ADD in full effect; I could really use the H today...

There are so many topics flying around this fat head of mine that I've decided to purge them out in one post.

• I have recently heard of a perfume fragrance called Vulva, which apparently is bottled pink taco smell. If you want to smell like crotch I will be more than happy to swab mine with a Q-Tip and place my sweet funk on your pulse points for half the price.
• I know the Pink Taco is also a restaurant chain in LA but when I say pink taco I am referring to your roast beef sandwich of love, your axe wound of desire, or a favorite childhood reference dibadoo.
• What has happened to Rihanna? After Chris Brown cold cocked her in the face she has turned into a real hooch. Example is her latest song, "C'mon Rude Boy Boy, Can you get it up, C'mon Rude Boy Boy, Is you big enough"...Really? I can't wait until Ryser repeats these lyrics in Sunday School. Stick to singing about rain gear!
• I am domestically challenged...I can't really cook and cleaning is so foreign to me. I need at least a 45 minute warning before company is coming over and even then our upstairs is completely off limits. A friend passed this website on to me and it might just cure me before I become a topic on that Hoarding show...http://flylady.net/
• I did shine my sink (1st baby step at site mentioned above) and I took a picture of it to share here but this morning I was so blinded by the shine I forgot my camera. I guess I have to shine my sink now every night, this flying bitch is already asking a little much...
• I don't even watch Dancing with the Stars but I caught the very end last night before LOST and could Kate without her 8 of had a more sour puss look on her face? What more does this chick want from life...your ex-husband is a confirmed douche bag - bonus for you, you popped out 8 kids and someone hooked you up with lypo - that's another bonus and you make millions by placing sticky notes all over your house and demoralizing your partner - triple bonus.
• On another note what has happened to 90210 Brenda's face? I bet those witches from Charmed cast a spell on her!!! Karma at work...
• I'm still miserably failing at my work's weight loss challenge so I ate a Asiago Cheese bagel to make myself feel better.
• I'm thinking about changing my blog's name...
• JUST IN - I have received a short term disability claim for an employee and the attending physician's name is Seymour Wiener.

I feel lighter already...this purging thing really does work!

Fondly ~ SumSum

Spontaneous Human Combustion

Do you believe this can actually happen? If so, I better say my goodbyes now because I am SO HOT RIGHT NOW! Not HOT in the super sexy, every guy wants my cougar claws imprinted in their back kind of way but rather can you begin "the change" at age 32, err, I mean 26!?!

My current state of mind best explained by the great Anne Taintor, if you don't know you need to... http://annetaintor.com/index.html

Fondly ~ SumSum

We need a revolution...

I've been thinking back to my own childhood and comparing it to what happens nowadays. I'm not saying what was done then was always the right way to go but I also don't remember moms being absolute stress cases. In the examples below of Then vs Now, I think we may need to chill out a little.

THEN - Your mom would leave you in a running, unlocked car while she ran into the store...the grocery store, with a list.
NOW - Let me know when you get custody back of your child for leaving them in a locked car, windows cracked with the alarm set as they watch Backyardigans just so you can scurry to pick up the take out.

THEN - Your child was just a brat
NOW - They have ADD, ADHD, Chemical Sensitivity, Sensory Processing Disorder and the whole family needs to see a therapist

THEN - You attended your parents bowling league night and hung out at the arcade while your mom and pops threw back a couple tall ones.
NOW - You spend $50.00 on a babysitter in addition to the $50.00 you spend on booze

THEN - Hamburger Helper, Macaroni & Cheese, Spaghettios with or without meatballs/hot dog chunks were all healthy, acceptable meals
NOW - You have to grow seaweed in your backyard with compost soil and meat, if consumed at all, should only be a free-range organic turkey that you've adopted through Farm Sanctuary

THEN - Moms drank to take the edge off
NOW - You still drink and also talk to a psychiatrist about your feelings and get prescribed xanex/ambien/anti-depressants and/or do time at a mental spa...

However, in my case, I just blog about it while drinking :)

Fondly ~ SumSum

The good ol' days...

This is an e-mail I came across today in one of my archive folders (I would like to take a moment and thank God for the ability to archive e-mail as it has saved me numerous times ~ personally and professionally) and it made me laugh so I thought I'd share...
If you are reading it and it sounds very familiar it was probably to you!

