I'm chronically late to everything and I have been in the vehicle for over an hour. It's cold, it's raining and I'm pissed (this is usual for any weekday). Just at the moment where I usually start cussing because some nimrod is trying to cut in front of the long line of cars already going straight (the right lane ends and a lot of people miraculously forget that every day) I pull behind this vehicle.

The plate says FUNLOVN...you might think that what happened next is a song about everlasting love began playing on the radio and I started counting my blessings in life. That, my dear friend, is when I tell you we need to get together more because this took my already pissy mood to an all new level.

First off, you are driving a Chrysler Town & Country so I can pretty much say in all honesty there is nothing fun about your lovin'. In fact, I'm almost positive that any lovin' coming from the driver of this mini-van (let's be real and call it what it is) is strictly out of necessity to shut up her husband.

Second, this vehicle was packed with kids, JAM PACKED. So, if she were feeling fun or loving she has Dr. Feelgood on speed dial and I might need to meet her.

Third, if by some slim chance in hell this quack really is the fun loving bitch she states to be it's not necessary to advertise it. I don't want to read on your license plate that your life is awesome because I've been in my f'g car for over an hour and dropped my poor children off to be raised by someone else for the majority of the day and I need to pay my mortgage this week. Screw you and the Town & Country you rode in on...

Finally, I find happiness in believing that people who do have to advertise their happiness or update their facebook status on a daily basis about how great their life is in every way are truly messed up...so I am still better than them because I admit I am off my rocker and I'm taking my whole family along in my roller coaster of crazy. So in this pissing contest, I piss further and mine is more yellow (I need to drink more water).

Let's get real, embrace your psycho...

Fondly ~ SumSum

Blood, Sweat, Tears

2010-01-27T09:23:00.005-05:00

Do you like things that people make with their bare hands while nude in a fit of rage??? Well, then go to this blog and follow the simple rules listed because you can win, YES WIN, one of those very things (pictured below, I know it's AWESOME)...

http://tinkerdotdesigns.blogspot.com/

I am not really sure if she is nude or having fits while she makes these beautiful things but I am sure these works of art are made with her bare hands and they do come from her beautiful mind. BEWARE ~ her talent will make you question what you are doing with your life.

By the way, to win something means you'll get it for free if you are chosen. So, as most of you are probably aware we all can't be winners. If at the end of this giveaway you are shedding tears of dissapointment then go to her shop on Etsy.com and buy something, you cheap skate!
(follow this link http://www.etsy.com/shop/tinkerdotdesigns?ga_search_query=tinkerdot&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_page=&includes%5B0%5D=tags&includes%5B1%5D=title)

P.S. if the canvas doesn't make you want to enter her giveaway then please just enter in hopes that in doing so she forgives me for all the times I made her dance and lip synch to Wilson Phillips.

Fondly ~ SumSum

Better Luck Tomorrow...

2010-01-25T16:48:00.003-05:00

I only have time to say these few things:

I already miss Jersey Shore.
I can't believe Ronnie and Samantha are not going to be together forever.
Snookie has no upper lip and it bugs the shit out of me.
I want to meet one person who does not think "The Situation" is the most feminine straight dude they have ever seen. Did you see how he talks on the phone and the faces he makes??? Total girl!
MTV has offered the original cast a $10k signing bonus AND $10k an episode (this was after they did not accept $5k an episode) for a Jersey Shore Season 2. There will be 12 episodes so they would each look at banking $130k for occupational duties like hanging out in a hot tub filled with semen, getting black out drunk, boardwalk wrestling and my absolute favorite and quite possibly my life calling BEATING UP THE BEAT. I do this stuff for free! Someone from MTV needs to f'g call me!

Fondly ~ SumSum or my Jersey Shore name SumFunBuns (I just made that up...)

Really?

2010-01-22T12:08:00.006-05:00

I don't know if you can quite make out this genius idea for a vanity plate but it states WSKYGAL. Now, I know what you are thinking...how clever must one be to blatantly advertise their alcoholism on something like their license plate. I KNOW!!! I have been kicking myself that I don't have my own vanity plate...something along the lines of ILUVMETH or IMHIGH maybe even MESOHORNY (too long?).
So WSKYGAL, I hope you enjoy your next serving of alcoholic beverage distilled from fermented grain mash and good luck with the next DUI you f'g moron.
Side note - That really happened!
Disclaimer - I do not do meth, nor get high on any substance other than life and I'm never horny.

Fondly ~ SumSum

T.O.M.

2010-01-21T12:32:00.000-05:00

Ahh and so it is explained...my ability to hear dead people, the emotions that have ensued from said experience and then my morning of anger/tears with a side of cramping is a sure tell that Aunt Flo is coming to visit. What? You haven't been chomping at the bit to know my menstrual cycle? That's not what I heard...

Anyway, to all you lasses that have a period on the same day every month without fail for a few short days and then are able to move on with life...screw you. My little friend comes whenever it wants and sticks around for however long it sees fit (weeks people, freakin' weeks). It's kind of like my toddlers, it irritates and pokes at me and takes me just to the point where I might lose my mind and then it backs off. They all come from the same place so isn't the connection ironic? This misery is all thanks to an alien implant I have in my arm to keep babies away. Sorry Catholics! Let me just tell you...I'm about ready to go to the ol' trusty pull out method and we know how well that works.

Exhibit A (that's a brand new Huddy Bear who will have his own post someday when he takes a break from eating)

I still stand by the fact that sweet baby was conceived through my belly button. Yes, it was a miracle! I also blame a dear friend of mine that "accidentally" got pregnant around the same time. You know how your cycle sometimes starts to copy someone that you are spending a lot of time with? Well I think that happened to me only my body decided instead to copy her fertility. Thanks a lot, and yes I'm talking to you Myers! That's why we can't hang out anymore...

Fondly ~ SumSum

Haley Joel Osment or John Edwards???

2010-01-20T15:08:00.001-05:00

Hi avid blog reader...this is going to be a little different than previous blogs but I believe everything happens for a reason and now the reason is to write about it in this blog. How's that for full circle?

Last night I was in the moment where I am sleeping but still awake...hazy, total relaxation, just on the edge of really dozing off into a slumber of beauty when I hear my dad's laugh. I HEARD IT! Somewhere in my mind or in my heart, I'm not sure where really. Although I was in that suspended state I knew I had to hold on as long as I could because maybe, just maybe, I could make it happen again.

For those of you who don't know me and are reading this, my dad is dead. He died this past August and I watched it happen. It was years in the making but time never prepares you for a loved ones end days.

This is my dad and Ry Guy (my crazy oldest son who hasn't yet been properly introduced but more on him at a later date)~

I willed and willed to just hear his laugh one more time as I laid so still in that in between state of reality and dream but it didn't happen. I have been talking to him since the day he left and I always thought I would hear his answers but I never do. Actually hearing him last night was upsetting and comforting. It was upsetting because I miss that laugh but comforting because maybe he isn't sitting around waiting to give me an answer to my latest stupid question. I have solace in knowing that where he is, he is laughing...and maybe he is reading my blog. :)

Fondly ~ SumSum

Am I hateful?

2010-01-19T11:30:00.000-05:00

I barfed today during lunch...no, not because I am trying out the new anorexia/bulimia diet that's all the rage in Hollywood but because I read this article...

12 Things Men Really Find Romantic
If you have been kicking yourself to reignite the spark with your husband/boyfriend/that dude that only calls after the bar is closing...go ahead and click on the link...I dare you!

http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlerb.aspx?cp-documentid=17108232

However, teetering on whatever plagiarism legalities I may be facing with RedBook I am going to share with you some of my favorites and what I really think of them.
(side note - I am happily married and I do like my husband but I am also a realist)

1. Dress up for him
I have two toddler boys, my outfit needs to be ready for any catastrophe. Last I checked stilettos aren't the best footwear to run after my 3 year old when he decides to dart out into traffic. You want romance? I just saved our child from being plowed over by a mini van. I love you.

2. Touch him all over, all the time
I like to dig at the occasional black head on his back, if that's not sexy I don't know what is.

3. Give him a night out with the boys - no strings attached
Are you kidding me? You don't have to say that twice. The only way I'm going to be able to finish Slumdog Millionaire is if he gets out of the house hence allowing me to touch the remote.

4. Show up at his office
There is only one good reason to show up at his office and that is to make sure he isn't getting chummy with the secretary. My husband doesn't have an office and the closest thing he has to a secretary is the waitress at Leo's and guess what, I'M WATCHING YOU!

5. Make sex with him an event
Newsflash - if we are having sex it is an event! You want a little extra? Here is a sparkler...