4/8/2009
Funny story…wait, disclaimer before funny story – I love my mother in law aka Mumma Sal and she does a lot of great things for us but that still does not change the fact that she might be a little off her rocker…okay, funny story – when Ryser was born he had a blocked tear duct and his eye would get super dry and crusty. Since this was my first baby I did what every other new mom does and blew it out of proportion and constantly worried about it and him going blind and other ridiculousness. I was talking to Mumma Sal about it and she told me to squirt breast milk in it. Yes, you read that right ~ take my boob, aim my nipple in my newborn son’s eye and squirt breast milk in it. You want to know what is even more crazy?? After Todd and I talked about it and tried to confirm if his mom is on a one way trip to nutsville – WE DID IT!!!! I did not take aim to my son’s face with my boobie but I did squirt a little in my medela cup and Todd took a dropper and put some in his eye. All of a sudden Ryser started singing and dancing and stars filled our living room…okay that didn't happen but according to my MIL breast milk can cure cancer so I don’t know if we were expecting that or what. Anyway, we did it – we felt weird about it – it didn’t cure his blocked tear duct, only time did that – and we never did it again. We also promised each other that any advice that was given to us by anyone (but mainly parents) that had to be discussed for any length of time probably wasn’t for us.

See? Wasn't that totally worthy of a blog post? Now, sit very still because my boob milk might get rid of that zit on your forehead...

Fondly~ SumSum

You probably shouldn't admit that...

I am definitely crazy. Not the "oh she is so much fun! Woot Woot!" kind of crazy but the off my rocker, ordering a size medium jacket in the style of straight, crush up some lithium and put it in my lemonade kind of crazy. I also realize I am not alone. What's that about misery and company? Guess what?!? Crazy likes to throw a party and you are all invited...

The topic on my fave talk radio show this morning brought this diagnosis to my attention as they were talking about random flashes of thought that come to you out of nowhere. Sometimes they are violent, sometimes they are frightening and sometimes they are just weird or stupid. One of the DJ's said he has them all the time while the other morning crew were quick to point the finger and say, "That's not normal...YOU ARE CRAZY!"

Well, the random flash of thought he was describing I have experienced, and then some. The one he shared was running someone over with his vehicle and just the fact that if he decided he wanted to run over someone he could because we have that power, we just choose to not flatten an unsuspecting pedestrian with our car. Yeah, I've had that thought. I'm not running over anyone in particular out of anger just get lost in the thought of what if...as an accident...some I know what you did last summer shit went down, what would I do? Then they opened the phone lines for other people to share their random crazy flashes of thought and that is when I made the conclusion everyone is crazy and most just ignore it and/or deny it. This gal phones in and she shares how sometimes she thinks how easy it would be to snap her Chihuahua's neck...she doesn't want to snap her pet's neck but the thought has crossed her mind that it could be done and with little to no strength needed on her part. She was chased away by everyone on the radio show calling her a murderer. Hence why when you have these thoughts you probably shouldn't admit them.

But no one can tell me what to do so I am going to share a few of my sometimes violent, sometimes frightening and sometimes just weird and stupid flashes I have in hopes you say, "Me too!"...but I think more so you'll shake your head in sorrow and crush up that lithium...

• Driving my truck off a cliff on I-75, usually followed by the thoughts of what I have leftover in take out wrappers in the back seat in case I am stranded for days...you know how desolate I-75 is??? (I never said these had to be realistic)
• Dropping a newborn (on accident, geez!!!!)...this one popped up after I had Ryser, I think I had the vision a million times of me dropping him on the marble table or on concrete. It was so vivid it made the hair on my neck stand up.
• Slapping someone in the face, specifically people that are staring and you catch them and when you smile at them they look away - what if I just walked up and smacked them for being rude?
• Running over someone, as mentioned previously...I also think if I would bounce in my vehicle as if I were in a dune buggy.
• Smothering Todd with a pillow...haha, just kidding Todd. If I kill you I won't get your life insurance.
• The boys falling through the ice and chasing them through the ice but not being able to get them ~ this is a seasonal flash
• Disappearing...instead of getting off at exit 108 just keep driving and look for that awesome wig J-Lo found for her disguise in "Enough" so no one could recognize me
• Ghost, Goblins, stupid Bloody Mary...I can freak myself out in seconds in the dark
• My absolute favorite and something I hope does come true someday ~ living on the road, no address, no destination...just me & Woody in our Winney.