6. Tell him a secret
I do, all of the things you all tell me not to tell anyone. BUSTED!

7. Slow down dinner
If we slow down dinner, then we extend the time the kids are up which means my bedtime is pushed later. Eat, kiddies baths/bed, relax and repeat the next day.
Tired Mommy = Mommy Dearest

8. Do a sexy little bump and grind striptease
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Fondly ~ SumSum

Ravioli brings all the boys to the yard...

2010-01-18T16:12:00.000-05:00

All this time I thought it was milkshakes but apparently I was wrong. I post one recipe on my blog and what happens??? I get another follower, granted it's not a boy and it might be another cousin but I'm counting that shit as success.

On another note, I don't cook and I'm not really great at cleaning up after a meal either so I don't think posting recipes will be my key to blog fame. To tell you the truth, I'm not in this to be famous I just really like talking about myself...hahahahahahaha, that's bullshit (I'm speaking of the not wanting to be famous part, the love affair I have with all things me is absolutely true).

In fact, I'm thinking about somehow changing my nationality to Italian just so I can have a shot at Jersey Shore season 2...if MTV gets one look at my fist pumping skills and my ability to take a punch from New Jersey Elementary School gym teachers I'm on that show faster than you can say mozzarella.

I need to work on NOT pointing my finger as I beat up that beat...and not being seated might work more in my favor as well.

Fondly~SumSum

I'm eating lunch...

2010-01-14T13:10:00.000-05:00

So I'm not sure if I'm going about this whole thing in the appropriate fashion...this all seems so egotistical to me, which is very fitting for my personality but how will I ever get any followers who 1) aren't my cousin (I love you Jenni and your Tinkerdot Designs) and 2) care about what I have to say. I can't stand this pressure.
Shall I start posting recipes? If so, I'm eating Ravioli made by the infamous Chefboyardee.

1-Buy can from your local supermarket that does not go by the name Whole Foods
2-Open can (which is so much easier nowadays thanks to the pop can tops)
3-Place in bowl (this part can be messy depending on how you like to release the ravioli from the can, use extreme caution...I'm wearing some of my ravioli so I do not suggest using the bottom taparoo method aka the heinz glass ketchup bottle method)
4-Microwave for 2 minutes (times may vary depending on your old ass microwave)
5-ENJOY!

Let's see if the people start to flock to my blog now!!!
ding, ding, ding, ding (that's what a dinner bell sounds like) Come & Get It!!!!!

Fondly~SumSum

I said that!?!

2010-01-13T18:10:00.002-05:00

Things I like to do but shouldn't admit liking or doing:

Talk about people behind their back
Go to that same person and reference something that was said while practicing #1 in a nice/funny way so they would never think I talk about them
Have pretend arguments with someone that has pissed me off while getting ready for work and say everything I want to say but can't because of certain policies and procedures or society rules, smile at them later that day
Grocery shopping alone and coming home and acting as if it was the worst experience ever so I may continue to get my alone time at the grocery store
Call little people midgets

TBC...

Fondly~SumSum

I knew this was going to happen...

2010-01-12T17:11:00.000-05:00

I get this great idea, hey start a blog to feed my writing addiction, but as with most things in my life I start it and then it is left on my bedroom floor in a heaping pile waiting to be found for months, hell years. I can't commit to save my life (this coming from someone in a 16 year relationship) but perhaps if I give myself some GD goals to this thing called 'blog' I'll keep up on it. So here it goes...I SumSum, promise SumSum to write once a day a story about my (SumSum's) day/life/make believe land in which I control midgets with mind candy. The outcome being preventing the soon to be stalkers lurking at the corner to even need to stalk me because everything you need to know is here. SumSum, I agree.
Well, now that is out of the way...I'll see you followers (or extreme lack thereof, meaning NONE) tomorrow. This same time and same channel...
BTW, I just found on that watchdog site that a dude lives in my subdivision that likes child porn...looks like my boys won't be running the neighborhood with their nuggets hanging out anymore. WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO!!!!!
Fondly~
SumSum

Here it goes...

2009-10-08T14:19:00.000-04:00

This is all new to me but I've been wanting to give it a whirl for quite some time now. See, I'm one of those folks that can't shut their brain off (or their mouth for that matter) EVER. This will be my canvas to unload my mental diarrhea in hopes that you laugh, cry and perhaps Hallmark will want me to write greeting cards for them (it's a small dream). Welcome to my life...and in the words of a true procrastinator I will really start this tomorrow.