Fondly ~ SumSum

Liar Liar Pants on...Wait! Where are my pants?

Here is a list of totally awesome things that may or may not have happened to me in the past week.

• I may or may not have won $1,253.00 on keno
• I may or may not have had a lice scare that caused the entire family to be drenched in lice killing maybe autism causing lice killer shampoo
• I may or may not have told the neighbor to please call the pound if my dog gets out of the yard again
• I may or may not have made spaghetti
• I may or may not be required to pay the state approximately $400 because of a faulty head light
• I may or may not have seen an extra marital affair happen right before my eyes at my day job
• I may or may not have visited the 'We Po Grocery Sto' in hopes to live on a smaller penny
• I may or may not have gone to Huckleberry Junction

There you have it! One week of totally awesome things that may or may not have happened. They might all be true or they might all be false...that's only for me to know. Well, me and Drop Dead Fred.

Fondly ~ SumSum

P.S. I'm buying time until I can write something really witty in the next couple days...I'm a full time working mom with a part time sleep habit so give me a break you Frappe drinkers from the north!

Mama said Knock You Out!

Before I really get started I love that song by LL Cool J! Another LL song I miss, Around the Way Girl...you know it; "I want a girl with extensions in her hair, Bamboo earrings, at least two pair, a Fendi bag and a bad attitude, that's all it takes to get me in a good mood" LOVE THAT SONG!!! You can thank me later for getting that stuck in your head for the rest of the day...at least it's not "Diddy" again, right Sissy?

So, back on topic...it's Groundhog Day or Week actually around the house. We are once again getting bad behavior reports from our childcare provider. For those of you who don't know, we went through this same thing last November when we had to leave an awesome preschool/daycare because of biting, among other things. Now the biting has subsided and has been replaced by everything but, i.e. pushing, hitting, kicking, punching, the list could continue but I think you get the point. Now, maybe my 3 year old is the next Muhammad Ali and someday I will look back on these beat downs and say, "Ahhh" but right now I am saying, "Uggh". I have no vision of him being a professional fighter. Based on what I know so far if he is going to be a professional anything it will be a dancer, a celebrity impersonator or a comedian (or a contestant on RuPaul's Drag Race, but let's hope not...no offense to my gay followers ~ as Kathy Griffin would say, "I love The Gays!").


Here he is impersonating one of the dancers from Fame and a Fendi bag sales representative.

To be quite honest, this kid is hilarious. He already holds one of the top spots of funniest people I know and at 3, that's like the Albert Einstein of comedy. So, why the dark side? Well, I attribute it to a Smokey Robinson & the Miracles song...Tears of a Clown (I am all about songs today). You can't be true to the comedy craft unless you suffer from bi-polar disorder, depression and struggle with some sort of aggression issues. If a few kids need to get smacked down so I someday retire and live in a cabana in Fiji thanks to his success...so be it!

Fondly ~ SumSum

I have one thing to say, sashay shante...

You're awesome and I don't care.

Today I posted the following as a facebook status:
"Weight loss challenges are so stupid, unless you are actually losing weight. What? There are bagels in the kitchen...Yes, please!"

Now, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to conclude that I'm probably not doing very well in this weight loss challenge. In fact, I'm doing down right awful and riding the roller coaster of weight that I have become a permanent fixture on since about February 2006.

So someone please explain this comment to my status:
"We r doing the biggest loser contest at my work. I went to weigh in yesterday morning and a staff member offered me a doughnut. I told her I had to weigh in. She said, have one after! I didn't! Guess that's why I'm in the lead right now!!"

No offense to the person that decided that was an appropriate comment to my 'I am a huge fat ass who is failing miserably at my work's weight loss challenge' status but fuck you (sorry to my underage readers)! I could give a rat's ass that you are in first place...I'm not! I don't need you getting all high and mighty on me about donuts! Guess what? I would have not only eaten the donut but went back when no one was looking and eaten another one and then taken one for lunch. I guess I better stop doing that so I can be in first place like you. You're an idiot! Way to kick someone while their down. I am seriously contemplating removing you from my friend listing. In fact, I think I'm cleaning my entire friend list of anyone who has ever won a weight loss challenge all while I eat a dozen donuts.

Fondly ~ SumSum